The hall and the staircase. RajOkay, if no one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paintball.
HowardThat was absolutely humilating.
LeonardOh come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
HowardYes, but you don't have to lose to Kyle Bernstein's bar mitzvah party.
LeonardI think we have to acknowledge, those was some fairly savage preadolescent jews.
SheldonNo, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.
LeonardSheldon, let it go!
SheldonNo, I wanna talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.
HowardI shot you for good reason. You were leading us into disaster.
SheldonI was giving clear, concise orders.
LeonardYou hid behind a tree yelling, "Get the kid in the yarmulke! Get the kid in the yarmulke!"
PennyOh, hey, guys.
LeonardOh, hey, Penny.
HowardHello. Morning, ma'am. (Salutes)
PennySo, how was paintball? Did you have fun?
SheldonSure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. You clear space on your calendar, there will be an inquiry.
PennyOkay. Um, hey, I'm having a party on Saturday, so if you guys are around, you should come by.
LeonardA party?
PennyYeah.
HowardA... "boy-girl" party?
PennyWell, there will be boys and there will be girls and it is a party, so... It'll just be a bunch of my friends. We'll have some beer, do a little dancing.
SheldonDancing?
LeonardYeah, I don't know, Penny...
SheldonThe thing is, we're not...
LeonardNo, we're really more of a...
SheldonNo.
LeonardBut thanks. Thanks for thinking of us.
PennyAre you sure? Come on, it's Halloween.
SheldonA Halloween party?
HowardAs in... costumes?
PennyWell, yeah.
[The boys exchanges glances]
LeonardIs there a theme?
PennyUm, yeah, Halloween.
SheldonYes, but are the costumes random, or genre-specific?
PennyAs usual, I'm not following.
LeonardHe's asking if we can come as anyone from science fiction, fantasy...
PennySure.
SheldonWhat about comic books?
PennyFine.
SheldonAnime?
PennyOf course.
SheldonTV, film, D&D, manga, Greek gods, Roman gods, Norse gods-
PennyAnything you want! Okay? (Playfully strokes him on the cheek) Any costume you want. (Starts to leave) Bye.
HowardGentlemen, to the sewing machines. The living room. Someone knocks on the door. Leonard(Wearing a Flash costume) I'll get it.
[Howard, wearing the same Flash costume, dashes into the room]
LeonardOh, no.
SheldonOh, no. (He is wearing the same Flash costume too)
RajMake way for the fastest man alive! (in the same costume) Oh, no.
SheldonSee, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.
LeonardWe all have other costumes: We can change.
RajOr we could walk right behind each other all night and look like one person going really fast.
HowardNo, no, no. It's a boy-girl party, this flash runs solo.
LeonardOkay, how about this? Nobody gets to be The Flash. We all change. Agreed?
AllAgreed.
LeonardI call Frodo! (Runs off)
AllDamn! The living room. RajHey. Sorry I'm late, but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.
LeonardYou went with Thor?
RajWhat, just because I'm Indian I can't be a Norse god? "No, no, Raj has to be an Indian god." That's racism. I mean look at Wolowitz. He's not English, but he's dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon is neither sound nor light, but he's obviously the Doppler effect.
HowardI'm not Peter Pan. I'm Robin Hood.
RajReally? Because I saw Peter Pan, and you're dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it's basically the same look, man.
LeonardHey, Sheldon, there's something I wanna talk to you about before we go to the party.
SheldonI don't care if anybody gets it. I'm going as the Doppler effect.
LeonardNo, it's not that.
SheldonIf I have to, I can demonstrate. (It is commonly heard when a vehicle sounding a siren or horn approaches, passes, and recedes from an observer. Compared to the emitted frequency, the received frequency is higher during the approach, identical at the instant of passing by, and lower during the recession.)
LeonardTerrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.
SheldonWell, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?
LeonardFor example, tonight, no one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey.
SheldonBut there's nothing embarrassing about that. Your father worked with Louis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting.
LeonardAll I'm saying is that this party is the perfect opportunity for Penny to see me as a member of her peer group, a potential close friend, and perhaps more, and I don't want to look like a dork. (Looks into the mirror and fixes his fake ears) The hallway. Howard knocks at Penny's door. HowardJust a heads up, fellas. If anyone gets lucky, I've got a dozen condoms in my quiver.
PennyOh, hey, guys.
LeonardHey. Sorry we're late.
PennyLate? It's 7:05.
SheldonAnd you said the party starts at 7:00.
PennyYeah, I mean, when you start a party at 7:00, no one shows up at, you know, 7:00.
SheldonIt's 7:05.
PennyYes. Yes, it is. Okay. Well, um, come on in.
HowardSo, what, are all the girls in the bathroom?
PennyProbably, but in their own homes.
SheldonSo, what time does the costume parade start?
PennyThe parade?
SheldonYeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume. You know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visualization of a scientific principal.
PennyOh, Sheldon, I'm sorry, but there aren't going to be any parades or judges or prizes.
SheldonThis party is just going to suck.
PennyNo! Come on, it's gonna be fun, and you all look great. I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan. That's so cute.
LeonardActually, Penny, he's Robin Hood.
HowardI'm Peter Pan. And I got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.
PennyNo, you don't. Uh, hey, what's Sheldon supposed to be?
LeonardOh, he's the Doppler effect.
SheldonYes. It's the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.
PennyOh, sure, I see it now. The Doppler effect. All right, I gotta shower. You guys, um, make yourselves comfortable.
LeonardOkay.
SheldonSee? People get it.
(The guys sit on the couch. Time lapses. The party is ongoing.)
RajBy Odin's beard, this is good Chex Mix. (Offers Howard it)
HowardNo, thanks. Peanuts. I can't afford to swell up in these tights.
SheldonI'm confused. If there's no costume parade, what are we doing here?
LeonardWe're socializing, meeting new people.
SheldonTelepathically?
Penny(To some girl) Oh, hey, when did you get here? Hi.
RajPenny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I've ever seen. And that includes Halle Berry's.
LeonardShe's not Catwoman. She's just a generic cat.
SheldonAnd that's the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competion.
HowardHey, guys, check out the sexy nurse. I believe it's time for me to turn my head and cough.
RajWhat is your move?
HowardI'm going to use the mirror technique. She brushes her hair back, I brush my hair back. She shrugs, I shrug. Subconsciously she's thinking, "We're in sync. We belong together."
LeonardWhere do you get this stuff?
HowardYou know, psychology journals, Internet research, and there's this great show on VH1 about how to pick up girls. (Leaves)
RajIf only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women, or around women...or at times even effeminate men.
Howard(To a girl in a nurse costume) If that's a working stethoscope, maybe you'd like to hear my heart skip a beat?
GirlNo, thanks.
HowardNo, seriously, you can. I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.
LeonardI want to get to know Penny's friends, I just don't know how to talk to these people.
SheldonWell, I actually might be able to help.
LeonardHow so?
SheldonLike Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured. But patterns emerge. They have their own language, if you will.
LeonardGo on.
SheldonWell, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting, "How wasted am I?" Which is met with an approving chorus of "Dude."
LeonardThen what happens?
SheldonThat's as far as I've gotten.
LeonardThis is ridiculous. I'm jumping in.
SheldonGood luck.
LeonardNo, you're coming with me.
SheldonOh, I hardly think so.
Leonardcome on.
SheldonAren't you afraid I'll embarrass you?
LeonardYes; but I need a wing man.
SheldonAll right, but if we're going to use flight metaphors, I'm much more suited to being the guy from the FAA analyzing wreckage.
(They approaches a girl)
GirlHi.
LeonardHi.
SheldonHello.
GirlSo what are you supposed to be?
SheldonMe? I'll give you a hint.
GirlA choo-choo train?
Sheldon(Excited) Close! (Does the sound again)
GirlA brain damaged choo-choo train?
(A girl drops down onto the couch and sits next to Raj)
GirlHow wasted am I?
(Raj shrugs and smiles without saying anything. Sheldon and Leonard are talking to another girl. Sheldon does the sound again)
GirlI still don't get it.
SheldonI'm the Doppler effect.
GirlOkay, if that's some sort of learning disability, I think it's very insensitive.
Leonard(Frustrated) Why don't you just tell people you're a zebra?
SheldonWhy don't you just tell people you're one of the seven dwarves?
LeonardBecause I'm Frodo.
SheldonYes, well, I'm the Doppler effect.
LeonardOh, no.
SheldonWhat?
LeonardThat's Penny's ex-boyfriend.
SheldonWhat do you suppose he's doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. (He is big)
LeonardIf he were any bigger, he'd have moons orbiting him.
SheldonOh, snap. So, I guess we'll be leaving now.
LeonardWhy should we leave? For all we know he crashed the party and Penny doesn't even want him here.
(Penny and her ex-boyfriend hug)
SheldonYou have a backup hypothesis?
LeonardMaybe they just want to be friends. (He caresses her on the cheek)
SheldonOr maybe she wants to be friends and he wants something more.
LeonardThen he and I are on equal ground.
SheldonYes, but you're much closer to it than he is. (Leonard is shorter)
LeonardLook, if this was 1, 500 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.
SheldonAnd male partners, animal partners, large primordial eggplants... pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.
LeonardYes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift. In the Information Age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn't have to back down.
SheldonTrue. Why don't you text him that and see if he backs down?
LeonardNo. I'm going to assert my dominance face-to-face.
SheldonFace-to-face? Are you gonna wait for him to sit down, or are you gonna stand on the coffee table?
LeonardHello, Penny. Hello, Kurt.
PennyOh, hey, guys, are you having a good time?
SheldonGiven the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system.
KurtWhat, you're a zebra, right?
SheldonYet another child left behind.
KurtAnd what are you supposed to be, an elf?
LeonardNo, I'm a hobbit.
KurtWhat's the difference?
LeonardUh, a hobbit is a mortal halfling inhabitant of Middle-earth, whereas an elf is an immortal, tall warrior.
KurtSo why the hell would you want to be a hobbit?
SheldonBecause he's neither tall nor immortal and none of us could be The Flash.
KurtWell, whatever. Why don't you go hop off on a quest? I'm talking to Penny here.
LeonardI think we're all talking to Penny here.
SheldonI'm not. No offense.
KurtOkay, maybe you didn't hear me. Go away.
PennyAll right, Kurt, be nice.
KurtOh, I am being nice. Right, little buddy? (Rubs Leonard's hair)
PennyKurt.
LeonardOkay. I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can't compete with me on an intellectual level so you're driven to animalistic puffery.
KurtCall me a puffy animal?
PennyOf course not. No, he's not. You're not, right, Leonard?
LeonardNo, I said "animalistic." I mean, of course we're all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.
SheldonIf he understands that, you're in trouble.
KurtSo, what, I'm unevolved?
SheldonYou're in trouble.
KurtYou know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf.
PennyOkay, Kurt, please.
LeonardPenny, it's okay. I can handle this. I am not a dwarf, I'm a hobbit. A hobbit. Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory?
KurtOkay, now you're starting to make me mad.
LeonardA homo habilis discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
KurtWhat?
Leonard(Chuckles) I think I've made my point.
KurtYeah? How about I make a point out of your pointy little head?
SheldonLet me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation, I will be less than useless.
LeonardThere's not going to be a confrontation. In fact, I doubt if he can even spell "confrontation."
Kurt(Hold him around his waist and lifts him up) C- O-N... frontation!
PennyKurt, put him down this instant!
KurtHe started it!
PennyI don't care. I'm finishing it. Put him down!
KurtFine. You're one lucky little leprechaun.
SheldonHe's a hobbit! (To Leonard) I got you back.
PennyLeonard, are you okay?
LeonardYeah, I'm fine. It's good, it's a good party, thanks for having us. It's just getting a little late, so...
PennyOh, okay. All right, well, thank you for coming.
(Leonard motions for Sheldon to leave)
Sheldon(To Penny) Happy Halloween. (Leaves) (To Leonard) If it's any consolation, I thought that homo habilis line really put him in his place. The living room. LeonardWhat's that?
SheldonTea. When people are upset, the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. (Leonard takes the tea) (Pats Leonard on the shoulder) There, there. You wanna talk about it?
LeonardNo.
SheldonGood. "There, there" was really all I had.
LeonardGood night, Sheldon.
SheldonGood night, Leonard. (Leaves)
Penny(Knocks on the door and enters) Hey, Leonard?
LeonardHi, Penny.
PennyHey, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
LeonardI'm fine.
PennyI am so sorry about what happened. (Goes over to the couch and sits down next to Leonard)
LeonardIt's not your fault.
PennyYes, it is. That's why I broke up with him. He always does stuff like that.
LeonardSo why was he at your party?
Penny(Sighs) Well, I ran into him last week and he was just all apologetic about how he's changed. And he was just going on and on and... I believed him and I'm an idiot because I always believe guys like that. I can't go back to my party because he's there. And know you don't want to hear this and I'm upset and I'm really drunk and I just want to... (Leans her head against his shoulder)
Leonard(Pats her awkwardly) There, there.
PennyGod, what is wrong with me?
LeonardNothing, you're perfect.
PennyOh, I'm not perfect.
LeonardYes, you are.
PennyYou really think so, don't you?
(Kisses him on the lips)
LeonardPenny?
PennyYeah?
LeonardHow much have you had to drink tonight?
PennyJust... a lot.
LeonardAre you sure that your being drunk and your being angry with Kurt doesn't have something to do with what's going on here?
PennyIt might. Boy, you're really smart.
LeonardYeah, I'm a freaking genius.
PennyLeonard, you are so great. Why can't all guys be like you?
LeonardBecause if all guys were like me, the human race couldn't survive.
PennyI should probably go.
LeonardProbably.
(Penny heads towoard the door; Leonard follows her)
PennyThank you. (Leonard shrugs; she kisses him on the lip; Kurt appears)
LeonardThat's right, you saw what you saw. That's how we roll in the Shire. (Closes and bolts the door) The living room. Somone knocks on the door. SheldonComing. (Opens the door to reveal Howard)
HowardHey, have you seen Koothrappali?
SheldonHe's not here. Maybe the Avengers summoned him.
HowardHe's not the Marvel Comics Thor, he's the original Norse god.
SheldonThank you for the clarification.
HowardI'm supposed to give him a ride home.
SheldonWell, I'm sure he'll be fine. He has his hammer. Some girl's bedroom. GirlOhh. I have to say, you are an amazing man. You're gentle, passionate. And, my God, you are such a good listener.
(Raj is really, really satisfied with himself)