The living room. LeonardOk... The X-tens are online.
HowardGentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP racing down fibre optic cable at the speed of light to San Fransisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be headed off to submerged transatlantic cables, terminating in Halifax, Nova Scotia and transfered across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP, and the extend receiver attached to this... (The lamp comes on) Lamp. (The boys gasp and applaud)
SheldonLook at me, look at me. I've got goosebumps.
HowardAre we ready on the stereo?
RajGo for stereo.
(Howards presses a key and stereo is on. The music seems to be a THX trailer. The boys "dance" wild)
Penny(Enters) Hey guys.
SheldonHello.
PennyIt's a little loud.
HowardNo problem... Turning it down. San Francisco, Lisbon, Halifax... (The music fades out) And voilà.
PennyOK, thanks. (Starts to leave)
LeonardHang on, hang on. Do you not realise what we just did?
PennyYeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.
SheldonNo, we turned our stereo down, by sending a signal around the world via the Internet.
PennyOh. You know you can get one of those universal remotes at RadioShack? They're really cheap.
LeonardNo no no, you don't get it. Um, uh, Howard, enable public access.
HowardPublic access enabled.
Penny(Not impressed) Boy, that's terrific. I'll see ya.
LeonardNo hang on, hang on...
(The lights go off and on)
LeonardSee?
PennyNo.
SheldonSomeone in Sichuan province, China, is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.
PennyOh, that's handy. Um, here's a question... Why?
BoysBecause we can.
SheldonOh! They found our remote control cars!
PennyWait, what's on top of that?
LeonardWireless webcams, wave hello!
HowardThe monster truck is out of Austin, Texas, and the blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv.
(The cars try to go under Penny's crotch)
SheldonYou may wanna put on slacks.
PennyWhat? Ew, stop it! No! Leave me alone! (Runs off, with the cars in tow)
LeonardWho's running the red Corvette?
HowardThat would be me. The living room, continued from earlier. SheldonYou know in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look at this as eight hours well wasted.
RajI don't wanna be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body. Eight feet tall and ribbed.
HowardI'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human I'd still be Jewish. (Everyone looks at him) I promised my mother.
RajI suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that's something your rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturer.
SheldonNot to mention you'd have to power down on Saturdays.
LeonardSheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
SheldonWell, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
LeonardIt's from the Institute of Experimental Physics, they want us to present our paper on the properties of supersolids at the topical conference of Bose-Einstein condensates.
SheldonI know. I read it before I threw it out.
LeonardOk, if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question: why did you throw it out?
SheldonBecause I have no interest in standing in the Rose room of the Pasadena Marriot, in front of a group of judgmental strangers who wouldn't recognize true genius if it was standing in front of them giving a speech. Which if I were there, it would be.
HowardI don't know, Sheldon. Those topical conferences on Bose-Einstein condensates' parties are legendary.
LeonardForget the parties!
HowardForget the parties? What a nerd.
LeonardAre there any other honours I've got that I don't know about? Did UPS dropped off a Nobel prize with my name on it?
SheldonLeonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
Raj(Laughs) The only thing missing from that insult was: "your mama".
HowardI got one... Hey Leonard, Your mama's research methodology is so flawed...
LeonardShut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this.
SheldonNo, we don't. We have to take a nourishment, to expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.
LeonardOk, let me put it this way: I'm doing it.
SheldonYou can't. I'm the lead author.
LeonardCome on, the only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically. I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation with dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Now to put too fine a point to it, but I was throwing you a bone. You're welcome.
LeonardExcuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
SheldonIt doesn't need proving.
LeonardWh- So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
SheldonThey're not supposed to, but they should.
LeonardAlright, I don't care what you say. I'm going to the conference and I'm presenting our findings.
SheldonAnd I forbid it.
LeonardYou forbid it?
SheldonIf I'm not taking credit for our work then nobody is.
LeonardSo, you admit that it's our work.
SheldonNo. Once again, I'm throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome.
HowardOh no, he didn't. (Snaps his fingers) Leonard's bedroom. Penny is helping him figure out what he could wear to the talk. PennySo, how's it going with Sheldon? Are you guys still not talking to each other?
LeonardNot only is he still not talking to me, but there's this thing he does where he stares at you and tries to get your brain to explode. You know, like in the classic sci-fi movie Scanners? Like.... bzzz. Never mind. How about this one? It says, I know my physics, but I'm still a fun guy.
PennyOh, I didn't know they still made corduroy suits.
LeonardThey don't, that's why I saved this one.
PennyOk, well, let's just see what else you have. Ok, here. Take this. And this, and this, and this, and these...
LeonardIs this all stuff you want me to try on?
PennyNo, this is stuff I want you to throw out. Seriously, don't even give it to charity, you won't be helping anyone. What's this?
LeonardThat's the bottled city of Kandor.
PennyUh-huh.
LeonardYou see, Kandor was the capital city of the planet Krypton. It was miniaturized by Brainiac before Krypton exploded and then rescued by Superman.
PennyOh, nice.
LeonardIt's a lot cooler when girls aren't looking at it.
PennyHere, why don't you put these while I find a shirt and a sport coat to match.
LeonardGreat, be right back.
PennyWhere are you going? Just put them on.
LeonardHere?
PennyOh, are you shy?
LeonardNo, I'm not shy.
PennyDon't worry I won't look.
LeonardI know you won't look. Why would you look? There's nothing to see... Well, not 'nothing'...
PennySweetie, put the pants on. So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?
LeonardNo, No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention, Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.
PennyWhat is this?
LeonardOh, careful. That's my original series Battlestar Galactica fun suit.
PennyOh, why didn't you wear it on Halloween?
LeonardBecause it's not a costume, it's a flight suit.
PennyOk, alright, moving on. Oh, wow. A paisley shirt.
LeonardIt goes with my corduroy suit.
PennyIf you mean it should end up in the same place, then I agree. Is this your only tie?
LeonardUh. Technically, yes. But, if you'll notice... reversible! So it works as two.
PennyOh, sweetie, I don't even think it works as one. Is this all your clothes?
LeonardYeah. Everything since the eighth grade.
PennyThe-the eighth grade?
LeonardMy last growth sprout.
PennyOk, well, let's go back to the curdoroy suit.
LeonardGreat.
PennyYeah. (Leonard grabs a shirt) I said no. Put it down. The staircase and hallway. Sheldon is checking mail. PennyHey Sheldon.
SheldonHello Penny.
PennyGet anything good?
SheldonJust the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics quarterly.
PennyOh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't. (Sheldon looks at her thoughtfully) It was a joke. (Sheldon "laughs") Yep. Tip you waitresses. I'm here all week.
SheldonPenny, just to save you from further awkwardness, know that I'm perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence.
(They start to climb the stairs)
PennyOh, yeah ok, me too. Zip it, lock it. (Mimes zipping her mouth) Put it in your pocket. So, you and Leonard...
SheldonOh dear God...
PennyLittle misunderstanding, huh?
SheldonA little misunderstanding...? Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.
PennyAnyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it.
SheldonOh.
PennyHow do you feel?
SheldonI don't understand the question.
PennyI'm just asking if it's difficult to be fighting with your best friend.
SheldonOh, I haven't thought about it like that. I wonder if I've been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil.
PennyWait, what?
SheldonI couldn't poop this morning. (His bowel movements is supposed to run like a German train schedule)
PennyYou should just talk to him, I'm sure you guys can work this out.
SheldonCertainly preferable to my plan.
PennyWhich was?
SheldonA powerful laxative.
PennyOk. So you absolutely should talk to him. Look, I know Leonard values you as a friend and he told me himself without your little idea there's no way he could come up with this whole experiment thing.
Sheldon(Slowly turns around) Excuse me. "Little idea"?
PennyYeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn't really understand it but...
SheldonOf course you didn't. He said "Little idea"?
PennyOh, well, no... not... not in those words.
SheldonIn what words then, exactly?
PennyOh, you know... Gee. The exact words are... it's more the spirit in which he said...
SheldonWhat did he say?
PennyYou had a lucky hunch.
Leonard(Comes out of the apartment) Hey, Sheldon, I've been thinking, instead of arguing about this...
SheldonDon't you ever speak to me again. (Storms into the apartment and slams the door)
LeonardWhat...?
PennyAw. He... (Mimes that Sheldon is crazy and then go into her apartment) The living room. Leonard(Dressed up) Ok, I'm leaving for the conference.
SheldonHave fun presenting my "lucky hunch." (Air quotes)
LeonardSheldon, I didn't mean it like that.
SheldonThen why did you say it?
LeonardI don't know, I wasn't...
SheldonWere you trying to impress Penny?
LeonardNo, no, not at all. A little bit.
SheldonHow'd that work out for you?
Penny(Enters) Leonard, ready to go?
SheldonLibido: 1 Truth: 0.
LeonardOk, I'm gonna ask you one more time. We did the work together, let's present the paper together.
SheldonAnd I'm telling you for the last time, it's pandering, it's undignifyed, and bite me.
Leonard(To Penny) Let's go.
PennyBye Sheldon.
SheldonGoodbye Penny. (Stares at Leonard and tries to get his brain to explode) Bshh! One of these days... (Mimes the explosion of Leonard's brain) Hallway in front of the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott. PennyThere you go.
LeonardYou're right, this side does look better.
PennyNo, no, I didn't say better, I said "less stained".
HowardI just checked the house. There's probably 20-25 people in there.
LeonardYou're kidding!
PennyIs that all?
Leonard"All?" In particle physics 25 is Woodstock!
PennyOh. Well, then good!
LeonardI wasn't expecting such a crowd, I'm all nervous.
HowardIt's ok, just open with a joke, you'll be fine.
LeonardUh, joke... Ok. How about this? Um, ok... uh, there's this farmer, and he has these chickens but they won't lay any eggs, so... he calls a physicist to help. The physicist then does some calculations, and he says: "Um, I have a solution, but, um, it-it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum". (Howard, Raj and Leonard laugh; Penny is not amused at all) Right?
PennyOh, sorry, I just had heard it before.
HowardLet's roll.
LeonardOk.
HowardHey, nice suit.
LeonardIt's a classic, right?
PennyI really should have brought my own car. The Rose Room. LeonardSo, in conclusion, the data show that at temperatures approaching absolute zero, the moment of inertia changes, and a solid becomes a supersolid, which clearly appears to be a previously unknown state of matter. (Gets a round of applause) Thank you! (Penny is sleeping, leaning her head on Howard's shoulder) Are there any questions?
SheldonYeah. What the hell was that?
LeonardAny other questions?
SheldonDoctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (Pauses) Thank you. (Goes over the front of the room) And you sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park and I saw these children on a merry-go-round which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gases like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
LeonardI didn't skip it. It's just an anecdote, it's not science.
SheldonOh. Oh, I see. It was the apple falling on Newton's head, was that just an anecdote?
LeonardYou are not Isaac Newton.
SheldonNo, no, that's true. Gravity would've been apparent to me without the apple.
LeonardYou cannot possibly be that arrogant.
SheldonYou continue to underestimate me, my good man.
LeonardLook, if you weren't happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me!
SheldonAs I've explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don't need validation from lesser minds. (To the audience) No offense.
LeonardReally, so why did you come?
SheldonBecause I knew you'd screw this up.
LeonardI didn't screw it up!
SheldonOh, please. I admit that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious.
LeonardYes.
SheldonBut it was straight downhill from there.
LeonardYou know, I've had enough of your condescendship. Maybe I didn't go to college when I was 11 like you. Maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room! (To the audience) No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation!
SheldonSo you admit you're an egotist?
LeonardYes! (To the audience) My name is doctor Leonard Hofstadter and I can never please my parents so I need all my self esteem from strangers like you! (Points at Sheldon) But he is worse!
SheldonOk, that's it! (Mimes the explosion of Leonard's brain)
(Howard is recording; Penny is disgusted)
LeonardStop it! You cannot blow up my head with your mind!
SheldonThen I'll settle for an aneurism!
LeonardStop it!
SheldonYou hit me! You saw that he hit me!
LeonardTrying to blow up my head!
SheldonSo it was working!
LeonardIt wa... It was not! You're a nutcase!
SheldonWe'll see about that! (Tries to blow up his head again) Heads up, you people in the front row! This is a splash zone!
LeonardStop! Stop it! (Hits him again) Quit it! (Holds Sheldon's hands and then pins hims against a wall)
PennyIs this usually how these physics things go?
Howard(Recording and smiling) More often than you think.
(Sheldon throws Leonard to the floor; they roll on the floor)
SheldonStop it, nerve pinch. The living room. Leonard is sitting on a couch. Sheldon enters. SheldonYou could've offered me a ride home.
LeonardYou're lucky I didn't run you over.
SheldonI really don't understand what you're so unhappy about. You begged me to come, I came. There's just no pleasing you.
LeonardYou're right, I'm the problem, I'm the one that needs help.
SheldonWell, that's not much of an apology but I'll take it.
LeonardExcuse me, is there anything you would apologize for?
SheldonYes. I'm sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for.
Howard(Enters with Raj) You won't believe this.
RajSomebody got the whole thing with their cell phone and put it on YouTube!
LeonardWhat?
SheldonNow who would do that?
HowardThat would be me. Hey, check it out, it's a featured video!
[On video, "Physicists Gone Wild!"]
SheldonYou hit me! You saw that he hit me!
LeonardTrying to blow up my head!
SheldonThen it was working!
LeonardIt was not working! You're a nutcase!
SheldonWe will see about that! You people in the front row heads up! This is splash zone.
LeonardStop it! Quit it, quit it.
SheldonPut you in Vulcan nerve pinch! You should clip your fingernails! Those hurt!
[The living room]
LeonardOh, Jeez. does this suit really look that bad?
SheldonForget your suit, look at my arms waving. I'm like a flamingo on Ritalin.
Penny(Enters) Howard, would you like to explain to me why your Facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned "me and my girlfriend"?
HowardUh oh, here comes the talk.
(Penny tries to blow up his head) Somewhere in China. SheldonThat You hit me!
LeonardTrying to blow up my head!
SheldonSo it was working!
LeonardIt was not working! You're a nutcase!
SheldonWe will see about that!
Guy eating noodles什么混蛋东西嘛。
Guy in red sweater对呀,很大的书呆子。(They laugh)
(The light flickers)
Guy eating noodles哎,谁在搞鬼?
Guy in red sweater一个来自Pasadena,California州,Wolowizard
GuysAwesome! (They high five)