The living room. The guys are playing World of Warcraft.
HowardAll right, just a few more feet. And... here we are, gentlemen, the Gates of Elzebob.
LeonardDon't panic. This is what the last 97 hours have been about.
HowardStay frosty. There's a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Asaroth.
LeonardWarriors, unsheathe your weapons. Magic wielders, raise your wands.
SheldonLock and load.
HowardRaj, blow the gates.
RajBlowing the gates. Control, shift...b! Ih, my god, so many goblins!
HowardDon't just stand there, slash and move, slash and move!
LeonardStay in formation!
HowardLeonard, you got one on your tail.
LeonardThat's all right, my tail's prehensile, I'll swat him off.
RajI got him, Leonard. Tonight I spice my mead with goblin blood.
LeonardRaj, no, it's a trap! They're flanking us!
RajHe's got me!
HowardSheldon, he's got raj. Use your sleep spell! Sheldon... sheldon?
SheldonI've got the Sword of Asaroth!
LeonardForget the sword, sheldon, help Raj!
SheldonThere is no more sheldon. I am the sword master!
HowardLeonard, look out!
LeonardDamn it, man, we're dying here!
LeonardThe bastard teleported!
RajHe's selling the Wword of Asaroth on eBay.
LeonardYou betrayed us for money? Who are you?
SheldonI'm a rogue night elf. Don't you people read character descriptions? Wait, wait, wait! Somebody just clicked "buy it now."
HowardI am the sword master!
The living room.
SheldonOh, I'm all sweaty. Anybody want to log on to Second Life and go swimming? I just built a virtual pool.
LeonardNo. I can't look at you or your avatar right now.
(Laughter from the hallway)
HowardSounds like your neighbor's home.
SheldonDon't forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you'd have an excuse to talk to her.
LeonardOh, right, right, right, right.
HowardStealing snail mail, very old school, I like it.
[Cut to the hallway]
LeonardPenny, the mailman, did it again... he... oh, sorry.
PennyUm, oh, hi, Leonard. This is Doug. Doug, this is my neighbor Leonard.
DougWhat's up, bro?
LeonardNot much... bro.
PennyIs everything okay?
LeonardYeah, no, I just... I got your mail again. Here.
PennyThank you. I've got to talk to that mailman.
LeonardOh, no, that's probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap, so...
PennyOkay. Well, thank you, again.
LeonardNo problem. Bye. Oh, and bye... bro.
[Cut back to the living room]
SheldonPenny for your thoughts.
RajWhat's the matter?
LeonardI'm fine. Penny's fine. The guy she's kissing is really fine.
HowardKissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?
LeonardWhat is wrong with you?
HowardI'm a romantic.
SheldonPlease don't tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.
LeonardI'm not jealous. I'm just a little concerned for her. I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.
HowardBecause he looks better than you?
LeonardYeah. He was kinda dreamy.
SheldonWell, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted, smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.
HowardI disagree. Love is not a sprint, it's a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms... or hits you with the pepper spray.
LeonardI'm-I'm done with Penny. I'm gonna be more realistic and go after someone my own speed.
LeonardI don't know... Olivia Geiger?
SheldonThe dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?
SheldonI don't think you have a shot there. I have noticed that Leslie Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming, one can only assume she's signaling sexual availability.
HowardI don't know. You guys work in the same lab.
HowardThere are pitfalls. Trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law, I'm a bit of a self taught expert.
LeonardLook, howard, if I were to ask Leslie winkle out, it would just be for dinner. I'm not gonna walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
HowardOh, then you're probably okay.
LeonardLeslie, I would like to propose an experiment...
LeonardRight. Leslie, I would like to propose an experiment.
LeslieHang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a 500 kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my cup & noodles.
LeonardI've done it. About two seconds. 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio- social exploration with a neuro- chemical overlay.
LeslieWait, are you asking me out?
LeonardI was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague slash friendship paradigm with the addition of a date like component, uh... we don't need to quibble over terminology.
LeslieWhat sort of experiment would you propose?
LeonardThere's a generally accepted pattern in this area. I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant. Then, we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
LeslieInteresting. Would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the biochemical reaction during the good night kiss?
LeonardHeart rate, pheromones, etc. Yes.
LeslieWhy don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?
LeonardYou mean kiss you now?
LeonardCan you define the parameters of the kiss?
LeslieClose mouthed but romantic. Mint?
LeonardThank you. (Each of them chews a mint) Shall I count down from three?
LeslieNo, I think it needs to be spontaneous. (They kiss)
LeslieWhat do you think?
LeonardYou proposed the experiment. I think you should present your findings first.
LeslieFair enough. On the plus side, it was a good kiss. Reasonable technique, no extraneous spittle. On the other hand, no arousal.
LeonardAh. Well, thank you for your time.
Leonard(Leaves and then comes back) None at all? (Leslie shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head)
The living room.
HowardSheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't... would you want me to tell you?
SheldonThat depends. When... I learn that I'm a robot... will I be able to handle it?
HowardMaybe. Although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
SheldonUh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's three laws of robotics?
RajYou might be bound by them right now. (Looks at him meaningfully)
HowardThat's true. Have you ever harmed a human being or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?
SheldonOf course not.
HowardHave you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?
HowardI smell robot.
Leonard(Enters) Hey, what's going on?
SheldonInternet's been down for half an hour.
RajAlso, sheldon may be a robot.
HowardSo how'd it go with Leslie?
LeonardOh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn't move. I mean, any more than the 383 miles that it was gonna move anyway. (Heads to the bathroom)
SheldonOh, I've seen that look before. This is just gonna be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don't know if I can take it.
RajYou could power down.
HowardWell, as usual, Wolowitz has the solution. I happen to know a place where there are plenty of eligible women and Leonard could have his pick.
A large room. The guys participate in a dancing class.
TeacherRemember the latin hips. Shoulders stay still, and... we sway. One, two, three... five, six, seven.
HowardI think Mrs. Tishman's got her eye on you. I've been there. You're in for a treat.
The living room.
Leonard(Opens the door and sings) She said, you don't know me, you don't even care, oh, yeah...
SheldonOh, good lord.
LeonardShe said, you don't know me, you don't wear my chains, oh, yeah. God, that's a good song.
SheldonIf you're compiling a mix cd for a double suicide. Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.
LeonardI know what you're thinking. I've taken your asthma into account. There's a feline geneticist in San Diego who's developed the cutest little hypoallergenic calicos.
SheldonLeonard, listen to me...
LeonardI've been thinking about names. I'm kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzy Boots.
SheldonLeonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?
LeonardMaybe. If it's a cute, little, cuddly cat.
SheldonCome on. Leonard... This is obviously about penny.
LeonardIt doesn't matter. The woman's not interested in me. The woman rejected me.
SheldonOkay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you, that she did not reject you. You did not ask her out.
LeonardYou're right. I didn't ask her out. I should ask her out.
SheldonNo, no, now that was not my point. My point was don't buy a cat.
LeonardNo, but you're right. I should march over there and ask her out.
SheldonOh, goody, we're getting a cat.
Hallway in front of apartments.
LeonardUh... no. (Knocks on Penny's door)
PennyOh, hey, Leonard.
LeonardGood afternoon, penny. So, hi... hey. Uh... I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.
PennyUh, you mean dinner tonight?
LeonardThere is an inherent ambiguity in the word "dinner." Technically it refers to the largest meal of the day whenever it's consumed.
So to clarify here, by dinner I mean supper.
LeonardOr dinner. I was thinking 6:30 if you can go. Or a different time?
PennyUh, 6:30's great.
PennyYeah, I like hanging out with you guys.
PennyYou know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj. Who all's coming?
LeonardThey... might all be there. Or a subset of them might be there. Algebraically speaking, there are too many unknowns. For example, Sheldon had Quiznos for lunch. Sometimes he finds that filling, other times he doesn't. It's no fault of Quiznos, they have a varied menu.
PennyOkay, whatever. It sounds like fun.
LeonardGreat. Did we say a time?
LeonardAnd that's still good for you?
Leonard'Cause it's not carved in stone.
PennyNo, 6:30's great.
LeonardI'll get my chisel.
LeonardTo... carve the... Okay, I'll see you 6:30.
The living room.
LeonardHow do I look?
SheldonCould you be more specific?
LeonardCan you tell I'm perspiring a little?
SheldonNo. The dark crescent shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?
SheldonPerfect. That gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate.
LeonardIs it too much?
SheldonNot if you're a rugby team.
LeonardBy the way, if it should ever come up, you didn't join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quiznos.
SheldonWhy would I join you?
LeonardNo reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn't such a good idea.
SheldonOh, no, well, now there's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgment on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.
LeonardYou're right. Alcohol, poor judgment; it could go well.
SheldonOf course there is the other possibility, that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall, until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.
LeonardYou could've stopped at "it could go well."
SheldonIf I could've, I would've.
LeonardI mean, I'm a perfectly nice guy. There's no reason we couldn't go to the restaurant, and have a lovely dinner, maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common. You love pottery? I love pottery! There's a pause, we both know what's happening. I lean in, we kiss. It's a little tentative at first, but then I realize she's kissing me back. She's biting my lower lip! You know, she wants me! This thing is going the distance! We're gonna have sex! Oh, god, oh, my god!
SheldonIs the sex starting now?
LeonardI'm having a panic attack.
SheldonOh, okay. Uh, well then... calm down.
LeonardIf I could calm down, I wouldn't having a panic attack; that's why they call it a panic attack!
SheldonAll right, all right. Uh, would you just s-s-sit down. Yeah, sit down and now close your eyes.
SheldonJust do it.
SheldonNow, uh, try to increase your alpha wave activity.
SheldonIt's a biofeedback technique. It's relaxation through brain wave manipulation. I read a paper about it in Journal of American Neuroscience. It was a little sparsely sourced, but I think the basic science is valid. I probably have it here somewhere.
LeonardWho am I kidding? I can't go through with this. You need to call her and cancel.
SheldonWhat should I tell her?
LeonardI don't know. Tell her I'm sick.
LeonardNot the kind of illness that will make her wanna come over and take care of me, but-but nothing so critical that she'll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I wanna try this again.
SheldonGot it. So I'm assuming nothing venereal? I'll just tell her that you had a routine conoloscopy and haven't quite bounced back.
LeonardGive me the phone. (Snatches the phone out of his hand)
SheldonI thought you wanted to cancel.
LeonardI can't, because if I don't show up she'll still be expecting you.
SheldonWhy would she be expecting me?
LeonardStop asking me all these questions. I need to take another shower.
PennySo are the rest of the guys meeting us here?
LeonardOh, yeah... no. It turns out that Raj and Howard had to work, and Sheldon... had a colonoscopy and he hasn't quite bounced back yet.
PennyOh, my uncle just had a colonoscopy.
LeonardYou're kidding. Well then that's something we have in common.
LeonardWe both have people in our lives who... want to nip intestinal polyps in the bud.
PennySo, what's new in the world of physics?
LeonardWell, with the exception of string theory, not much has happened since the 1930s. And you can't prove string theory.
At best you can say, "hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency."
PennyAh. Well, I'm sure things will pick up.
LeonardWhat's new at The Cheesecake Factory?
PennyOh, uh, not much. We do have a chocolate key lime that's moving pretty well.
LeonardGood. Good. Uh what about your, uh... hallway friend?
PennyDoug? Oh, yeah, I don't know. I mean, you know, he's nice and funny, but...
wt Can I get you started with some drinks?
LeonardNo! (Makes a funny noise and motions her to leave; to Penny) You were saying? But...
Penny(To the waitress) I'd like a drink.
LeonardJust say the "but" thing about Doug and I'll get her back.
PennyOkay, well, I don't know, it's just me. I'm still getting over this breakup with Kurt and this thing with Doug would just be rebound sex.
LeonardOh, don't get me started on rebound sex.
PennyIt's just... it's my pattern. I break up, then I find some cute guy, and then it's just 36 meaningless hours of... you know.
LeonardI'm not sure that I do. Uh... is that one 36-hour experience, or is that 36 hours spread out over, say... one glorious summer?
PennyNo, it's usually over a weekend, and trust me, you do not feel good after it.
LeonardWell, chafing, right?
LeonardOf course, yeah, emotional chafing. Hey, do you wanna see something cool? I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.
LeonardPhysics. (Makes the olive spin in the glass)
PennyWow, centrifugal force.
LeonardActually, it's centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive... (Drops the olive) Excuse me. (Goes under the table to find it) If you were riding on the olive, you'd be in a non-inertial reference frame and would... (Bangs his head against the table)
PennyAre you okay?
LeonardYeah, I'm okay. Did you spill ketchup?
LeonardI'm not okay.
PennyAre you sure you don't wanna go to the emergency room?
LeonardNo, no, I'm okay. It stopped bleeding.
PennyI know, but you did throw up. Isn't that a sign of a concussion?
LeonardYes. But I get car sick, too, so...
LeonardSorry about your car, by the way.
PennyOh, no, it's fine. You got most of it out the window.
LeonardThe poor guy on the bike. I had a nice time.
PennyYeah, me too. Well, um, good night.
PennyWas this supposed to be a date?
LeonardThis? No. No, of course not. This was just you and me hanging out with a bunch of guys who didn't show up 'cause of work and a colonoscopy.
PennyOkay, I was just checking.
LeonardWhen I take a girl on a date, and I do, she knows she's been dated. Capital 'd'. Boldface. Underlined. Da... ted. I think I might have a little concussion. I'm gonna go lie down. Good night.
The living room.
SheldonSo, how was your date?
SheldonScore one for liquor and poor judgment.