SheldonHere's the problem with teleportation.
LeonardLay it on me.
SheldonAssuming a device could be invented, which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location and recreated him in another.
LeonardHow about that.
SheldonPersonally, I would never use a transporter, because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
LeonardWould the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?
SheldonNo, he would be exactly the same.
LeonardThat is a problem.
SheldonSo you see it too.
Dr. GablehauserDr. Hofstadter. Dr. Cooper.
Leonard & SheldonDr. Gablehauser.
Dr. GablehauserGentmen, I'd like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a highly sought-after doctoral candidate, and we're hoping to have him do his graduate work here.
LeonardGraduate work. Very impressive.
Dr. GablehauserAnd he's only 15 years old.
SheldonNot bad, I myself started graduate school at 14.
DennisWell, I lost a year while my family was tunneling out of North Korea.
Dr. GablehauserI thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around. Let him see why we're the best physics research facility in the country.
DennisI already know you're not. You don't have an Open Science Grid computer or a free-electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end.
SheldonExcuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end.
DennisWell, obviously you don't see it yet, but trust me, you will.
(Sheldon gets upset and tries to stand up, but Leonard pushes him on the shoulder, making him sit back)
Dr. GablehauserDennis, we've discussed this. We're in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we've agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here, boys. (To Sheldon and Leonard) Make it happen.
SheldonYou can count on us. We're on it. (To Dennis) What the hell do you mean "dead end"?
DennisI mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as ten to the five hundredth power. In addition- ooh, look, chocolate milk. (Goes to the vendor machine)
SheldonI sense a disturbance in the force.
LeonardA bad feeling I have about this.
The hallway outside Sheldon's office.
LeonardSo Dennis, how long have you been in America?
DennisA year and a half.
LeonardNo kidding. You speak english really well.
DennisSo do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.
LeonardWhat are you talking about?
SheldonHe's not wrong. All right. And this is my office.
DennisIs this part of the tour?
SheldonNope. Goodbye. (Opens the door and enters his office)
Leonard(Follows him) Come on, Sheldon, we've hardly shown him anything.
SheldonAll... right. This is my desk. These are my books; this is my door. Please close it behind you. Goodbye. (Sits down in his chair)
DennisLooks like you're doing work in quantum loop corrections.
SheldonKeen observation. Goodbye.
DennisYou see where you went wrong, don't you?
SheldonGet him out.
LeonardCome on, Dennis. (Pats him on the back) I-I'll show you the rec center. They've got Nautilus equipment.
DennisDo I look like I lift weights?
LeonardNot heavy ones.
DennisIt's startling to me you haven't considered a Lorentz invariant or field theory approach.
Sheldon(Stands up and walks over to the board) You think I haven't considered it? You really think I haven't considered it?
DennisHave you considered it?
LeonardGet him out, Leonard.
LeonardCome on, Dennis. I'll show you the radiation lab.
Dennis(Follows Leonard and notices a plaque) Wow, you won the Stevenson award?
SheldonYes. In fact, I am the youngest person ever to win it.
DennisReally? How old?
SheldonFourteen and a half.
DennisHmm, you were the youngest person ever to win it. (Leaves)
LeonardIt's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it? (Smiles and leaves)
The living room.
Penny(To Raj) This is really delicious, isn't it? (Raj nods) Still can't talk to me unless you're drunk, huh? Oh, sweetie, (Rubs him on the arm) you are so damaged.
HowardHey, I'm damaged, too. How about a hug for Howie?
PennySure. Raj, hug Howard. (Raj casts a look; Howard shakes his head)
LeonardSomething you'd like to share? A tale of woe, perhaps?
SheldonFifteen years old. Dennis Kim is 15 years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today, I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, to... you know, that other guy.
SheldonOh god, now even you're smarter than me.
HowardYou know, Sheldon, you don't have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.
LeonardJust eat, Sheldon, you'll feel better.
SheldonWhy waste food? In Texas, when a cow goes dry, they don't keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes.
PennyI'm confused. Did Sheldon stop giving milk?
LeonardYou can't let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter.
SheldonYes, but I assumed I would've been dead hundreds of years and that there'd be an asterisk by his name because he'd be a cyborg.
PennySo you've got a little competition. I really don't see what the big deal is.
SheldonWell, of course you don't. You've never excelled at anything.
PennyI don't understand, exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?
HowardWe liked Leonard. (Raj nods)
LeonardWell, what are you gonna do, Sheldon, just give up?
SheldonYes. It's what a rational person does when his entire life's work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind. He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die.
PennyYou know, I'm confused again. Is he waiting, or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?
The living room.
SheldonI've decided you're right. My career is not over.
SheldonBut since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.
SheldonSo I've decided I'm going to collaborate with you.
SheldonSo what exactly is it you do? (Leonard looks at him incredulously) I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I've never really paid attention.
LeonardOkay, well, right now I'm designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea level, but I really don't need any help.
SheldonOh, sure you do. (Pulls his chair over and sits next to Leonard) Now, see, what's this here in the schematic? Is that a laser array?
SheldonNow, hm... (Leonard looks at him and then gets back to work) What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium-neon?
LeonardIt would blow up.
SheldonAre you sure?
Sheldon"Pretty sure" is not very scientific. Is this how you normally work? Just hunches and guesses and stuff?
LeonardOkay. Sheldon, I understand that you're going through a bit of a career crisis, you're searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive, but I need to tell you something, and I want you to listen carefully.
SheldonIf you're concerned about sharing credit with me, your name can go first (Leonard turns over and looks at him, annoyed) (Wheels his swivel chair away) I'm going.
HowardIt's a small, brown paper bag, ma! I'm looking in it right now! Why would I make that up? There's no Ding Dong in it. How are two Ding Dongs tomorrow gonna help me today?
Sheldon(Standing in the doorway) So... this is engineering, huh?
HowardI'll talk to you later.
SheldonEngineering. Where the noble semiskilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah loompahs of science.
HowardSheldon, what are you doing here?
SheldonI just came by to say hello.
HowardI've been in this lab for three years. You've never come by to say hello.
SheldonWell, up until now, I've had better things to do. So, what are we making today?
HowardA small payload support structure for a European science experimeal package that's going up on the next space shuttle.
SheldonReally? How does it work?
HowardWhen this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it. (Demos it)
SheldonUh-huh. So it's a shelf.
HowardNo, you don't understand, during acceleration, it needs to stay perfectly level and provide... yeah, okay, it's a shelf.
SheldonNow, I notice you're using titanium. Did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes? They're lighter, cheaper, and have twice the tensile strength. (Messes with something on Howard's table)
Howard(Lifts Sheldon's hand up) Sheldon, there's a diploma in my office that says I have a master's in engineering.
Sheldon(Picks up a note and reads) And you also have a note from your mother that says, "I love you, Bubula." But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes.
SheldonDid Leonard tell you to say that?
HowardNo, I thought of it all by myself.
SheldonHuh. (Leaves and thinks aloud) That can't be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I'm missing.
Sheldon(Comes out Raj's office) Curiouser and curiouser.
The living room. Leonard is working at his desk.
Howard(Pokes his head around the door) Is he here?
LeonardIf he were, I wouldn't be.
RajDo you know what he did? He watched me work for ten minutes, and then started to design a simple piece of software that could replace me.
LeonardIs that even possible?
RajAs it turns out, yes.
HowardSomething's got to be done about him, Leonard.
LeonardLike what? He'll never be able to cope with the fact that some 15-year-old kid is smarter and more accomplished than he is.
RajWell, what if something were to happen to this boy so he was no longer a threat to Sheldon?
HowardThen our problem would be solved.
LeonardHang on, are we talking about murdering Dennis Kim? I'm not saying no.
HowardWe don't have to go that far. There are other means available.
RajWe can't send him back to North Korea. He knows how to get out.
HowardThe only thing we need to do is make this Kim kid lose his focus.
LeonardWon't happen. He is not interested in anything but physics.
HowardWhat about biology?
HowardYou know, biology. (Imitates a seductive hot girl) The one thing that can completely derail a world-class mind.
LeonardHoward, he's 15.
HowardYeah, so? When I was 15, I met Denise Palmeri and my grade point average fell from a 5.0 toto a 1.8.
RajShe was sleeping with you?
HowardNo, I just wasted a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if she did.
Sheldon(Enters) Oh, good, you're all here. Look, I've decided that if the three of you drop whatever it is you're working on and join me, we could lick cold fusion in less than a decade. 12 years, tops.
(Howard, Raj, and Leonard stare at him without saying anything)
SheldonGo away? (They nod) Hmm. Could it be me?
Hallway in front of apartments. Howard, Raj, and Leonard are at Penny's door.
PennyOh, hey guys, what's up?
HowardWe need a hot 15-year-old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys.
LeonardHoward, that's racist. Any 15-year-old girl will do the trick.
(Penny slams the door in disgust)
RajIt's possible she may have misunderstood us.
Dr. GablehauserDr. Cooper. Oh, are we interrupting?
SheldonNo, no. Please come in. Yeah, I think you'll appreciate this. This is very exciting.
Dr. GablehauserOh, what are you working on?
SheldonSomething remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, (To Kim) Thank you very much, I've decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look. I'm going to solve the Middle East crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert.
Dr. GablehauserTo what end?
SheldonYou know, it's like the baseball movie. "You build it and they will come."
Dr. GablehauserWho will come?
SheldonThe Jewish people.
Dr. GablehauserWhat if they don't come?
SheldonWe'll make it nice, put out a spread.
Dr. GablehauserOkay, well, um... speaking of spreads, we're having a small welcoming party this afternoon for Mr. Kim who's agreed to join us here at the university.
SheldonOf course he has. The oracle told us little Neo was the one. (Waves his hands in front of Dennis) You can see the Matrix, can't you?
Dr. GablehauserOkay, well, obviously you're very busy with your, uh, um... come, Dennis. (Leaves and closes the door; in the hallway) You'll have to excuse Dr. Cooper. He's been under a lot of, um... he's nuts.
Sheldon(Sings in his office) Ay yay yay yay, hava nagila, they'll come, they'll settle, and I'll win the prize.
SheldonI really don't understand your objections, Professor Goldfarb. Why wouldn't the Sonora desert make a perfectly good promised land?
Professor GoldfarbGo away.
SheldonWe could call it nuevo Jerusalem.
Professor GoldfarbGo away. Please go away.
SheldonSaid pharaoh to Moses.
Dr. GablehauserWhy are all these young women here?
LeonardIt's take your daughter to work day.
Dr. GablehauserReally? I was not aware of that.
RajOh, yes. There was a very official e-mail that was sent to everyone whose insurance files indicated they had daughters between the ages of 14 and 16.
(Dennis Kim enters)
Dr. GablehauserThere's the man of the hour.
LeonardOkay, so we now have a socially-awkward genius in a room full of attractive, age-appropriate women.
HowardAll he has to do now is hook up with one of them.
(Dennis stands alone, scratches his arm, and then pickes his ear)
LeonardAnyone else see the flaw in this plan?
RajWe need a social catalyst.
HowardLike what? We can't get 15-year-old girls drunk.
HowardOr can we?
LeonardNo, we can't.
HowardI don't think you mean "we can't." I think you mean "we shouldn't."
Sheldon(Approaches) Hey, Howard, you're a Jew. If there was another wailing wall exactly like the one in Jerusalem but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs, would you still be able to wail at it?
(Leonard, Howard and Raj stare at him)
SheldonOkay, it's definitely me. (Leaves)
LeonardOkay, we cannot leave this to chance. Let's pick a girl and figure out how to get her together with Dennis.
RajOkay, how about that one?
HowardI know the type. Cheerleader, student council, goes out with the jocks, won't even look at anybody in the gifted program. And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you, it turns out to be a setup and you're in the backseat of your mom's car with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you...
RajAre you crying?
HowardNo, I have allergies.
RajOkay, um, oh, hey, how about her?
LeonardSure, if he wants to spend a couple years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a stupor with nonfat white russians. And you're the one holding her head out of the toilet while she's puking and telling you she wishes "more guys were like you." And then she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her and you drive up to visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesn't even know you.
RajOkay, so not her, either. Oh, how about her?
HowardInteresting, kind of pretty, a little chubby, so probably low self-esteem.
LeonardThat's our girl. One of us should go talk to her.
RajI can't talk to her, you do it.
LeonardWell, I can't just go up and talk to her. Howard, you talk to her.
HowardI don't know, she'll never go for the kid once she gets a peek at this. (Pushes his pecs out)
RajYou know, if we were in India, this would be simpler. Five minutes with her dad, 20 goats and a laptop, and we'd be done.
LeonardWell, we're not in India.
RajAll right, why don't we do it your way then? We'll arrange for this girl to move in across the hall from Dennis so he can pathetically moon over her for months on end.
LeonardOkay, that was uncalled-for.
RajYou started it, dude.
Dr. GablehauserCould I have everyone's attention, please? What a wonderful occasion this is, and how fortunate that it should happen to fall on take-your-daughter-to-work day. We're here to welcome Mr. Dennis Kim to our little family.
SheldonWelcome, Dennis Kim.
Dr. GablehauserMr. Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stanford university, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stevenson Award.
SheldonYoungest till the cyborgs rise up!
Dr. GablehauserAnd now, without any further ado, let me introduce the man of the hour, Mr. Dennis Kim. (Everyone applauds) Dennis? Dennis!
Dr. GablehauserWould you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research?
DennisOh no, thanks. I'm going to the mall with Emma. (They leave)
LeonardThe kid got a girl.
HowardDid anyone see how he did it?
Sheldon(To Dr. Gablehauser) Don't worry, I've got this. Ladies and gentlemen, honored daughters, while Mr. Kim, by virtue of his youth and naivety, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me. Thank you.
LeonardYeah, mission accomplished.
RajForget the mission. How did that little yutz get a girl on his own?
HowardI guess times have changed since we were young. Smart is the new sexy.
LeonardThen why do we go home alone every night? We're still smart.
RajMaybe we're too smart.
So smart it's off-putting.
HowardYeah, let's go with that.
HowardUnbelievable. Components I built are on the international space station and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.
LeonardI don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman, "you have to frisk me. I have another rocket in my pants."
RajHey, look at that. It's Dennis Kim. (He drinks from a bottle in a paper bag)
HowardWow, I almost didn't recognize him.
RajYou know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (He and girl kiss passionately)
LeonardYeah, we really ruined his life.
SheldonScrew him; he was weak.