The living room.
SheldonYou know, I've been thinking about time travel again.
LeonardWhy, did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?
SheldonPut it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me if I ever did perfect a time machine, I would just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
SheldonYeah, it really takes the pressure off.
LeonardSounds like a breakthrough. Should I call science magazine and tell them to hold the cover?
SheldonIt's time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that.
[Leonard closes the door; they head for the staircase.]
LeonardThen I guess congratulations are in order.
SheldonNo, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I am not going to enjoy this party.
LeonardI know, I'm familiar with you.
SheldonThe last department party, professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.
LeonardYes, I was there.
SheldonYou know what's interesting about caves, Leonard?
LeonardWell, then we'll avoid Finkleday, we'll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go.
SheldonHow's this? "Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehauser. How fortunate for you that the university's chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you've done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo."
Leonard"Mahalo's" a nice touch.
SheldonYou know there only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language?
LeonardInteresting. You should lead with that.
Room in Physics department.
Raj(Piles food onto his plate) Oh, god, look at this buffet. I love America.
LeonardYou don't have buffets in India?
RajOf course, but it's all Indian food. You can't find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. (Raises a piece of bread or something; to Leonard) Shmear me. (Leonard smears it with butter or something)
SheldonWell, here's an interesting turn of events.
LeonardWhat? Howard brought a date?
SheldonA more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.
HowardHey, what up, science bitches? May I introduce my special lady friend Summer?
SummerHoward, I told you touching's extra.
LeonardHere comes our new boss. Be polite.
EricHi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.
EricHoward, nice to meet you. And you are?
SheldonAn actual real scientist. (To Leonard) How was that?
SheldonI can't believe he fired me.
LeonardWell, you did call him a glorified high school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
SheldonIn my defense, I prefaced that by saying, "with all due respect."
The living room.
LeonardYou're making eggs for breakfast?
SheldonThis isn't breakfast, it's an experiment.
LeonardHuh. 'Cause it looks a lot like breakfast.
SheldonI finally have time to test my hypothesis about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins and its impact vis-a-vis taste.
LeonardSounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon.
SheldonAs do I.
LeonardYou know, I'm sure if you just apologize to Gablehauser, he would give you your job back.
SheldonI don't want my job back. I've spent the past three and a half years staring at grease boards full of equations. Before that, I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that, I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades and I'm going to savor it.
LeonardOkay. I'll let you get back to fixing your eggs.
SheldonNot just fixing my eggs, I'm fixing everyone's eggs.
LeonardAnd we all thank you. (Leaves)
Sheldon(Takes the eggs and a notebook to his spot, sits down, opens the notebook, takes a photo of the eggs, writes something down, sighs, takes a forkful of the eggs, and writes down) Use new eggs.
[Door knocks; Penny pokes her head in and then enters]
Pennyhi. Hey, I'm running out to the market. Do you guys need anything?
SheldonOh, well, this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.
SheldonI need eggs. Four dozen should suffice.
SheldonYes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free-range, large, extra large and jumbo.
PennyOkay, one more time.
SheldonNever mind. You won't get it right. I'd better come with you.
PennyHow come you didn't go into work today?
SheldonI'm taking a sabbatical because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.
PennySo you got canned, huh?
SheldonTheoretical physicists do not get canned... but yeah.
PennyWell, maybe it's all for the best. You know, I always say when one door closes, another one opens.
SheldonNo, it doesn't. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved.
PennyNo, no, I meant...
SheldonOr if the first door closing creates a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.
SheldonSlow down. Slow down. Please, slow down!
SheldonYou're not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
PennyOh, sure, I am.
SheldonNo, no, let me do the math for you. This car weighs, let's say 4, 000 pounds. Now add 140 for me, 120 for you...
SheldonOh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?
SheldonInteresting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let's say 4, 400 pounds.
PennyLet's say 4, 390.
SheldonFine. We're traveling forward at- good lord- 51 miles an hour. Now let's assume that your brakes are new and the calipers are aligned. Still, by the time we come to a stop, we'll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation... oh, look, they built a new putt-putt course.
SheldonThis is great. Look at me. I'm in the real world of ordinary people just living their ordinary, colorless workaday lives.
SheldonNo, thank you. (To a woman passing by) And thank you, ordinary person. (To Penny) Hey, you wanna hear an interesting thing about tomatoes?
PennyUh, no, no, not really. Listen, didn't you say you needed some eggs?
SheldonYes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.
PennyOh, okay, well, then maybe you should start heading on out then.
SheldonNo, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes- and I think you'll really enjoy this- is they're shelved with the vegetables, but they're technically a fruit.
PennyNo, I mean what you find enjoyable.
SheldonWell, there's some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much. What you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
PennyWell, maybe that's what I was going for.
SheldonWell, then you'll want some manganese.
(Penny is stunned)
SheldonWell, that was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores.
PennyOh, I don't know, Sheldon. It's gonna take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today.
SheldonAre you sure? There are a lot of advantages to buy in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one-month supply at a time.
SheldonThink about it. It's a product that doesn't spoil and you're going to be needing them for at least the next 30 years.
PennyYou want me to buy 30 years worth of tampons?
SheldonWell, 30, 35. Hey, when did your mother go into menopause?
PennyOkay. I'm not talking about this with you.
SheldonOh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we're talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28-day cycle... are you fairly regular? (Penny slams the door)
Okay, no warehouse store, but we're still on for putt-putt golf, right?
The living room.
LeonardHey, I just ran into Penny. She seemed upset about something.
SheldonI think it's her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference.
LeonardWhat's with the fish?
SheldonIt's an experiment.
LeonardWhat happened to your scrambled egg research?
SheldonOh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they're ever going to be.
SheldonI read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought, "hey, fish nightlights."
SheldonIt's a billion-dollar idea. Shh...
LeonardMum's the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don't wanna just apologize to Gablehauser and get your job back?
SheldonOh, no, no, no, I have too much to do.
LeonardLike luminous fish. (Sheldon shushes him) I'm sorry. I didn't...
SheldonThat's just the beginning. I also have an idea for a bulk mail-order feminine hygiene company. Oh, glow-in-the-dark tampons! Leonard, we're gonna be rich.
LeonardThanks for coming on such short notice.
Mrs. CooperWell, you did the right thing calling.
LeonardI didn't know what else to do. He's lost all focus. Every day he's got a new obsession.
[They enter the apartment to find Sheldon is weaving a poncho at a loom.]
LeonardThis is a particularly disturbing one.
Sheldon(Holding a shuttle) Mommy?
Mrs. CooperHi, baby! (Goes over and hugs him) Oh, you got yourself a loom? How nice!
Mrs. CooperHoney, why'd you get a loom?
SheldonI was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey... "loom." Mom, what are you doing here?
Mrs. CooperLeonard called me.
SheldonI know, but (To Leonard) why?
LeonardBecause one of the great minds of the 21st century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes.
SheldonThis is not a serape, this is a poncho.
A serape is open at the sides; a poncho is closed. This is a poncho. And neither is a reason to call someone's mother.
LeonardReally? When was the last time you left the house?
SheldonI went to the market with Penny.
LeonardYeah, that was three weeks ago.
SheldonWell, then buckle up: in the next four to eight days she's going to get very crabby.
Mrs. CooperSweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you.
SheldonYes, well, I'm not a child. I'm a grown man, capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don't need someone telling on me to my mother! (Heads for his room)
LeonardWait, where are you going?
SheldonTo my room and no one's allowed in!
Mrs. CooperHe gets his temper from his daddy.
Mrs. CooperHe's got my eyes.
Mrs. CooperAll that science stuff, that comes from Jesus.
The living room.
LeonardSheldon, your mom made dinner.
SheldonI'm not hungry!
Mrs. CooperOh, Leonard, don't trouble yourself. He's stubborn. He may stay in there till the Rapture.
PennyWe so sure that's a bad thing?
Mrs. CooperI tell you, I love the boy to death, but he has been difficult since he fell out of me at the Kmart.
HowardExcuse me for being so bold, but I now see where Sheldon gets his smoldering good looks.
Mrs. CooperHoney, that ain't gonna work, but you keep trying. (To Raj) I made chicken. I hope that isn't one of the animals that you people think is magic. (Raj shakes his hand) You know, we have an Indian gentleman at our church, a Dr. Patel, it's a beautiful story. The lord spoke to him and moved him to give us all 20% off on lasik- you know, those that needed it.
L That is a lovely story. Um, are we gonna do anything about Sheldon?
Mrs. CooperOh, we will. You have to take your time with Sheldon. His father, god rest his soul, used to always say to me, "Mary, you have to take your time with Sheldon."
LeonardSounds like a wise man.
Mrs. CooperOh, not so wise. He once tried to fight a bobcat for some licorice. So, everybody grab a plate and a pretty place mat that Shelly wove.
PennyHas Shelly ever freaked out like this before?
Mrs. CooperOh, all the time. I remember one summer when he was 13, he built a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told everybody he was gonna provide free electricity for the whole town. Well, the only problem was, he had no what you call "fissionable" materials. Anyway, when he went on the internets to get some, a man from the government came by and sat him down real gentle,
and told him it's against the law to have yellowcake uranium in a shed.
PennyWell, what happened?
Mrs. CooperWell, poor boy had a fit. Locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray.
LeonardA death ray?
Mrs. CooperWell, that's what he called it. Didn't even slow down the neighbor kids. It pissed our dog off to no end. (To Penny and Leonard) You know, you two make a cute couple.
LeonardUh, no. We're not... we're not-not a couple. We're singles. Two singles.
LeonardLike those... individually wrapped slices of cheese that... we're friends.
Mrs. Cooper(To Howard) Did I pluck a nerve there?
Mrs. CooperOkay. All right, everybody, it's time to eat. Oh, lord, (Everyone stops) we thank you for this meal and all of your bounty. And we pray that you help Sheldon get back on his rocker. (To Howard and Raj) Now, after a moment of silent meditation, I'm gonna end with "in Jesus' name," but you two don't feel any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the holy spirit moves you.
(Raj and Howard hold each other's hands)
PennyOh, my god, this is the best cobbler I've ever had.
Mrs. CooperIt was always Sheldon's favorite. You know what the secret ingredient is?
(Sheldon sneaks in)
HowardHey, look who's come...
Mrs. Cooper(Shushes him) You'll spook him. He's like a baby deer, (Sheldon creeps up to the kitchen counter; whispering) you gotta let him come to you.
(Sheldon takes some cobbler with a plastic spatula; Everyone looks at him; Sheldon sneaks a glance; Everyone looks down)
LeonardThis is ridiculous. Damn it, Sheldon, snap out of it! You're a physicist, you belong at the university doing research, not hiding in your room! (Sheldon runs back to his room without saying anything)
Mrs. CooperYou don't hunt, do you?
Mrs. CooperGood morning, snickerdoodle.
Mrs. CooperOh, well, that looks awful fancy. What is that?
SheldonIt's my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon-based life-form.
Mrs. CooperBut intelligently designed by a creator, right?
SheldonWhat do you want, mom?
Mrs. CooperYou know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water?
Mrs. CooperWell, I'm done fishing. You put those on.
Mrs. CooperBecause you're gonna go down to your office, you're gonna apologize to your boss and get your job back.
Mrs. CooperI'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words, "if it please your highness"?
SheldonI'm not going to apologize, I didn't say anything that wasn't true.
Mrs. CooperNow, you listen here. I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody, but you can't go around pointing it out.
Mrs. CooperBecause people don't like it! Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbor kids? Now, let's get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and let's shove off.
SheldonThere wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.
[The kitchen. Leonard is at the counter, meditating]
Mrs. Cooper(To Leonard) Problem solved.
LeonardReally? That's impressive.
Mrs. CooperLeonard, the lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully, he blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.
Dr. Gablehauser's office. He's writing something on a board.
Mrs. CooperExcuse me, Dr. Gablehauser, are you busy?
Mrs. CooperSheldon, he's just doodling. Get in here.
Mrs. CooperLet's go, baby, we're losing daylight.
SheldonUm, as you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong... to point it out.
Eric(To Mrs. Cooper) I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced. (Reaches out his hand) Dr. Eric Gablehauser.
Mrs. CooperMary cooper, Sheldon's mom.
EricNow, that's impossible, you must have had him when you were a teenager.
Mrs. CooperOh, aren't you sweet. His father's dead.
Mrs. CooperLong enough.
Eric(Motions for her to sit down) Please. (To Sheldon) Sheldon, shouldn't you be working?
SheldonOkay. (Leaves and closes the door)
LeonardHey, how did it go?
SheldonI got my job back.
LeonardReally? What happened?
SheldonI'm not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.
LeonardThat narrows it down.
Mrs. CooperI'm very proud of you, honey. You showed a lot of courage today.
SheldonThanks, mom. Mom? Is Dr. Gablehauser going to be my new daddy?
Mrs. CooperWe'll see. Sleep tight.
[There is a luminous fish in a fish tank on the nightstand.]