The living room. HowardEw, more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
RajI'd be more interested in the scene depicting Spock's conception.
SheldonOh please, for Vulcans, mating, or if you will, pon farr, It's an extremely private matter.
LeonardStill, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan, they couldn't just conceive.
HowardMaybe they had to go to a clinic. Imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a little copy of pointy ears and shapely rears. [How does a fertility clinic get your sperm sample? They put you in a room with porn.]
RajHow come in Star Trek everyone's private parts are the same? No alien lady have told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose."
[Penny enters, carrying a laptop]
PennyHi, can you help me? I was writing an email and the "a" key got stuck now it's just going "aaaaaaaa".
LeonardWhat did you spill on it?
PennyNothing. (Leonard looks at her) Diet coke. (Leonard looks at her) And yoghurt. A little nail polish.
LeonardI'll take a look at it.
HowardGentlemen, switching to local nerd news, Fishman, Chen, Chaudhary, and McNair aren't fielding a team in the university Physics Bowl this year.
LeonardYou're kidding, why not?
HowardThey formed a barber shop quartet and got a gig playing Knott's Berry Farm.
PennyWow, so in your world, you're like the cool guys.
LeonardThis is our year. With those guys out, the entire Physics Bowl will "kneel before Zod."
HowardKryptonian villain, long story.
RajGood story. (Quickly covers his mouth)
SheldonCount me out.
LeonardWhat? Why?
SheldonYou wanna use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to paint pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
LeonardCome on, you need a 4 person team, we're four people.
SheldonBy that reasoning, we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.
PennyTickets to that, please.
LeonardSheldon, what? Do I need to quote Spock's dying words to you?
SheldonNo, don't.
LeonardThe needs of the many-
Howardoutweigh the need of the few-
Sheldonor the one. Damn it, I'll do it. The cafeteria. RajOk, first order of Physics Bowl business, we need a truly kick-ass team name. Suggestions?
HowardHow about the perpetual motion squad? It's beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads-up for the ladies.
LeonardThe ladies?
HowardPerpetual motion suqad, we can go all night.
RajI like it.
SheldonI don't. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidaing one's opponent.
RajThen we could be the Bengal tigers.
SheldonPoor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strengths of the army ant.
RajMaybe so. But you can't incinerate a Bengal tiger with a magnifying glass.
(Sheldon stares at Raj)
LeonardLet's put it to a vote. All those in favor...
SheldonPoint of order. I move that any vote on team names must be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with a bengal tiger when common sense dictates it should be an army ant.
LeonardWill the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question?
SheldonI will yield.
LeonardAfter we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way?
SheldonHe does.
LeonardI move we are the army ants. All those in favor? (They all raise their hands) The living room. PennyGood afternoon, and welcome to today's Physics Bowl practice round. I'm Penny, and I'll be your host because apparently I didn't have anything else to do on a satday afternoon, and isn't that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready?
HowardOf course. Fire away.
[Raj gives a thumbs-up]
PennyYou know, it's not my business, but isn't a guy who can't speak in front of women going to hold you back a little?
LeonardOh, he'll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they're one-on-one and smell nice.
PennyAh, thanks, Raj. It's vanilla oil.
LeonardI was actually the one who noticed. Okay, let's just start.
PennyOkay, the first question is on the topic of optics. "What is the shortest light pulse ever produced?"
[Sheldon buzzes]
PennyDr. Cooper. And ofourse the answer is 130 attoseconds.
PennyThat is correct.
LeonardI knew that, too.
PennyGood for you, sweetie. Okay, next question: "What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard-disk drives?"
[Howard buzzes]
SheldonAnd of course the answer is giant magnetoresistance.
HowardHey, I buzzed in.
SheldonAnd I answered. It's called teamwork.
HowardDon't you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.
SheldonBy that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.
LeonardJust ask another one.
PennyOkay. "What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einstein's predicted frame-dragging?"
SheldonAnd of course, it's Gravity Probe B.
LeonardSheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
PennyBecause it's polite.
SheldonWhat do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
PennyLeonard, you said I only had to *ask* questions.
SheldonThe objective of the competition is to give correct answers. If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?
HowardSome of us might have the correct answers, too.
SheldonOh, please. You don't even have a PhD.
HowardAll right, that's it! (Stands up)
LeonardHoward, sit down.
LeonardMaybe we should take a little break.
SheldonGood idea. I need my wrist brace. All this button-pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury.
[Raj whispers something in Howard's ear]
HowardI agree.
PennyWhat did he say?
HowardHe compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer's eve. (Raj nods)
PennyYeah, and the bag it came in. The living room. Sheldon is working on his laptop. SheldonLeonard, excellent. I want to show you something.
LeonardCan it wait? I need to talk to you.
SheldonJust look. I've designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colors are based on Star Trek: The Original Series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold.
LeonardWhy do they say "aa"?
SheldonArmy ants.
LeonardIsn't that confusing? "Aa" might mean something else to certain people. (Alcoholics Anonymous, a worldwide fellowship of persons recovering from alcoholism)
SheldonWhy would a Physics Bowl team be called anodized aluminum?
LeonardNo, I meant... never mind. Hey, check it out, I got you a batman cookie jar.
SheldonOh, neat! What's the occasion?
LeonardWell, you're a friend, and you like batman and cookies, and you're off the team.
LeonardHoward, Raj and I just had a team meeting.
SheldonNo, you didn't.
LeonardYes, we did. I just came from there.
SheldonOkay, I don't know where you just came from, but it couldn't 've been a team meeting because I'm on the team and I wasn't there. Ergo, the team did not meet.
LeonardOkay, let me try it this way: I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends, and one thing led to another, and it turns out you're off the team.
LeonardBecause you're taking all the fun out of it.
SheldonI'm sorry, is the winner of the Physics Bowl the team that has the most fun?
LeonardOkay, let me try it this way: You're annoying and no one wants to play with you anymore.
SheldonI see. Well, at this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.
LeonardThanks for the heads-up.
SheldonYou're welcome. One more thing.
SheldonIt's on, bitch. The cafeteria. Sheldon sits alone at a table, eating and reading a book. Raj, Howard, and Leonard are stting at a nearby table. HowardSo who'd he get to be on his team?
LeonardHe won't say. He just smiles and eats macarons out of his bat jar.
RajHe's using psychological warfare. We must reply in kind. I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like, "yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong, and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you."
LeonardHow exactly would that laugh go?
(Raj laughs)
HowardThat sounds more like, "we are a tall, thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians." (101 Dalmatians is a 1996 American family comedy film [Wiki])
LeonardGuys, let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend and my roommate.
LeonardSo nothing. Let's destroy him.
Sheldon(Approaches) Gentlemen.
(Raj does the laugh. Sheldon pauses and then leaves)
HowardWe're gonna need a strong fourth for our team.
RajYou know who is apparently very smart? It's the girl who played tv's Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something.
LeonardRaj, we're not getting tv's Blossom to join our Physics Bowl team.
RajHow about the girl from The Wonder Years?
HowardGentlemen, I believe I've found the solution to all our problems.
LeonardWe can't ask Leslie Winkle.
RajWhy? Because you slept together, and when she was done with you, she discarded you like last night's chutney?
HowardSometimes you gotta take one for the team.
RajYeah, sack up, dude.
LeonardHere I go, taking one for the team... (Goes to Leslie's table, with Howard in tow) In the sack. Hey, Leslie.
LeslieHi, guys.
LeonardSo, Leslie, I have a question for you, and it might be a little awkward, you know, given that I...
Howard(To Leonard) Hit that thing.
LeslieLeonard, there's no reason to feel uncomfortable just because we've seen each other's faces and naked bodies contorted in the sweet agony of coitus.
LeonardThere's not? Gee, 'cause it sure sounds like there should be.
LeslieRest assured that any aspects of our sexual relationship regarding your preferences, your idiosyncrasies, your performance are still protected by the inherent confidentiality of the bedroom.
LeonardThat's all very comforting, but if it's okay, I'd like to get on to my question now.
LeonardWe are entering the Physics Bowl, and we need a fourth for our team.
LeslieNo, thanks. I'm really busy with my like-sign dilepton supersymmetry search.
HowardDilepton, schmlepton. We need you.
HowardWell, we tried. Just have to face Sheldon mano y mano y mano a mano.
LeslieWait, you're going up against Sheldon Cooper?
LeslieThat arrogant, (Stands up) misogynistic, East Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high-energy particles for laundry and childbearing?
Leonard(Happily) She's in. The Physics Bowl. PennySo, how do you feel? Nice and loose? Come to play? Got your game face on? (Raj, Howard and Leonard don't get it) Are you ready?
LeonardYeah. You know, you don't have to stay for the whole thing.
PennyOh, no, no. I want to. Sounds really interesting.
(Sheldon enters, wearing command gold)
(Raj does the laugh.)
PennySheldon. I'm just gonna sit down.
(There guys enter and sit down, wearing support red)
LeonardSo, is that your team?
SheldonActually, I don't need a team. I could easily defeat you single-handedly, but the rules require four. So, may I introduce: the third-floor janitor, the lady from the lunch room, and my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS sinking ship?
LeslieHello, Sheldon.
SheldonLeslie Winkle.
LeslieYeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, "who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?"
SheldonYes, well, I'm polymerized tree sap, and you're an inorganic adhesive. So whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you. (I'm rubber you're glue, your words bounce off me and stick to you.)
LeslieOh, ouch.
Dr. GablehauserOkay, if everyone could please take your seats.
(Sheldon walks sideways to his table, passing Leslie who glares at him continuously)
Leonard(To Leslie) Here's your T-shirt.
LesliePMS? It's a couple days early...
LeonardNo. It stands for "perpetual motion squad."
LeslieOh, right, of course. What was I thinking?
Dr. GablehauserGood afternoon, everyone, and welcome to this year's Physics Bowl! Today's preliminary match features two great teams. AA versus... PMS.
Howard(Jumps to his feet and turns around and shows the back of his T-shirt, which reads "WE CAN GO ALL NIGHT") All night long, y'all!
Dr. GablehauserOkay, well, let's jump right in. First question... for ten points: "What is the isospin singlet partner of the pi-zero meson?" (Leonard and Sheldon both press the button and the former is quicker) PMS?
LeonardThe eta meson.
Dr. GablehauserCoecect.
SheldonFormal protest.
Dr. GablehauserOn what grounds? SheldonVelcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.
Dr. GablehauserDenied. All right, for ten points, "what is the lightest element on earth with no stable isotope?" AA.
SheldonAnd of course, the answer is technetium.
Dr. GablehauserTerrific. Next question: "What is the force between two uncharged plates due to quantum vacuum fluctuation?" PMS?
RajSheldon can suck on... the Casimir effect.
Dr. GablehauserCorrect. How does a quantum computer factor large numbers? PMS?
LeslieShor's algorithm.
Dr. GablehauserCorrect!
(Penny nods off)
Sheldon4.1855 times ten to the seventh ergs per calorie.
LeonardPrevost's theory of exchanges.
SheldonLambda equals one over pi r squared n.
Howard760 degrees celsius... the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.
Dr. GablehauserMr. Wolowitz, this is your second warning.
SheldonA sigma particle.
LeslieYes, assuming the hypothetical planet has a mass greater than the earth.
Dr. GablehauserCorrect. (Everyone applauds, which wakes up Penny, who applauds indifferently) Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand, the final question. The score now stands: AA, 1,150, PMS, 1,175. So, for 100 points and the match, please turn your attention to the formula on the screens. Solve the equation.
RajHoly crap.
LeonardWhat the hell is that?
HowardLooks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.
LeonardCome on. And think. Leslie?
LeslieLeonard, it's not gonna work if you rush me. You have to let me get there.
LeonardYou are never gonna let that go, are you? (Apparently he rushed her into orgasm)
Dr. GablehauserTen seconds. (Leonard hits the button)
Dr. GablehauserPMS?
LeonardSorry, I panicked.
HowardThen guess.
LeonardUm, eight... point... four
Dr. GablehauserI'm sorry, that's incorrect. AA, if you can answer correctly, the match is yours.
(Sheldon doesn't respond)
HowardHe doesn't have it. He's got squat. (Sheldon twitches) AA, I need your answer.
Janitor(Glances at the screen and hits the button) The answer is minus eight pi alpha.
SheldonHang on. Hang on a second. That's not our answer. What are you doing?
JanitorAnswering question. Winning Physics Bowl.
SheldonHow do you know anything about Physics?
JanitorHere I am janitor. In former Soviet Union, I am physicist. Leningrad Polytechnical. Go polar bears.
SheldonThat's a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.
JanitorYou didn't answer question.
SheldonHey, look, now, maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this Physics Bowl team, I rule with an iron fist. (Raise his arm with wrist brace. Whines in a feminine way and holds his wrist) AA, I need your official answer.
SheldonWell, it's not what he said.
Dr. GablehauserThen what is it?
SheldonI want a different question.
Dr. GablehauserYou can't have a different question.
SheldonFormal protest.
Dr. GablehauserDenied.
SheldonInformal protest.
Dr. GablehauserDenied. I need your official answer. No. I decline to provide one.
Dr. GablehauserWell, that's too bad because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
SheldonThat's your opinion.
Dr. GablehauserAll right, the winner of the match is...
LeonardHang on. Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team?
SheldonI don't understand the question.
LeonardGo ahead.
Dr. GablehauserThe winner is PMS.
We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting
Till the end
We are the champions
(Howard tears his T-shirt open, kneels on the floor, and squirms wildly)
We are the champions
(Raj, Leslie, and Leonard looks at Howard in disbelief)
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions of the World [lyrics] The living room. (Sheldon goes to his spot)
LeonardSorry, somebody's sitting there.
LeonardMy Physics Bowl trophy.
SheldonThat trophy is meaningless. I forfeited, therefore you did not win.
LeonardI know someone who would disagree.
LeonardMy Physics Bowl trophy. Leonard is so smart. Sheldon who?
SheldonAll right, that is very immature.
LeonardYou're right. I'm sorry. I'm not!
[Penny enters]
PennyOkay, new contest.
LeonardWhat are you doing?
PennyI am settling once and for all who is the smartest around here, okay? Are you ready?
LeonardBring it on.
PennyMarsha, Jan and Cindy were the three daughters in what tv family? (No response) The Brady Bunch. Okay. Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group?
SheldonThe Brady Bunch?
PennyVan Halen. All right. Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. Oh, my god! Sean Penn!
LeonardHow do you know these things?
PennyI go outside, and I talk to people. Okay, here. What actor holds the record for being named People magazine's sexiest man alive?
SheldonWilliam Shatner.
LeonardWait. I don't think it's Shatner.
SheldonThen it's got to be Patrick Stewart.
SheldonFormal protest.
PennyAll right. Singer who sang, 'oops, I did it again'? (Even I, a Chinese, know it's Britney Spears :-)) Okay. Tweetie bird tought he taw a what?
PennyYes. He tought he taw a Romulan. Aw.