The living room. Leonard and Sheldon are playing 3-D chess.
[Leonard takes a piece, noticing that Sheldon is staring at him, puts the piece back, gestures "I see", meditates for a while, stands up to look at the chessboard from a different angle, moves his bishop.]
SheldonObviously, you're not well suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candy Land would be more your speed.
LeonardJust reset the board.
SheldonIt must be humbling to suck on so many different levels. (The chessboard has 5 levels; Leonard is upset)
Penny(Enters) Hey, guys.
PennyDid you get my mail?
LeonardYeah, right here. How was Nebraska?
PennyWell, better than North Dakota. (Sheldon and Leonard are not amused) I guess that joke's only funny in Nebraska.
SheldonFrom the data at hand, you really can't draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.
PennyBoy, it's good to be back.
LeonardHow's your family?
PennyUgh, it was the worst trip. Everyone got sick over the weekend.
SheldonSick? (Quickly gets up and runs off to the kitchen counter)
LeonardHere we go.
SheldonWhat kind of sick?
PennyUh, the flu, I guess.
SheldonBut I don't need you to guess. I need you to know. (Opens a book) Now, when did the symptoms first appear?
SheldonFriday. Was that morning or afternoon?
SheldonThink, woman. Who blew their nose and when?
LeonardSheldon, relax. She doesn't have any symptoms. I'm sure she's not contagious.
SheldonOh, please. (Takes a step and immediately steps back) If influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear, it would've died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, Homo habilis would've figured out how to kill the guy with the runny nose.
LeonardPenny, you'll have to excuse Sheldon. He's a bit of a germaphobe.
PennyOh, it's okay. I understand.
SheldonThanks for your consideration. Now please leave.
LeonardYou'd better go before he starts spraying you with Lysol.
PennyOkay. Well, thank you for getting my mail. (Leaves)
LeonardNo problem. Welcome home. (Closes the door)
Sheldon(Covers his mouth with the T-shirt he's wearing and sprays Lysol, notices that Leonard is watching him) What?!
The kitchen. Sheldon is doing something at the counter.
LeonardWhat the hell are you doing?
SheldonI'm making Petri dishes to grow throat cultures.
LeonardWith lime Jell-O?
SheldonI need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yogurt. Here, swab my throat.
LeonardI don't think so.
SheldonLeonard, if I'm going to get ahead of this thing, I need to find out what's growing in my throat.
LeonardSheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not.
SheldonWe have no idea what pathogen typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. For having never been to Nebraska, I'm fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies. (Opens his mouth and motions for Leonard to swab his throat)
LeonardSheldon, don't you think you're overreacting?
SheldonWhen I'm lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these Jell-O cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. (Does that "swab" thing again)
LeonardI'm going back to bed.
SheldonWait. Put this in the bathroom. (Hands Leonard a glass mug)
SheldonI need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren't shutting down.
LeonardI mix pancake batter in this!
SheldonNo, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
LeonardYou had time to make a label for everything in this apartment including the label maker, but you didn't have ten seconds to
make one that said "urine cup"?
Sheldon(Takes the cup back and shows Leonard the label) It's right here on the bottom.
LeonardHuh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology.
Sheldon's bedroom. He's in bed.
Sheldon(Coughs and takes his temperature) Oh, dear god. Leonard! (Coughs) Leonard, I'm sick! (Leonard staggers out of the bathroom, pulling his pants) Leonard! Leonard, I'm sick! (Leonard runs off the apartment) Leonard? Leonard? (Comes out of his bedroom, covered in a comforter) Leonard? Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends over to lift the phone) Ow!
Leonard(On phone) Hey.
SheldonLeonard, where are you?
Leonard(Running off the staircase, carrying his sneakers) I'm at work.
SheldonAt 6:30 in the morning?
LeonardThey asked me to come in.
SheldonI didn't hear the phone ring.
LeonardThey texted me.
SheldonWell, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2:00 A. M. And I am producing sputum at an alarming rate.
Leonard(Stops to put on his shoes) No kidding?
SheldonNo, not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.
LeonardAll right, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids.
SheldonWhat else would I drink, gases, solids, ionized plasma?
LeonardDrink whatever you want.
SheldonI want soup.
LeonardThen make soup.
SheldonWe don't have soup.
LeonardI'm at work, Sheldon. (He arrives at the first floor; a woman with a dog enters; the dog woofs)
SheldonIs that a dog?
SheldonIn the lab?
LeonardYes. Oh, they're training dogs to operate the centrifuge for when they need dogs to operate the centrifuge for blind scientists. I have to go. (Hangs up)
Howard's bedroom. He's sleeping when the phone rings.
Mrs. WolowitzHoward, it's the phone!
HowardI know it's the phone, ma, I hear the phone!
Mrs. WolowitzWell, who's calling at this ungodly hour?!
HowardI don't know! Well, ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour!
HowardHow can I ask them when I'm talking to you?! (On phone) Hello.
LeonardHoward, it's Leonard. Code milky green.
HowardDear lord, not milky green.
LeonardAffirmative. With fever.
Mrs. WolowitzWho's on the phone?!
Mrs. WolowitzWhy is he calling?!
Mrs. WolowitzWere you playing with him?!
HowardFor god's sake, ma, I'm 26 years old!
Mrs. WolowitzExcuse me, Mr. Grownup! What do you want for breakfast?!
HowardChocolate milk and Eggos, please!
LeonardHoward, listen to me.
HowardHang on. Call waiting.
LeonardNo, don't, don't.!
SheldonHoward, I'm sick.
Howard(Gets of bed) Ah. (Imitating his mother) Howard's sleeping. This is his mother! Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?
SheldonI need soup.
HowardThen call your own mother! (Switches back to Leonard) It was Sheldon.
LeonardI tried to stop you.
HowardIt's my own fault. I forgot the protocol we put in place after the great ear infection of '06. You call Koothrappali. We need to find a place to lay low for the next 18 to 24 hours.
HowardStand by. Ma, can my friends come over?
Mrs. WolowitzI just had the carpet steamed!
HowardThat's negatory. But there's a Planet of the Apes marathon at the Nuart today.
LeonardFive movies, two hours apiece. It's a start.
Waitress (To Penny) Homeless, crazy guy at table 18.
Penny(Notices that Sheldon, muffled, is sitting at the table, blowing his nose) No, just crazy. (Walks over to the table) Sheldon, what are you doing here?
SheldonI'm sick. Thank you very much.
PennyHow could you have gotten if from me? I'm not sick.
SheldonYou're a carrier. All these people here are doomed. (Stands up; to people) You're doomed!
Penny(Presses him on the shoulder and he sits down) Shh! Sheldon, what do you want?
SheldonI want soup.
PennyWhy didn't you? (Sheldon makes a horrible noise) why didn't you just have soup at home?
SheldonPenny, I have an IQ of 187. Don't you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home, I would have thought of it?
PennyYou can have soup delivered.
Sheldon(Gazes blankly at her for a while) I did not think of that. Clearly, febrile delirium is setting in. Please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for.
PennyOkay, what kind of soup do you want?
SheldonWell, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these homemade croutons.
PennyWe have chicken, tortilla and potato leek.
SheldonCould I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and homemade croutons?
SheldonThen surprise me.
Sheldon(Blows his nose and people at the nearby table stare at him. Noticing they're staring, shows them the mucus on a napkin) Would you call that "moss green" or "forest green"?
Movie theater. Leonard, Howard, and Raj, wearing ape masks, enter.
HowardLook at this. Everyone went chimp.
RajI'd like to point out that I voted for orangutan, but you shouted me down.
Leonard(On phone) Oh, hi, Penny.
PennyHey, where are you?
LeonardI'm, uh, at work.
PennyYou sound funny.
LeonardOh. Uh, um, I'm, um, I'm in a radiation suit. What's up?
PennyYeah well, I'm at work, too, and you'll never guess who's here infecting my entire station.
Leonard(To Howard and Raj) Sheldon's at the Cheesecake Factory. (To Penny) Just tell him to go home.
PennyHe won't leave. He says he's afraid he'll pass out on the bus, and someone will harvest his organs.
Leonard(To Howard and Raj) He's paranoid, and he's established a nest.
PennyCan you please come get him?
LeonardUh, yeah, I'd be, I'd be happy to, Penny. (Elbows Howard and moves his phone to him; Howard imitates alert sounds) oh my god, there's a breach in the radiation unit! The whole city is in jeopardy! Oh, my god! Professor Golden Bell is melting. Gotta go. Bye! (Hangs up) I feel really guilty.
RajYou did what you had to do. (Tries to take some of Howard's popcorn and he stops him)
HowardTake your stinking paws off my popcorn, you damn dirty ape!
Penny and Sheldon are climbing the staircase.
SheldonThanks for bringing me home.
PennyThat's okay. I didn't really need to work today. It's not like I have rent or car payments or anything.
PennyOkay, well, you feel better. (Moves towards her apartment)
SheldonWait. Where are you going?
PennyUm. home. to write some bad checks.
SheldonYou're going to leave me?
PennyHey, Sheldon, you are a grown man. Haven't you ever been sick before?
SheldonOf course, but not by myself.
SheldonWell, once, when I was 15 and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.
SheldonNo. Visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg, with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.
PennyAnd there was no one there to take care of you?
SheldonNah. My mom had to fly back to Texas to help my dad, because the house had slipped off the cinder blocks again.
SheldonIt was tornado season. And it was an aluminum house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. And when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "mochtest du eine darmspfilung?"
PennyWhat does that mean?
SheldonBased on what happened next, I assume it means, "would you like an enema?"
PennyOkay, sweetie. I'll take care of you. What do you need?
SheldonWell, my mom used to give me sponge bath.
PennyOkay, ground rules: No sponge bath, and definitely no enemas.
RajHere we go. (The guys take off masks) Ten-and-a-half hours of ape-y goodness.
LeonardOh. Damn it, my glasses. Okay, I'm blind here, guys. Can you help me find them?
Howard(Aparrently he steps on something) Found them. (Picks them up)
HowardI'm sorry. Don't you have a spare?
LeonardYeah. At home.
RajWell, if you leave now, you can be back before the gorillas rip the crap out of Charlton Heston.
HowardUnless Sheldon's there, in which case, you'll be trapped forever in his whiny, hyper-neurotic snot web.
Leonard(On phone) Hi. Penny? Uh, I was just wondering, is Sheldon still at the restaurant? Okay, that was very nice of you. Okay, I gotta go. Got kind of a full-blown Chernobyl thing here. Gotta go. Bye. (Hangs up) He's home. I'm screwed. Ten-and-a-half hours of ape-y blurriness.
RajHow about Lasik?
LeonardYou want me to get eye surgery?
RajWould you rather go back to the apartment and deal with Sheldon, or have a stranger carve out your corneas with a laser beam? (No response)
Sheldon's bedroom. Sheldon's in bed. Penny pulls up the comforter for him.
PennyOkay, nice and cozy. Okay? I'll see you later.
SheldonWait. Will you please rub this on my chest?
PennyOh, Sheldon, can't you do that yourself?
SheldonVaporub makes my hands smell funny.
SheldonPlease, please, please, please, please?
Penny(Takes the cream and unscrews the cap) I can't believe I'm doing this. (Sheldon lifts his T-shirt to expose his chest)
SheldonNo, no. Counterclockwise, or my chest hair mats.
SheldonCan you sing Soft Kitty?
SheldonMy mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.
PennyOh, sorry, honey. I don't know it.
SheldonI'll teach you. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr. Now you.
PennySoft kitty, warm kitty.
SheldonLittle ball of fur. Keep rubbing.
PennyLittle ball of fur.
[Someone sneaks in a camera and led on a stalk. Cut to the camera that pans]
LeonardWhat do you see? what do you see?
RajI can't. The living room appears to be empty.
LeonardOkay, he must be in his bedroom. My spare glasses are in my bedroom, on my dresser, next to my Bat-Signal.
HowardI'm not going in there.
RajNo way, Jose.
LeonardBut I can't do it. I can't see anything.
HowardIt's all right. Wireless minicam and bluetooth headset. (Puts them on Leonard's head) We'll be your eyes.
HowardOne more thing. This is a subsonic impact sensor. If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk, this device will register it and send a signal to the laptop. At that point, based on the geography of the apartment and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon, you'll have seven seconds to get out, glasses or no glasses.
LeonardWon't my footsteps set it off?
HowardNo. You'll be on your hands and knees. Now, you'll need to get the sensor as close as you can to Sheldon's room.
LeonardLook, how do I carry it if I'm on my hands and knees?
[The doors opens; Leonard crawls across the floor, with a bag hung from his mouth]
HowardStay low. Bear left. Now keep true.
HowardIt means "go straight."
LeonardThen just say, "go straight."
HowardYou don't say, "go straight." When you're giving bearings, you say, "keep true."
LeonardAll right. (Bangs his head against something) I just hit my head.
HowardBecause you didn't keep true. Okay, turn right.
RajThe, the picture's breaking up.
HowardAngle your head to the right. (Leonard does so) Now, a little more. Little more. That's it. Now, just keep true.
All right, you're close enough to Sheldon's room. Deploy the sensor. Now, turn it on.
LeonardIt wasn't on?
LeonardThen why did I have to crawl?
HowardNo, I guess you didn't.
LeonardOkay, it's on.
HowardGood. From this point forward, you will have to crawl.
LeonardI know. (The sensor beeps)
HowardHang on. The sensor's picking up something. Turn your head back.
[A pair of beautiful legs appear]
Penny(Shaking her head) You rat bastard.
Howard(Quickly packs up the device and runs off the staircase with Raj) Told you the sensor would work.
PennyYou deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
LeonardCome on, I had to. You see what he's like.
SheldonPenny? Penny, I'm hungry.
PennyUh, it's okay, sweetie. Good news! Leonard's home!
PennyHere you go. Good luck. Bye.
LeonardOh, Wait, wait.
SheldonLeonard! I'm hungry!
LeonardWait. Penny, take me with you! (Bangs his head against the wall and slumps onto the floor)
Sheldon(Comes out his bedroom) I want grilled cheese.
The living room. Leonard and Sheldon are sitting on the couch. Leonard is pressing an ice pack on his forehead. Sheldon takes out a grilled cheese sandwich out of his comforter and starts to eat it.
SheldonDo you think Penny will come here and take care of us?
LeonardI don't think Penny's ever coming here again.
SheldonI'm very congested.
SheldonCould you go to the kitchen and get me the turkey baster labeled "mucus"?
LeonardIf I stand, I'll vomit.
SheldonUnder the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl.