Cheesecake Factory. RajI got him!
HowardTake him down!
LeonardHe's got you, Sheldon.
RajLook at this move!
HowardHe's completely schooling you.
PennyHey, guys, guys, some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
LeonardOh, it's called tressling.
HowardIt combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of Tetris into the ultimate sport.
PennyYeah, that's terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you is to cut it the hell out. Great. (To other waiteresses) Come here, guys. Come on. (To a kid sitting at the next table) Happy birthday to you
SheldonWe might as well stop. It's a stalemate. You're beating me in Tetris, but you've got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf.
RajKeebler elf? I got Keebler Elf right here. (Tries to turn Sheldon's hand with both hands to no avail) Okay, it's a stalemate.
PennySo, Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?
SheldonHe can't eat cheesecake. He's lactose intolerant.
PennyOkay, he can have carrot cake.
SheldonWhat about the cream cheese frosting?
PennyHe can scrape it off.
LeonardForget about the cake. How do you know that my birthday's Saturday?
PennyI did your horoscope, remember? I was gonna do everybody's, until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
SheldonFor the record, "that psychotic rant" was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who, in 1948, proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments that astrology is nothing but pseudo-scientific hokum.
PennyBlah, blah, blah. Typical Taurus. (To Leonard) So, seriously, we're gonna see you Saturday?
LeonardUh, I don't think so.
PennyWhy not?
LeonardI don't celebrate my birthday.
PennyShut up. Yeah, you do.
LeonardIt's no big deal; it's just the way I was raised. My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
PennyAh, that's so silly.
SheldonIt's actually based on very sound theories. His mother published a paper on it.
PennyWell, what was it called? "I hate my son and that's why he can't have cake"?
SheldonIt was obviously effective. Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Leonard(Sarcastically) Thank you.
HowardWell, I love birthdays. Waking up to mom's special french toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends...
PennyYeah, see? That's what kids should have.
HowardActually, that was last year.
PennySo, you really never had a birthday party?
LeonardNo, but it was okay. I mean, when I was little, I'd think maybe my parents would change their mind and surprise me with a party. Like this one birthday I came home from my cello lesson and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front. When I got to the door, I could hear people whispering and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favorite.
PennyAnd?
LeonardOh, it turns out my grandfather had died.
PennyOh, my god. That's terrible.
LeonardWell, it was kind of like a birthday party. I got to see all my cousins, and there was cake, so...
PennyThis's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
HowardYou think? (To Leonard) Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom. Leonard is leaving the apartment. HowardYou make sure they remember no peanuts. Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can't eat peanuts. (Closes the door) They see me coming, they go, "ah, no-peanut boy!" (Goes down the staircase)
[Penny sneaks out of her apartment and knock at the door of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment]
SheldonHello, Penny. Leonard just left.
PennyI know. I wanna talk to you.
SheldonBut what would we talk about? We have no overlapping areas of interest I'm aware of. As you know, I don't care for chitchat.
PennyCan you just let me in?
SheldonWell, all right, but I don't see this as a promising endeavor.
PennyOkay, here's the deal. We are gonna throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party for his birthday on Saturday.
SheldonI hardly think so. Leonard made it very clear he doesn't want a party.
Howard(Springs from his seat and between them) Did someone say... "party"?
PennyHe just doesn't know he wants one 'cause he's never had one.
HowardI suppose that's possible, but for the record, I've never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.
PennyHoward, here's the difference: the possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over.
HowardFine. If I do have a threesome, you can't be part of it. (Pauses) I'm just kidding. Yes you can. Can you bring a friend?
SheldonI think a birthday party's a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish.
PennyAnguish?
SheldonYear after year, I had to endure wearing comical hats while being forced into the crowded, sweaty hell of bouncy castles. Not to mention being blindfolded and spun toward a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.
PennyOkay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no nonprofessional can heal, but, nevertheless, we're gonna throw Leonard a birthday party.
SheldonHave I pointed out that I'm extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol-induced frivolity?
PennyNevertheless, we're...
SheldonIn addition, I really don't think that Leonard wants...
PennyOkay, here's the deal: you either you help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me god, I will go into your bedroom and unbag all of your most valuable, mint-condition comic books. And on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny happy face, in ink.
SheldonYou can't do that. If you make a mark in a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.
PennySheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
SheldonWell, of course, I... oh. Yeah, I have an idea. Let's throw Leonard a kick-ass birthday party. The hallway. Howard and Raj climb up the stairs. Howard knocks on the door. Sheldon(Opens the door) That's not the secret knock. (Demos) This is the secret knock.
HowardWhat difference does it make?
SheldonThe whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one's co-conspirators.
PennyIs that Raj and Howard? Possibly, but unverified.
Howard(Frustrated) Will you just let us in?!
SheldonLuckily for you, this is not a nuclear reactor.
PennySo, what'd you get the birthday boy?
HowardWell, Raj got him an awesome, limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross's definitive Batman. And I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics.
PennyNice. I got him a sweater.
HowardOkay, well, he might like that. I've seen him get chilly.
PennyUh, Sheldon, I didn't see your present.
SheldonThat's because I didn't bring one.
PennyWhy not?
HowardDon't ask.
SheldonThe entire institution of gift-giving makes no sense.
HowardToo late.
SheldonLet's say I go out and I spend $50 on you. It's a laborious activity because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now, I could simplify things, just give you the $50 directly, and then you could give me $50 on my birthday, and so on, until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and $50 richer. And I ask you, is it worth it?
HowardTold you not to ask.
PennyWell, Sheldon, you're his friend. Friends give each other presents.
SheldonI accept your premise; I reject your conclusion.
HowardTry telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
PennyWhat?
HowardJust do it.
PennyIt's a non-optional... social convention.
SheldonUh, fair enough.
Howard(Penny gives him a quizzical look) He came with a manual.
SheldonQuestion: how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don't drive and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station. Suppose I could wrap up an order of Mi krop and a couple of lottery scratchers.
PennyOkay. Um, let's do this: I will drive Sheldon to get a present. And Howard, you need to get rid of Leonard for about two hours.
HowardNo problem.
PennyAnd then, Raj, you bring the stuff across the hall and start setting up.
Howard(Raj whispers something in his ear) What if guests show up?
PennyEntertain them.
HowardWhat if they're women?
PennyStare at them and make them feel uncomfortable.
[Raj smiles and gives her a thumbs-up sign] The living room. Leonard is playing a video game. Howard(Enters) Hey.
LeonardHey.
HowardHow's it going?
LeonardFine.
HowardSo listen, the Nuart is showing the revised, definitive cut of Blade Runner.
LeonardSeen it.
HowardNo, you've seen the 25th anniversary final cut. This one has eight seconds of previously unseen footage. They say it completely
changes the tone of the film.
Leonard(Busy at the game) Uh... pass.
HowardCome on. Afterwards, there's a Q & A with Harrison Ford's body double.
LeonardLook, I'm in the Halo battle of my life here. There's this kid in Copenhagen, he has no immune system, so all he does is sit in his bubble and play Halo 24-seven.
HowardCan't you play him some other time?
LeonardNot if you believe his doctors.
HowardOh, my god, do you smell gas?
LeonardNo.
HowardYeah, no. An electronics shop. PennyAll right, you know, they have DVDs over there.
SheldonYes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner.
PennySheldon, a gift shouldn't be something someone needs, it should be something fun. You know, something they wouldn't buy for themself.
SheldonYou mean like a sweater?
PennyOh, it's a fun sweater. It's got a bold geometric print.
SheldonIs it the geometry that makes it fun?
PennyOkay... the point is one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them.
SheldonOkay, I see. So, not a DVD burner.
PennyExactly.
SheldonSomething he wouldn't buy for himself. Something fun. Something like... (Gasps) an 802.11n wireless router! The living room. Leonard is still playing Halo. Howard paces impatiently and glances at his watch. LeonardHere you go, Copenhagen boy. How about a taste of Hans Christian hand grenade? (Explosion sound) Oh, that could not feel good.
[Raj enters, carrying a box. Howard frantically motions for him to leave.]
LeonardCome on, come... oh, you clever... (Howard snatches a granola bar from the coffee table, opens it, and hide the bar in his pocket) come on. Come on. Take that!
HowardUh-oh. (No response) (Louder) Uh-oh!
LeonardWhat's the matter?
HowardThis granola bar, it has peanuts in it!
LeonardOh, my god. Why did you eat it?
HowardI don't know. It was just there!
LeonardWell, if-if I had a gun there, would you have shot yourself?!
HowardDon't yell at me! I've gotta go to the emergency room!
LeonardNow?
HowardNo, after my tongue has swollen to the size of a brisket!
LeonardAll right, uh, just let me get my keys.
HowardOh, god, oh, god, oh (Noticing that Leonard goes get the keys; on phone) The laundry is out of the hamper. Okay, Sheldon, what was it supposed to be? Fine. It's out of the washer! I'll call you when it's in the dryer.
LeonardAll right, let's go.
[Howard makes noises like clearing throat. Leonard pushes him out of the door] The electronics shop. Sheldon is comparing two wireless routers. One of is them is NETGEAR. Another one is D-Link. SheldonWhat do you think?
PennyUm, that one.
SheldonBecause of the two additional Ethernet ports?
PennySure.
SheldonHe doesn't need them. He's already got a six-port Ethernet switch.
PennyOh, okay, then this one.
SheldonWhy?
PennyI don't know. The man on the box looks so happy.
SheldonPenny, if I'm going to buy Leonard a gift, I'm going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did.
PennyI know I'm gonna regret this, but what trauma?
Sheldon(On the verge of tears) On my 12th birthday, I really wanted a Titanium centrifuge so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes.
PennyOf course.
SheldonInstead of a Titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me... wow, this is hard. They got me, a motorized dirt bike.
PennyNo!
SheldonWhat 12-year-old boy wants a motorized dirt bike?
PennyAll of them?
SheldonReally?
PennyYeah.
SheldonHuh.
PennyOkay, so we're getting this one?
SheldonYeah, I suppose.
PennyAll right, let's go.
[A woman approaches]
WomanExcuse me. Do you know anything about this stuff? (Points at the router rack)
SheldonI know everything about this stuff.
WomanOkay, I have my own wholesale flower business and I wanna hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
PennyHere, buy this one: Look, it's the one we're getting. See? Happy guy.
SheldonNo, no, no, she doesn't want that. She needs a point-to-point peer network with a range extender.
WomanThank you.
[A man approaches]
ManWhich hard drive do I want, firewire or usb?
SheldonIt depends on what bus you have available.
ManI... I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
SheldonOh, dear lord.
PennySheldon, we have to go.
SheldonNot now, Penny. This poor man needs me. (To a approaching woman) You, hold on. I'll be right with you. (To the man) What computer do you have? And please don't say "a white one." Reception desk of a hospital. HowardExcuse me.
WomanFill this out. Have a seat.
HowardNo, listen. See, we're throwing my friend a surprise party and I'm supposed to keep him out of his apartment for two hours.
WomanUh-huh. Fill this out and have a seat.
HowardNo, see, the only way I could get him to leave was to tell him I ate a peanut because I'm allergic to peanuts.
WomanWell, in that case, fill this out and have a seat.
HowardLook, all I need from you is to take me in the back and give me a Band-Aid so I can pretend I had a shot of epinephrine, and then you tell my friend you need to keep me under observation for about an hour, hour and a half.
WomanIs that all you need?
HowardYes.
WomanGet out of my ER.
HowardNo, you don't understand.
WomanOh, I understand, but unfortunately, this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid.
HowardOkay, I get it. I know how the world works. How about if I were to introduce to you to the man who freed your people? (The woman is black. The current $5 bill features the 16th U. S. President (1861–65), Abraham Lincoln's portrait on the front and the Lincoln Memorial on the back. Howard sets a $5 bill on the desk)
WomanUnless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers, you are wasting your time. (The United States one hundred-dollar bill is a denomination of United States currency featuring statesman, inventor, and diplomat Benjamin Franklin on the obverse of the bill. $100 * (1 + 5))
Leonard(Enters) Hey, sorry, I couldn't find a parking spot. How are you doing?
HowardBad, very bad.
LeonardReally? You don't look like you're swelling up at all. Maybe we should just pick up some Benadryl at the drugstore and go home.
HowardWe can't go home.
LeonardWhy not?
HowardBecause... because... brisket! Brisket! Water! Need water!
LeonardI'll be right back. (Runs away)
Howard(On phone) Penny, listen, I got a problem.
PennyYeah, well, so do I. Look, you gotta stall Leonard a little longer.
HowardI don't think I can.
PennyYou have to. We all have to be there at the same time to yell surprise.
HowardOkay, you have to understand something. We're in a hospital right now.
PennyWhy? Is Leonard okay?
HowardLeonard's fine. I'm fine! Thanks for asking, by the way.
PennyOkay, I don't need your attitude. Listen, just hold him there a little longer.
HowardLook, I've done my best, but he wants to go home and I don't know how to stop him.
PennyOkay, how about this? You keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy?
Howard(Stunned for a while) Don't toy with me, woman.
PennyI got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around and alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
HowardThy will be done. (Hangs up. Pulls out the granola bar. To his penis) I'm doing this for you, little buddy. (Eats the bar) The electronics shop. Sheldon(After checking something in the shop's computer. To a woman) Okay, we don't have that in stock... but I can special-order it for you.
Penny(To a sales clerk. Points at Sheldon) Him.
ClerkExcuse me, sir. You don't work here.
SheldonYes, well, apparently, neither does anyone else.
PennySheldon, we have to go.
SheldonWhy?
PennyWell, for one thing, we're late for Leonard's birthday party, and for another, I told him to call security.
Sheldon(To the woman) Good luck. (To the clerk) By the way, a six-year-old could hack your computer system.
PennyKeep walking.
Sheldon"1234" is not a secure password. The hospital. Leonard(To the receptionist) Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts.
ReceptionistNo, he's not.
LeonardYes, he is.
ReceptionistLook, sir, we are very busy here, and I just... (A monster looking like Howard approaches) holy crap!
HowardPlease help me!
ReceptionistCode four! I need a gurney! (To a colleague who shows up) Right away! Right away!
HowardThank you. The staircase. LeonardSay what you will about the healthcare system in this country, but when they're afraid of lawsuits, they sure test everything.
HowardI really don't think the colonoscopy was necessary.
LeonardYou know, before you got all swollen up, I actually thought you were trying to keep me out of the apartment so you could throw me a surprise party.
HowardOh, right, it's your birthday. I had no idea it was your birthday. I completely forgot. Wow, what a lousy way to spend a birthday. Well, it's all over now.
LeonardThere is a party, isn't there?
HowardMaybe.
LeonardHoward?
HowardAre you mad?
LeonardHow could I be mad? You actually risked your life because you care about me.
HowardYeah, that's why I did it.
LeonardAll right. Here we go. My first birthday party.
[Cut to the living room. Penny and Sheldon are sleeping on couch. Raj is singing karaoke)
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you. [lyrics]
RajDude, everybody left an hour ago. Surprise! Leonard and Penny are sitting on the couch, watching video. RajOk Leonard, here I am on your birthday party. I don't know where you are, dude, but it's really kick-ass! Everyone is very, very drunk and... oh, and look, there's a girl taking her shirt off!
PennyThat's my friend Carol. Remind me, I gotta introduce her to Howard.
RajOh, sweet Krishna, shake that rupee maker!
PennyI'm so sorry you didn't get your party.
LeonardOh, it's okay.
Penny(Hugs him) Happy birthday, anyways. (Kisses him on the lip)
LeonardHey, Penny, wh-wh-when's your birthday?