SheldonAll right. I'm moving my infantry division augmented by battalion of orcs from Lord of The Rings. We flanked the Tennessee volunteers, and the north once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
HowardNot so fast. Remember the south still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
LeonardNo no no, orcs are magic. Superman is vulnerable to magic. Not to mention you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
RajWhy don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh?
PennyYou guys ready to order?
Howard(To Penny)Hang on, honey. (To Raj) Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu gods against the entire Union army?
PennyI'll be back.
Raj'Scuse me. Ganesh is the remover of bbstacles and Shiva is the destroyer. When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
Penny(Comes back) All right, my boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.
HowardWhat do you recommend for someone who worked up a man-sized appetite from a morning of weight training and cardio funk?
HowardI'll take the Heart Smart platter.
PennyAll right, thank you, and Sheldon?
SheldonWe don't eat here. I don't know what's good.
PennyWell, it's all good.
LeonardJust get a hamburger. You like hamburgers.
SheldonI like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers. You can't make the assumption that I'll like the hamburgers here.
LeonardI'm sorry. (To Penny) Give him a hamburger.
PennyAll right, which one? The Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger, or the Kobe Burger?
SheldonCan't we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger... the Big Boy.
PennyWell, the Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.
SheldonExcuse me, in a world that already includes a Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?
PennyBecause you're not at Big Boy!
SheldonFine, I'll have the Barbecue Burger.
LeonardMake it two.
SheldonWaitresses don't yell at you at Big Boy.
Leslie(Approaches) Hey, Leonard. Hi, guys.
LeslieI didn't know you ate here.
SheldonWe don't. This is a disturbing aberration.
LeonardLeslie, uh, this is Penny. She lives across the hall from Sheldon and me.
HowardAnd walks in quiet beauty like the night.
PennyHoward, I've asked you not to do that.
LeonardLeslie and I do research together at the university.
PennyOh, wow, a girl scientist.
LeslieYep, come for the breasts, stay for the brains. (To Leonard) So, I'm glad I ran into you. The Physics Department string
quartet needs a new cellist.
LeonardWhat happened to Elliot Wong?
LeslieHe switched over to high-energy radiation research, had a little mishap, and now the other guys are uncomfortable sitting next to him. So are you in?
LeonardYeah, sure, why not?
LeslieGreat, we rehearse on Tuesdays at your place.
LeonardWhy at my place?
LeslieYeah, Department of Energy said our regular space is kind of a hot zone. (To Penny) Nice meeting you. (Leaves)
PennyYeah, you too. Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
LeonardYeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in Advanced Placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.
HowardIf you're into music, I happen to be a human beatbox.
PennyReally? (Howard plays music with his mouth) I'm actually not that into music. (To Leonard) So hey, your friend's really cute. Anything going on with you two?
LeonardLe-leslie? No, no. What, are you kidding?
SheldonHe asked her out once. It was an embarrassing failure.
LeonardThank you, Sheldon.
SheldonOh, I'm sorry. Was that supposed to be a secret?
PennyAw, that's too bad. You guys'd make a cute couple. (Leaves)
HowardWhat's the matter?
RajShe didn't take my order.
HowardHow can she take your order when you're too neurotic to talk to her?
RajNevertheless, this will be reflected in her tip.
LeonardWhat did Penny mean, "You'd make a cute couple?"
SheldonWell, I assume she meant the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate and somewhat less likely interpretation is that you could manufacture one. As in, "Oh, look, Leonard and Leslie made Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb. Aren't they adorable?"
LeonardIf Penny didn't know that Leslie had turned me down, then it would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought I should ask her, Leslie, out indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But, because she did know that I had asked Leslie out and that she, Leslie, had turned me down, then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. "That's too bad, you would've made a cute couple..." but while thinking:"Good, Leonard remains available."
SheldonYou're a lucky man, Leonard.
SheldonYou're talking to one of the three men in the western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.
LeonardWell, what do you think?
SheldonI said I could follow it. I didn't say I care.
The living room. The string quartet is rehearsing.
LeslieI admire your fingering.
LeslieMaybe sometime you can try that on my instrument. (He glances at her and she smiles. He glances again)
LeslieGood night, guys. Good job.
WomanSee you next week.
LeonardThat was fun, Leslie. Thanks for including me.
LeslieYou're welcome. If you're up for it we could practice that middle section again.
LeonardUh, sure, why not?
LeslieJust so we're clear, you understand that me hanging back to practice with you is a pretext for letting you know that I'm sexually available. (Leonard suddenly stops, bumps into his music stand, and drops the sheet music)
LeslieYeah, I'm good to go.
LeonardI thought you weren't interested in me.
LeslieThat was before I saw you handling that beautiful piece of wood between your legs.
LeonardYou mean my cello?
LeslieNo, I mean the obvious, crude, double entendre. I'm seducing you.
LeslieWhat can I say? I'm a passionate and impulsive woman. So how about it?
LeslieIs it the waitress?
LeonardPenny? What about her?
LeslieWell, I thought I saw your pupils dilate when you looked at her. Which, unless you're a heroin addict, points to sexual attraction.
LeonardWell, I did have a poppy seed bagel for breakfast. Which could give a positive urine test for opiates but certainly not dilate my pupils. So I guess there was no point in bringing it up.
LeslieYou and the waitress then.
LeonardNo... no. There's nothing going on between Penny and me.
LeslieSo you're open to a sexual relationship?
LeonardYeah, yeah, I guess I am.
LeonardYeah, it is. It is good. Did you want to start now?
LeslieWhy don't we finish this section first?
LeonardOh, okay. A little musical foreplay. Terrific.
(The beat gets faster and faster)
LeonardI'm g-good to go.
The hallway. Sheldon knocks at the door of Penny's apartment.
PennyOh, hey, Sheldon. What's going on?
SheldonI need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.
SheldonSemiotics. The study of signs and symbols. It's a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.
PennyOkay, sweetie, I know you think you're explaing yourself but you're really not.
SheldonJust come with me.
[Leonard's bedroom door. A tie is hung on the doorknob. They hear music from behind the door.]
SheldonWhat does it mean?
PennyOh, come on, you went to college.
SheldonYes, but I was 11.
PennyAll right, look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn't want to be disturbed because, they're... you know, getting busy.
SheldonSo you're saying Leonard has a girl in there?
Well, either that or he's lost his tie rack and gotten really into Bryan Adams.
Leslie(In a dry voice) Oh, Leonard, you magnificent beast.
PennyWe really shouldn't be standing here.
[The living room.]
SheldonThis is very awkward.
PennyOh, come on, you know, Leonard's had girls over before, right?
SheldonOh, yes, but there's usually planning, courtship, advance notice... you know, last time, I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.
PennyWa-wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?
SheldonI didn't have to. The dates just happened to coincide.
PennySo, do you know who's in there?
SheldonWell, there's Leonard. And he's either with Leslie Winkle, (Picks up her violin case) or a 1930s gangster.
PennyHmm, good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, good night. (Starts to leave)
SheldonNo, no, wait, hold on.
PennyWhat's the matter?
SheldonI don't know what the protocol is here. Do I stay? Do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage?
PennyGee, Sheldon, you're asking the wrong girl. I'm usually on the other side of the tie. (Leaves)
[Sheldon hesitates for a moment, and then goes over to his spot and sits down. He pulls out his cellphone and starts to dial.]
Sheldon(On phone) Hi, Leonard? It's me, Sheldon... in the living room. I just... I wanted you to know I saw the tie. Message received. You're welcome. You-you carry on. Give my best to Leslie. (Hangs up and don't know what to do)
Leonard's bedroom. They are sleeping. Leonard wakes up, looks at Leslie and smiles. Cut to the living room. Sheldon is sleeping on the couch.
Sheldon(Wakes up) Big Boy... (Notices that someone is in the bathroom) Someone touched my board. Oh, God, my board! Leonard! Leonard!
LeonardHey, what's the matter?
SheldonMy equations, someone's tampered with my equations.
LeonardAre you sure?
SheldonOf course I'm sure. Look at the beta function of quantum chromodynamics. The sign's been changed.
LeonardOh, yeah. But doesn't that fix the problem you've been having?
SheldonAre you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you... hey, look. That fixes the problem I've been having.
Leslie(Comes out of the bathroom) You're welcome.
SheldonYou did this?
LeslieYeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water. So I fixed it and now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh?
Leslie(To Leonard) Listen, I gotta get to the lab. Thanks for a great night.
LeonardThank you. I'll see you at work.
SheldonHold on. Hold on!
SheldonWho told you you could touch my board?
SheldonYeah, I don't come into your house and touch your board.
LeslieThere are no incorrect equations on my board.
SheldonOh, that is so... so...
LeslieI'm sorry, I gotta run. If you come up with an adjective, text me.
SheldonInconsiderate. That is the adjective, "inconsiderate." (Pulls out his cellphone and starts to text her)
The hallway. Leonard are leaving.
SheldonYou can stare at your board all day, Sheldon. She's still going to be right.
SheldonI'm not staring, I'm mauling.
Penny(Climbs up the stairs) Oh, hey, Leonard.
PennySo... how's it going?
PennyJust pretty good? I'd think you were doing very good.
LeonardPretty, very... there's really no objective scale for delineating variations of "good." Why do you ask?
PennyWell, a little bird told me that you and Leslie hooked up last night.
PennySo, is it serious? Do you like her?
LeonardI don't... Th-th-that's really two different questions. Uh, I'm not... Sheldon, we have to go!
SheldonBoy, you're wound awfully tight for a man who's just had sexual intercourse.
PennyAll right, well, I'll talk to you later, but I am so happy for you, Leonard. (Leaves)
LeonardThank you. (To Sheldon) What did she mean she's happy for me? Is she happy because I'm seeing someone? Or is she happy because she thinks that I'm happy? Because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy. Even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person.
SheldonDo you realize I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?
LeonardYou know what? I'm being ridiculous. Who cares what Penny thinks? Leslie is a terrific girl. She's attractive. We like each other. She's extremely intelligent...
SheldonShe's not that intelligent.
LeonardShe fixed your equation.
SheldonShe got lucky.
LeonardYou don't believe in luck.
SheldonI don't have to believe in it for her to be lucky.
LeonardRegardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Leslie. I'm not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future of happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy, with a woman who is currently making me happy.
SheldonI still don't care.
LeslieCareful, Leonard. Liquid nitrogen, 320 degrees below zero.
LeonardWhy are smashing a flash-frozen bana?
LeslieBecause I got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn't find a knife. (Picks up the banana pieces with a pair of tongs and puts them in a bowl)
LeonardSo anyway... (Hugs her from behind) Hello.
LeslieUh, what are you doing?
LeonardJust... extending the intimacy. Hey, do you wanna slip over to the radiation lab and share a decontamination shower?
LeslieOkay, uh, what exactly do you think's going on between us?
LeonardI'm not sure, but I think I'm about to discover how the banana felt.
LeslieListen, Leonard, neither of us are neuroscientists, but we both understand the biochemistry of sex. I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses, causing pleasure. You stick electrodes in a rat's brain, give him an orgasm button, he'll push that thing until he starves to death.
LeonardWell, who wouldn't?
LeslieWell, the only difference between us and the rat is that you can't stick an electrode in our hypothalamus. That's where you come in.
LeonardYeah, well, I'm just glad to be a part of it. So what happens now?
LeslieWell, I don't know about your sex drive, but I'm probably good till New Year's. (Starts to eat breakfast)
LeonardOh. Okay. Thank you.
LeslieThank you. You wanna make plans for New Year's?
LeslieWhoa, Leonard, please. You're smothering me.
LeonardOh. Sorry. (Leaves)
[Cut to the hallway]
HowardHey, look. It's Dr. Stud!
HowardThe blogosphere is a buzzing with news of you and Leslie Winkle making Eine Kleine bang-bang music.
LeonardWhat? How did it get on the Internet?
HowardI put it there.
LeonardWell, how did you know about it?
RajA little bird told us. Apparently, you are a magnificent beast.
LeonardThat part's true.
SheldonYou know, I think I may have misjudged this restaurant.
SheldonI don't want to go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger.
LeonardYour old Tuesday hamburger will be so brokenhearted.
SheldonWay ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Souplantation.
SheldonYeah. The name always confused me anyway. Souplantation. You can't grow soup.
Penny(Approaches) So, how's everything?
SheldonMmm! Terrific. You'll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.
PennyReally? Oh, yay!
SheldonWho do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?
PennyUm... I don't know... a psychiatrist? (Sheldon is stunned) (To Leonard) So, hey, how are things with you and Leslie?
LeonardOh, to be honest, I don't think it's going to work out.
PennyOh. Oh, that's too bad. Well, hey, don't worry. I'm sure there's someone out there who's just right for you. (Leaves)
LeonardWhat did she mean by that?! Was that just a generic platitude, or was that a subtle bid for attention?
SheldonYou know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single-decker hamburger, whereas the Big Boy is a double-decker. This has a much more satisfying meat-to-bun-to-condiment ratio.
LeonardAre you even listening to me?
SheldonOf course, I'm listening. Blah, blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah, blah, blah.
LeonardOkay, then. You know, you can grow the ingredients for soup.