LeonardOn the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if this supercollider actually works, it'll create a black hole and swallow up the earth, ending life as we know it.
RajWhat a bunch of crybabies. No guts, no glory, man.
LeonardHey, check it out. The school of pharmacology is looking for volunteers.
Raj(Reads) "We are testing a new medication for social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and obsessive compulsive disorder." Why would they be looking for test subjects here?
LeonardI don't know, Raj. Maybe the comic book store doesn't have a bulletin board. (Motions for him to leave)
[Howard and a bunch of guys are in the hallway outside Sheldon's office]
LeonardWhat's going on?
HowardHot girl in Sheldon's office. (The door is open; and we can see a girl is standing close to Sheldon)
Leonard(Whispers) Sheldon's office? Is she lost?
HowardI don't think so. I followed her here from the parking lot.
LeonardMaybe she's his lawyer.
HowardWell, she's free to examine my briefs.
HowardI know, I'm disgusting. I should be punished... by her. Oh, look, I did it again.
Hot GirlNow, that should do it.
SheldonThank you for coming by. (The guys scatter; some leave; Howard leans against a drinking fountain; Leonard drinks from it; Raj looks at something on the wall) Hello.
LeonardOh, hey, buddy...
HowardSorry I'm late. I'm working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle.
SheldonHow can you be late? I wasn't expecting you at all.
HowardNobody ever expects me. Sometimes you just look and... bam! (To Hot Girl; reaches out to shake her hand) Howard wolowitz.
LeonardSheldon, are you gonna introduce us?
SheldonOh, all right. Uh, this is Missy. Missy, this is Leonard and Rajesh, and you've already met Howard.
MissyIt's nice to meet you.
LeonardYou too, as well, also.
LeonardSo, how do you two know each other?
MissyOh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
SheldonShe's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.
Missy(Strokes him) That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
SheldonHow exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A humormometer?
HowardWell, I think you're delightfully droll. Or, as the French say, tres drole.
MissyOkay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and... I'm sorry, what was your name again? (Raj walks away without a word and then takes the flier)
Continued from earlier.
LeonardSo Missy, what brings you all the way from Texas?
HowardWas it perhaps destiny? I think it was destiny.
MissyMy friend's getting married at Disneyland tomorrow night.
HowardDestiny, thy name is Anaheim.
MissyAnd I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad's estate.
SheldonThe papers could've been mailed. Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn't she?
MissyI guess that's why they call you a genius.
SheldonThey call me a genius because I'm a genius. Tell mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds and that I'm having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding. Goodbye. (Heads towards his office, but Leonard stops him)
LeonardIf the wedding's not until tomorrow, why don't you stay with us tonight?
MissyOh, I don't think so. Shelly doesn't like company. Even as a little boy, he'd send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.
SheldonThey were not friends. They were imaginary colleagues.
LeonardLook, you're here. We have plenty of room.
SheldonNo, we don't.
HowardCome on, Shelly. She's family.
HowardSo what, I don't issue invitations to your mother.
MissyWell, it would be nice not to have to drive to Anaheim in rush hour.
SheldonAnd don't ever call me Shelly.
LeonardSo it's settled: You'll stay with us.
HowardYeah, I'll walk you to your car. You're in structure 3, level C, right? (Howard, Missy, and Leonard leave)
SheldonWhat just happened?
The living room.
MissySo anyway, we're eight years old and Sheldon converts my Easy-Bake Oven to some kind of high-powered furnace.
SheldonI needed a place to fire ceramic semiconductor substrates for homemade integrated circuits.
MissyHe was trying to build some sort of armed robot to keep me out of his room.
SheldonMade necessary by her insistence on going into my room.
MissyAnyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you. There's a big flash. Next thing you know, my eyebrows are gone.
HowardNot your eyebrows. (He and Leonard look at Missy admiringly)
MissyYep, I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my mom drew on.
SheldonIs that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical.
Penny(Enters) Hey, Leonard, you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs.
LeonardThose are not mine.
PennyReally? They have your little name label in them.
LeonardYeah... no, I do... I... I use those, uh, just to polish up my spearfishing equipment. I spearfish. When I'm not crossbow hunting, I spearfish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon's twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbor, Penny.
PennyWow, you don't look that much alike.
HowardCan I get a hallelujah?
SheldonFraternal twins come from two separate eggs. They are no more alike than any other siblings.
RajHey, guess what. I've been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness.
PennyOh, good for you, Raj.
RajYes, I'm very hopeful. Hello, Missy. (Can't stop waving his hands) They mentioned there may be side effects.
Continued from earlier. Raj is sitting next to Missy on the couch.
RajSo, Missy, have you ever met a man from the exotic subcontinent of India?
MissyWell, there's Dr. Patel at our church.
RajAh, yes, Patel, good man.
Howard(Sitting to the left of her) Do you like motorcycles? 'Cause I ride a hog.
RajYou have a two-cylinder scooter with a basket in the front.
HowardYou still have to wear a helmet.
RajHave you ever heard of the Kama Sutra?
MissyThe sex book.
RajThe Indian sex book. In other words, if you wonder, wonder who wrote the book of love, (Winks an eye at her) it was us.
Penny(Goes to the kitchen counter, stands next to Sheldon) So, Sheldon's sister is pretty cute huh?
LeonardI wasn't staring.
PennyI didn't say you were. I just said she was cute.
LeonardOh, maybe, if you like women who are tall... and perfect.
Penny(Goes to Sheldon's desk) Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?
SheldonI'm not ignoring my sister. I'm ignoring all of you.
Leonard(Goes over to the couch) I brought snacks!
MissyOh my, gherkins and...
LeonardOnion dip.It's onion dip. (Missy is not interested) We don't entertain much. (Sets the snacks on the coffee table)
RajMissy. Do you enjoy pajamas?
RajYeah, we Indians invented them. You're welcome.
HowardYeah, well, my people invented circumcision. You're welcome.
PennyMissy, I'm gonna go get my nails done. -Do you wanna come?
MissyGod, yes. Thanks.
LeonardBye, Missy, see you.
LeonardOh, yeah, no, uh, bye, Penny.
HowardOkay, you two have to back off.
RajWhy should I back off? You back off, dude.
LeonardExcuse me, this is my apartment, and she's my roommate's sister.
HowardSo what? You've already got Penny!
LeonardHow do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?
HowardSo I can have Penny?
SheldonExcuse me. Can I interject something? I'm ordering pizza online. Is everyone okay with pepperoni?
LeonardSheldon, can I talk to you in private?
SheldonI guess. Don't worry. I was going to order you cheese-less. (Leonard is lactose-intolerant. s1e1)
SheldonIt's okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about.
HowardI'm a fancy Indian man. We invented pajamas.
RajHey, look at me. I don't have a foreskin. (Can't stop waving his hands, or can he? ↗masturbate)
LeonardSheldon... (Closes the door) are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?
SheldonHmm. She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It's noteworthy, at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence.
LeonardThat's fascinating, but...
SheldonI didn't say it was fascinating. I said it was noteworthy.
LeonardAll right, but... noted. But, my point is that, Koothrappali and Wolowitz, they're hitting on your sister. Oh, it's...
SheldonOh, okay. You know, I don't wanna criticize your rhetorical style, but we'd be a lot further along in this conversation if you'd begun with that thought.
LeonardThat's great, but my...
SheldonWhat I'm saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.
LeonardWhatever. You have to do something about it.
LeonardBecause she's your sister.
SheldonI don't understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we've pretty much gone our own separate ways.
LeonardOkay, uh, consider this... with your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate.
SheldonI hadn't considered that. We do share DNA. So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself.
LeonardExactly. And you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister's future offspring.
SheldonYou're right. If someone wants to get at Missy's fallopian tubes, they'll have to go through me. (Leaves. Leonard smirks and then leave too)
The living room. Raj and Howard are wrestling on the floor.
RajI am Shiva the destroyer! I will have the woman.
HowardI'm warning you I was Judo champion at math camp.
SheldonAll right, now that's enough juvenile squabbling. You stop it. Stop it, I say! I'm gonna settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister.
HowardWho are you to decide that?
LeonardHe's the man of his family. You have to respect his wishes.
SheldonYou're out too, by the way.
SheldonIt's nothing personal. I'd just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn't become flatulent every time they ate an eskimo pie.
Howard(To Raj, who is grinning) What are you so happy about?
RajI'm not happy. It's the medication. I can't stop smiling.
The kitchen counter.
SheldonNow that Leonard's made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister.
HowardWait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that?
LeonardWe all make mistakes. Let's move on.
RajExcuse me, but I think you're missing a big opportunity here.
RajEverybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte?
SheldonIn principle, you have a point. But as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex.
RajI think you're focusing entirely too much on the drugs. (Can't stop pointing his finger at Sheldon. Leonard holds Raj's hand and gently puts it down on the counter. Raj nods his head gratefully)
HowardIs it 'cause I'm Jewish? 'Cause I'd kill my rabbi with a pork chop to be with your sister.
SheldonThis has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you're a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother.
LeonardSheldon, you are really being unreasonable.
SheldonAm I? Here, eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister.
Missy(Standing in the doorway with Penny, looking at them teasingly) Oh, really?
SheldonOops. (Still holding the piece of cheese)
MissyShelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone.
SheldonWhy does everyone suddenly wanna talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.
(Penny goes over to the counter and looks at Leonard seductively)
LeonardWe all make mistakes. Let's move on.
MissyOkay, I'm not even gonna ask why you're pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with?
SheldonWell, truthfully, I've never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.
MissyWhat on earth are you talking about?
SheldonLet me explain. You see, I'm a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock.
MissyAnd what do you mean, "mediocre stock"?
SheldonThat would be you. But residing within you, is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter, and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0, if you will.
SheldonExactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you're not attracted to the suitor, then the likelihood of conception will be reduced.
MissyYou have got to be kidding me.
SheldonNot at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertilization.
MissyOkay, Shelly, sit down. Now I've lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as mom puts it, "one of god's special, little people."
SheldonI always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course, the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that's where the metaphor ended.
MissyI thought it ended at "cuckoo." You listen to me. If you wanna start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are gonna go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon recoils)
SheldonI have an alternate proposal.
SheldonYou donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you. That way, everybody wins.
[Sheldon slowly comes out of his bedroom, cupping his hands on his private area]
SheldonCorrection. Missy can date whoever she wants.
Time lapses. The living room.
HowardWe have to settle this.
LeonardI agree. Sheldon's sister is hiding at Penny's because we've all been hitting on her at the same time.
RajShe's not hiding. She needed privacy to call her grandmother who's apparently very sick. Oh, and then I believe she has to wash her hair.
HowardOh, you poor, deluded bastard.
RajDon't start with me, dude.
HowardYou wanna go again? Let's go.
HowardOkay. If we're gonna fight over Missy, let's do it the right way. The honorable way.
LeonardTake that! You want some more?
[Sheldon comes out of his bedroom to find Howard and Leonard are playing Wii Sports (boxing).]
RajAnd he's down! (TV: 1, 2, 3, while Leonard is jumping up and down)
HowardCome on, come on! Get up!
LeonardStay down, bitch! (TV: 9, 10) Yeah! Natural selection at work.
SheldonI weep for humanity.
LeonardExcuse me while I go tell Missy the good news. (Struts to Penny's apartment and knocks on the door)
LeonardOh, hi, Penny. How's it going? Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on?
PennyUh, pretty much. Why?
LeonardNothing, just catching up. By the way, may I speak to Missy, please?
MissyHi, Leonard. What's up?
LeonardWell, since you're leaving tomorrow, I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinner with me.
MissyThat's so sweet. But no thanks.
LeonardOh. You have other plans or...?
LeonardUh. All right, uh, enjoy the rest of your evening.
MissyThanks. See ya. (Closes the door)
[Leonard goes back into the living room.]
LeonardUm, here's something we didn't anticipate.
PennyWhat do you want, Howard?
HowardI'm fine. Thanks for asking. I've come to call on Missy.
HowardThe amazing Howard. Do you like magic?
MissyNot really. No.
HowardThen you are in for a treat. Behold, an ordinary cane. (Knocks the cane that he's holding at the door frame, pulls out a sheet of cloth out of the cane, drops it, picks it up. It reads "Will you go out with me?")
HowardOkay. (Throws it away. Pulls out a smaller one out of his sleeve. It reads "Are you sure?") (Missy closes the door without a word)
[Raj is at the door]
RajThank you. I apprec... apprec... appreeee... Uh-oh.
PennyOh, honey. Is your medication wearing off? (Raj nods frantically)
MissyHi, cutie pie. I was hoping you'd show up.
(Raj makes some strange noises and leaves the building)
MissyWe had a dog who made a noise like that. Had to put him down.
MissyAny news you want me to pass along to mom?
SheldonWell, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from Bosonic string theory to heterotic string theory.
MissyYeah, I'll just tell her you said "hey."
SheldonOkay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Reaches out his hand)
MissyCome on, Shelly. (Hugs him) (Sheldon pats her on the back) I want you to know I'm very proud of you.
MissyYep, I'm always bragging to my friends about my brother, the rocket scientist.
Sheldon(Upset) You tell people I'm a rocket scientist?
SheldonI'm a theoretical physicist.
MissyWhat's the difference?
SheldonWhat's the difference?!
SheldonMy god! Why don't you just tell them that I'm a toll-taker at the Golden Gate Bridge?! Rocket scientist. How humiliating.