HowardWatch this, it's really cool. (To his phone) Call Leonard Hofstadter.
PhoneDid you say: "Call Helen Boxleitner"?
HowardNo. (Slowly) Call Leonard Hofstadter.
PhoneDid you say: "Call Temple Beth Seder"?
LeonardHey-hey, let me try it. Call McFlono McFlooloon.
(Leonard, Howard and Raj smiles)
PhoneCalling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj is upset; his phone rings)
RajOh, it's very impressive. And a little racist.
SheldonIf we're all through playing "mock the flawed technology, " can we get on with Halo night? We were supposed to start at 8:00. It is now 8:06.
LeonardSo we'll start now.
SheldonYes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break.
RajWe could split it two, two and two.
HowardIf we're having anchovies on the pizza, we can't take it out of bathroom time.
(Someone knocks on the door. Leonard gets it, revealing Penny)
SheldonOh, what fresh hell is this?
LeonardOh, hey, Penny. Come on in.
HowardSee a Penny, pick her up, and all the day you'll have good luck.
Penny(Not amused) No, you won't. Uh, can I hide out here for a while?
LeonardSure. What's going on?
PennyWell, there's this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christy. Anyway, she called me up, and she's like, "hey, how's California?" And I'm like, "awesome, " 'cause, you know, it's not Bebraska. And the next thing I know she's invited herself out here to stay with me.
PennyAnyway, she got here today and she's just been in my apartment yakety yakking about every guy she slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink.
Howard(Intrigued) Well, is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she throw it all in... like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse?
Penny(To Leonard) He really needs to dial it down.
LeonardI know. So if you don't like this Christy, why are you letting her stay?
PennyWell, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she's kind of family.
SheldonYeah, I apologize for my earlier outburst. Who needs Halo, when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?
LeonardOh, I don't think she's a whore.
PennyNo, yeah, she's definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards. This one time she was at... where's Howard?
Howard(From Penny's apartment) Bonjour, mademoiselle. I understand you're new in town.
SheldonOh, good grief.
The hallway. Penny, Sheldon, Raj, and Leonard stand; hearing music from Penny's apartment.
PennyAw, I cannot believe Christy let Howard into my apartment.
SheldonAnd I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note, it's 8:13 and we're still not playing Halo.
LeonardOkay, fine. We'll just play one-on-one until he gets back.
SheldonOne-on-one? We don't play one-on-one. We play teams, not one-on-one. (In disgust) One-on-one.
LeonardWell, the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half.
RajOh sure, cut the foreigner in half. There's a billion more where he came from.
PennyHey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.
SheldonNo. The wheel was a great idea, relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that.
SheldonWhy? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.
PennyOh, what, what, what?
SheldonThis is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve. There are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate backstory.
Penny(Takes the controller and presses a button) Oh cool. Whose head did I just blow off?
PennyOkay, I got this. Lock and load, boys.
LeonardIt's the only way we can play teams.
SheldonYes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience, and not to mention the fact...
PennyHuh, there goes your head again.
SheldonOkay, it's not good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just respawned. You need to to give them a chance to... (Penny blows off his head again) now, come on!
SheldonRaj, Raj! She's got me cornered. Cover me!
PennyCover this, suckers!
LeonardPenny, you are on fire!
PennyYes, and so is Sheldon.
SheldonOkay, that's it. I don't know how, but she is cheating. No one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game. (Storms off)
PennyWait, wait, Sheldon, come back. You forgot something.
PennyThis plasma grenade. look, it's raining you.
SheldonYou laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.
PennyGosh, he's kind of a sore loser, isn't he?
LeonardWell, to be fair, he's also a rather unpleasant winner.
PennyWell, it's been fun.
LeonardYou know, Penny, we make such a good team. Maybe we could enter a couple of Halo tournaments sometime.
PennyOr we could just have a life.
LeonardI guess for you that's an option.
PennyGood night, Leonard.
PennyAs usual, nice talking to you, Raj. (Closes the door and leaves)
RajWhat do you suppose she meant by that?
LeonardShe's an enigma, Raj.
SheldonAnd another thing, there's a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well established...
LeonardShe's gone, Sheldon.
SheldonWell, she could have said goodbye.
Penny(Enters again) Okay, I have a problem.
SheldonIt's called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it.
PennyWell, um, Howard and Christy are...kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
LeonardAre you sure?
PennyLook, I grew up on a farm, okay? From what I heard, they're either having sex or Howard's caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight?
LeonardNo, yeah, take the couch, or my bed. I just got new pillows. Hypoallergenic.
PennyThe couch is good.
SheldonHold that thought. Leonard, a moment. (Motions for Leonard to go to the kitchen counter)
LeonardLet me guess. You have a problem with this.
SheldonWhere do I begin?
LeonardIt's up to you. Crazy person's choice.
SheldonWell, first, we don't have houseguests. Frankly, if I could afford the rent, I'd ask you to leave.
LeonardYour friendship means a lot to me as well. What else?
SheldonWell... our earthquake supplies. We have a two-man, two-day kit.
SheldonSo if there's an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon.
LeonardI'm sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism?
SheldonNo one ever thinks it'll happen until it does.
LeonardPenny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
SheldonHe's engaging in reductio ad absurdum. It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the result. (To Leonard) And I do not appreciate it.
LeonardI'll get you a blanket and a pillow.
SheldonOkay, well, since I'm obviously being ignored here, let's go over the morning schedule. I use the bathroom from 7:00 to 7:20. Plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly.
PennyHow am I supposed to plan my bodily functions?
SheldonI suggest no liquids after 11:00 P. M.
Leonard(Pats the blanket and pillow) Here you go.
SheldonYour head goes on the other end.
SheldonIt's culturally universal. A bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.
Penny(Deadpan) I'll risk it. Anything else should I know?
SheldonYes, if you use my toothbrush, I'll jump out that window. Please don't come to my funeral. Have a good night.
LeonardSorry about that.
LeonardFYI, his toothbrush is the red one in the Plexiglas case under the UV light.
LeonardWell, sleep tight.
LeonardFunny expression, "sleep tight." It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes, which would occasionally... (Penny looks at him) sleep tight.
(Raj is in the kitchen, eating a piece of toast. He tiptoes towards the door, waves goodbye using the piece of toast, closes the door, and then leaves. Penny, awakend by the sound, gets up and lies down in the reverse direction)
Next morning, the living room.
(Sheldon, with a bowl in his hand, goes over to the couch from the kitech, tries to sit at his spot, notices Penny is still sleeping, hesitates for a while, tries to sit next to Penny's head)
LeonardWhat are you doing?
Sheldon(Runs off to Leonard) Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of two percent milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.
LeonardPenny's still sleeping.
SheldonEvery Saturday since we've lived in this apartment I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal...
LeonardI know, I know. You have a TV in your room. Why don't you just have breakfast in bed?
SheldonBecause I am neither an invalid, nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.
PennyUh, what time is it?
PennyI slept all day?
LeonardOh, no, it's 6:30 in the morning.
PennyWhat the hell is your problem? (Lies down)
SheldonOkay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity. I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.
Howard(Enters, in a purple bathrobe) Hola, nerd-migos.
PennyWhy do you people hate sleep? (Notices Howard) Are you wearing my robe?
HowardOh, yeah. Sorry, I'll have it cleaned.
PennyThat's okay, keep it. Where's Christy?
HowardIn the shower. Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt? Yours reaches places that mine just won't.
PennyYou, you used my loofah?
HowardMore precisely, we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out.
PennyYou can keep that, too.
HowardUh. Well, then we'll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection.
Christy(From outside the door) Howard?
HowardIn here, milady!
Christy(Enters) Hmm. There's my little engine that could.
(She runs over to him and they hug passionately)
SheldonWell, there's one beloved children's book I'll never read again.
Christy(To Leonard) Hi. Christy. (She holds out her hand, and they shake hands)
SheldonI'm Sheldon. (They shake hands)
ChristyRight. You're Howard's entourage.
PennyUh, so, Christy, what are your plans?
ChristyOh, well, Howard said he'd take me shopping in Beverly Hills.
PennyYeah, no, I meant plans to find someplace to live. You know, other than with me. Not that I don't love having you, but it's... it's a little crowded.
LeonardYou know, Penny, you're always welcome to stay with us.
SheldonOh, terrific. Now we're running a cute little B&B.
HowardLet me offer a little outside-the-box thinking here. Why doesn't Christy stay with me?
LeonardFor one thing, you live with your mother.
HowardI do not. My mother lives with me.
SheldonWell, then it's all settled. Christy will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who. Although at this point, it's more like doctor why bother?
LeonardSheldon, you just can't dictate...
SheldonNo more talking! Everybody go!
HowardSo, what do you say? You wanna repair to casa Wolowitz?
ChristyWhat is that, like a Mexican deli?
HowardI'm sorry, I should've mentioned this earlier. My last name is Wolowitz.
ChristyOh, that's so cool. My first Jew.
SheldonI imagine there aren't very many kosher cornhuskers.
HowardBut you're still taking me shopping, right?
HowardAnything you want.
ChristyOkay, I'll go pack my stuff. (Runs off)
Howard(To Penny and the guys) When they perfect human cloning, I'm gonna order 12 of those.
LeonardHoward, can't you see she's using you?
HowardWho cares? Last night, she pulled off her blouse and I wept.
PennyLook, Howard, I know her. Okay? She'll have sex with anyone, as long as they keep buying her things.
HowardYay! If you'll excuse me, I have some bar mitzvah bonds to cash. (Leaves)
SheldonI'm sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
LeonardWe can't order Chinese food without Wolowitz?
SheldonLet me walk you through it. Our standard order is: The steamed dumpling appetizer, General Tso's chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo mein. Do you see the problem?
LeonardI see a problem.
SheldonOur entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided amongst four people. (Signals that Howard is absent)
LeonardSo, we'll just order three entrees.
SheldonFine. What do you wanna eliminate? And who gets the extra dumpling?
RajWe could cut it into thirds.
SheldonThen it's no longer a dumpling. Once you cut it open it is, at best, a very small open-faced sandwich.
WaiterHi, fellas. Oh, where's your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
SheldonHe's putting his needs ahead of the collective good. Where (Points at the waiter) he comes from, that's punishable by death.
WaiterI come from Sacramento.
LeonardCan we get an order of dumplings but with three instead of four?
LeonardThis isn't a substitution. It's a reduction.
WaiterOkay. No reductions.
LeonardFine. Uh, bring us three orders of dumplings. That's 12. We'll each have four.
SheldonNo. If we fill up on dumplings, we need to eliminate another entree.
LeonardIf we have extra, we'll just take the leftovers home.
SheldonAnd divide it how? I'm telling you, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
LeonardWolowitz is with his new girlfriend. If you had let me invite Penny, then you would have had your fourth.
SheldonHave you seen Penny eat Chinese food? She uses a fork and she double-dips her egg rolls.
LeonardWe don't order egg rolls.
SheldonExactly, but we'd have to if she was here!
RajCan we please make a decision? Not only are there children starving in India, there's an Indian starving right here.
LeonardThere's an idea. Why don't we just go out for Indian food?
WaiterYou're nice boys. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to bring you the four dumplings. When I'm walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings fall to the floor. No one has to know.
(The waiter gets upset, says something in Cantonese (硬颈嘅...?) and leaves)
RajHow about soup?
LeonardYeah, we can always divide soup.
SheldonWhat about the wontons?
The hallway. Leonard, Sheldon, and Raj are there. Leonard knocks at Penny's door.
PennyOh. Hey, guys, what's up?
SheldonIt's Halo night.
PennyYeah? Okay. So?
LeonardWell, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christy...
PennyShe's not my friend. Friends do not get their friends' Care Bears all sweaty.
LeonardRight. Anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon?
SheldonYes. Penny... we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don't think I need to tell you what an honor this is.
PennyOh, that's so sweet, but I'm going out dancing with a girlfriend.
SheldonYou can't go out; it's Halo night.
PennyWell, for Penny, it's dancing night.
SheldonYou go dancing every wednesday?
SheldonThen that's not "dancing night."
PennyLook, why don't I play with you guys tomorrow?
SheldonTonight is Halo night. It's like talking to a wall.
PennyAll right, now, Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem.
LeonardSheldon, remember, we role-played this.
SheldonYes, but you didn't portray her as completely irrational.
PennyAll right, fellas, I gotta go. But good luck.
LeonardMaybe we should've asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend.
SheldonOkay, assuming we could dance, which we can't, there are three of us and two of them.
SheldonIt's the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child's play compared with three men each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.
LeonardFor god's sakes, Sheldon, you're driving me crazy!
SheldonYour anger is not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics.
LeonardNo. I'm pretty sure my anger is with you.
RajWhat's happening to us? We're falling apart.
(Sheldon starts to dial some numbers into his phone)
LeonardWho are you calling?
SheldonThe only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe.
Howard(On phone) Hi, this is Howard Wolowitz.
ChristyAnd this is Christy Vanderbelt.
HowardWe can't get to the phone right now because we're having sex!
ChristyYou're not gonna put that on your message, are you?
HowardNah, I'm just kidding. I'll re-record it.
(The call is ended)
In front of Howard's house.
LeonardSheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
SheldonNo, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo three. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include hi-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems.
LeonardYou're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
Mrs. Wolowitz(From behind the door) I'm just saying, you can take the damn plastic off the couch once in a while! Why, so you and Howard can hump on it?
HowardLadies, ladies, I'm sure there's a middle ground.
LadiesShut up, Howard!
HowardYou know what, you guys talk. I'm gonna take my scooter out for a little spin.
ChristyYou happy? You drove your own son out of the house!
Howard(Comes out of the door) Hey, what are you guys doing here?
SheldonIt's Halo night.
Mrs. WolowitzHe's not a man, he's a putz! And don't you take that tone with me, you gold digger!
ChristyWhat'd you call me?
Mrs. WolowitzYou heard me! And I'll tell you something else, you're barking up the wrong tree. 'Cause as long as you're around, Howard is out of the will!
ChristyYou know what? I got better offers. I'm outta here.
Mrs. WolowitzThat's right. Go back to Babylon, you whore!
HowardSo, Halo night, huh?
Raj(Puzzled) I thought she was the whore of Omaha.
The living room.
HowardSheldon, you got him in your sights! Fire! He's charging his plasma rifle!
SheldonI can't shoot now. I'm cloaking!
LeonardNow, Raj! Kill Sheldon!
RajI can't see him!
SheldonThat's why they call it cloaking, dead man!
LeonardStart throwing grenades!
RajI'm all out!
(Penny and a bunch of girls enter)
PennyHey, guys. My friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you.
LeonardThat road, Raj, shoot in the tank!
SheldonWe said no tanks!
RajThere are no rules in hell!
HowardBring a med pack! I need a med pack!
Penny(To girls) Told ya. (They leave)
LeonardThere's a sniper. Use your rocket launcher!
RajAll I've got is a needler and I'm all out of ammo!
SheldonAnd now you're out of life. Why'd you hit pause?
LeonardI thought I heard... something.
LeonardNo, never mind. Sorry. Go.