Hallway outside High-IQ Sperm Bank.
SheldonSo, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved, it will. However, if it's observed after it's left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone though both slits.
LeonardAgreed. What's your point?
SheldonThere's no point. I just think it's a good idea for a T-shirt.
[At the reception desk]
Leonard(To Althea, the receptionist) Excuse me.
Leonard(Noticing she's doing a crossword puzzle) Uh, one across is "Aegean." Eight down is "Nabokov." 26 across is "mcm." 14 down is... move your finger...
"phylum" which makes 14 across "Port-au-Prince" see,"papa doc's capitol idea," that's "Port-au-Prince." Haiti.
AltheaCan I help you?
LeonardYes. (Looks at Sheldon) Um... is this the high-IQ sperm bank?
AltheaIf you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here.
SheldonI think this is the place.
AltheaFill these out.
LeonardThank you. We'll be right back.
AltheaOh, take your time. I'll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh, wait.
SheldonLeonard, I don't think I can do this.
LeonardWhat, are you kidding? You're a semi-pro.
SheldonNo. We are committing genetic fraud. There's no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high-IQ offspring. Think about that. I have a sister with the same basic dna mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.
LeonardSheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwith in the apartment.
SheldonI know, and I do yearn for faster downloads. But there's some poor woman who's gonna pin her hopes on my sperm. What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?
LeonardI'm sure she'll still love him.
LeonardWell, what do you want to do?
SheldonI want to leave.
SheldonWhat's the protocol for leaving?
LeonardI don't know- I've never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.
SheldonLet's try just walking out.
SheldonBye. Nice meeting you.
The staircase of their apartment building.
SheldonAre you still mad about the sperm bank?
SheldonYou want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
SheldonIf the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.
LeonardI don't care. Two milli... that doesn't seem right.
SheldonNo, it's true. I did a series of experiments when I was 12. My father broke his clavicle.
LeonardIs that why they sent you to boarding school?
SheldonNo. That was a result of my work with lasers.
(They see Penny through an open door)
LeonardSignificant improvement over the old neighbor.
Sheldon200-pound transvestite with a skin condition? Yes, she is.
LeonardWe don't mean to interrupt. We live across the hall.
PennyOh, that's nice.
LeonardOh, no, uh, we don't live together. I mean, we live together, but in separate,heterosexual bedrooms.
PennyOh. Okay, well, guess I'm your new neighbor. Penny.
LeonardOh. Leonard. Sheldon.
AllHi. Hi. Hi.
LeonardWell, uh... oh, uh, welcome to the building.
PennyOh, thank you. Maybe we can have coffee sometime.
LeonardGreat. - Well, uh, bye.
LeonardBye. Should we have invited her for lunch?
SheldonNo. We're gonna start season two of Battlestar Galactica.
LeonardWe already watched the season two dvds.
SheldonNot with commentary.
LeonardI think we should be good neighbors and invite her over, make her feel welcome.
SheldonWe never invited Louie-slash-Louise over.
LeonardWell... and that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.
SheldonI have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on Myspace.
LeonardYes, and you've never met one of them.
SheldonThat's the beauty of it.
LeonardI'm gonna invite her over. We'll have a nice meal and... chat.
SheldonChat? But we don't chat. At least not offline.
LeonardWell, it's not difficult. You just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response.
SheldonTo what end?
(Leonard knocks on Penny's door)
LeonardAnyway, um... we brought home Indian food (Shows her the bag). And, um... I know that moving can be stressful. And I find that when I'm undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you, that, you know, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.
SheldonLeonard, I'm no expert here, but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
PennyOh, you're inviting me over to eat?
PennyOh, that's so nice. I'd love to.
PennySo, what do you guys do for fun around here?
SheldonWell, today we tried masturbating for money.
Opening theme song.
(Barenaked Ladies – History Of Everything)
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state,
Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started, wait...
The Earth began to cool,
The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools,
We built a wall (we built the pyramids),
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,
That all started with a big bang, bang!
Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.
Leonard(To Penny) Okay, well, make yourself at home.
PennyOkay. Thank you.
LeonardYou're very welcome.
Penny(Notices a whiteboard) This looks like some serious stuff. Leonard, did you do this?
SheldonActually, that's my work.
SheldonYeah. Well, it's just some quantum mechanics with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that's just a joke. It's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer approximation.
Penny(Amazed) So you're like one of those Beautiful Mind genius guys.
PennyThis is really impressive.
LeonardI have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
SheldonHoly smokes. If by "holy smokes" she mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.
SheldonCome on. Who hasn't seen this differential below "here I sit, broken-hearted"?
LeonardAt least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out.
SheldonI didn't invent them. They're there.
LeonardIn what universe?
SheldonIn all of them... that is the point.
PennyUh... do you guys mind if I start?
SheldonUm... Penny... that's where I sit.
PennySo, sit next to me.
SheldonNo... I sit there.
PennyWhat's the difference?
SheldonWhat's the difference?
LeonardHere we go.
SheldonIn the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there it faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on, but I think I've made my point.
PennyDo you want me to move?
LeonardJust sit somewhere else.
SheldonFine. (Tries to find somewhere to sit)
Sheldon(Sits down) Ah.
LeonardWell, this is nice. We don't have a lot of company over.
SheldonThat's not true. Koothrappali and Wolowitz come over all the time.
LeonardYes, I know, but...
SheldonTuesday night we played Klingon Boggle till 1:00 in the morning.
LeonardYeah, I remember.
SheldonI resent you saying we don't have company.
SheldonThat has negative social implications.
LeonardI said I'm sorry!
PennySo... Klingon Boggle?
LeonardYeah. It's like regular Boggle, but... in Klingon. That's probably enough about us. So, tell us about you.
PennyUm... me? Okay. I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
SheldonYes. It tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
PennyParticipate in the what?
LeonardI think what Sheldon's trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.
PennyOh, yeah. A lot of people think I'm a water sign. Okay, let's see, what else. Oh, I'm a vegetarian. Except for fish. And the occasional steak. I love steak!
SheldonWell, that's interesting. Leonard can't process corn.
LeonardWell, uh, do you have some sort of a job?
PennyOh, yeah. I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
LeonardOh... I love cheesecake.
LeonardI don't eat it- I just think it's a good idea.
PennyOh. Anyways, I'm also writing a screenplay. It's about this sensitive girl who comes to L. A. From Lincoln,Nebraska,to be an actress and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
LeonardSo, it's based on your life.
PennyNo, I'm from Omaha.
LeonardWell, if that was movie, I would go see it.
PennyI know, right? Okay, let's see, what else... um... guess that's about it. That's the story of Penny.
LeonardWell, it sounds wonderful.
PennyIt was. Until I fell in love with a jerk!
Sheldon(Mouths) What's happening?
Leonard(Mouths) I don't know.
PennyGod, you know, four years I lived with him. Four years- that's like as long as high school.
SheldonIt took you four years to get through high school?
(Leonard motions "cut it out")
PennyIt just... I can't believe I trusted him. (Gets up and heads for the kitchen to get some tissues) (Sheldon quickly takes the now vacant spot)
Leonard(To Sheldon, quietly) Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.
SheldonYou? No, you'll only make it worse.
PennyYou want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts... I still love him (Starts to cry). Is that crazy?
LeonardNo, it's not crazy. It's uh... uh... it's a paradox.Paradoxes are part of nature. Think about light. If you look at it Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double-slit experiments, but then along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles, too. (To Sheldon) Well, I didn't make it worse.
PennyI'm so sorry. I'm such a mess. On top of everything else, I'm all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn't even work.
LeonardOur shower works.
PennyReally? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
LeonardIt's right down the hall.
PennyThanks. You guys are really sweet (Heads for the bathroom).
SheldonWell, this is an interesting development.
SheldonIt has been some time since we've had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.
LeonardThat's not true. Remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer's had that episode?
SheldonPoint taken. It has been some time since we've had a woman take her clothes off, after which we didn't want to rip our eyes out.
LeonardThe worst part was watching her carve that turkey.
SheldonSo, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?
SheldonThat woman in there is not going to have sex with you.
LeonardWell, I'm not trying to have sex with her.
SheldonOh, good. Then you won't be disappointed.
LeonardWhat makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me? I'm a male and she's a female.
SheldonYes, but not of the same species.
LeonardI'm not going to engage in hypotheticals here. I'm just trying to be a good neighbor.
SheldonOh, of course.
LeonardThat's not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn't participate. However briefly.
SheldonDo you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?
LeonardIt's Darth Vader shampoo. (Someone knocks on the door; goes to get it) Luke Skywalker's the conditioner.
HowardWait till you see this.
RajIt's fantastic, unbelievable.
HowardIt's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
LeonardThis isn't a good time.
Howard(Imitating computer voice) It's before he became a creepy computer voice.
LeonardThat's great. You guys have to go.
LeonardIt's just not a good time.
SheldonLeonard has a lady over.
HowardYeah, right, your grandmother back in town?
LeonardNo. And she's not a lady. She's just a new neighbor.
HowardHang on, there really is a lady here?
HowardAnd you want us out because you're anticipating coitus?
LeonardI'm not anticipating coitus.
HowardSo she's available for coitus?
LeonardCan we please just stop saying "coitus"?
SheldonTechnically, that would be "coitus interruptus."
PennyHey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower...? Oh, hi. Sorry. Hello.
HowardEnchanté mademoiselle. Howard wolowitz, Caltech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work. It's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs.
PennyPenny. I work at the Cheesecake Factory.
LeonardCome on, I'll show you the trick with the shower.
PennyI'm... I'm sorry?
HowardIt's French for "good shower." It's a sentiment I can express in six languages.
LeonardSave it for your blog, Howard.
LeonardAll right, there it goes. It sticks. I'm sorry.
LeonardYou're welcome. Oh, you're just going to step right... okay, I'll...
LeonardThe hair products are sheldon's.
PennyOkay. Um, can I ask you a favor?
LeonardA favor? Sure, you can ask me a favor. I would do you a favor for you.
PennyIt's okay if you say no.
LeonardOh, I'll probably say yes.
PennyIt's just not the kind of thing you ask a guy you just met.
SheldonI really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
SheldonEvent a - a beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event b - we drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend. Query - on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
LeonardShe asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
SheldonAh, yes. Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.
SheldonYou think with your penis.
LeonardThat's a biological impossibility. And you didn't have to come.
SheldonOh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watch Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can't she get her own TV?
LeonardCome on, you know how it is with breakups.
SheldonNo, I don't... and neither do you.
LeonardBut- I, I broke up with Joyce Kim.
SheldonYou did not break up with Joyce Kim. She defected to North Korea.
LeonardTo mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There's some kind of dispute between penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
SheldonSo, we get to have a scene with him?
LeonardNo, sheldon, there's not going to be a scene. There's two of us and one of him.
SheldonLeonard, the two of us can't even carry a TV.
Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.
Penny(to Raj) So, you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the university? (No response) Um, I'm sorry. Do you speak English?
HowardOh, he speaks English. He just can't speak to women.
HowardHe's kind of a nerd. Juice box?
Kurt's apartment building lobby.
LeonardI'll do the talking.
LeonardUh, hi, I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
LeonardLet's... (To Kurt) Uh, we're here to pick up Penny's TV.
SheldonOkay, thanks for you time.
LeonardWe're not going to give up just like that.
SheldonLeonard, the TV's in the building. We have been denied access to the building, ergo, we are done.
LeonardExcuse me. If I were to give up on the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the Big Bang.
SheldonMy apologies. What's your plan? (Leonard pulls the door violently) (Sarcastically) It's just a privilege to watch your mind at work.
LeonardCome on, we have a combined IQ of 360. We should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
[Two little girls buzz at the door, and someone lets them in]
SheldonWhat do you think their combined IQ is?
LeonardJust grab the door!
LeonardThis is it. I'll do the talking.
SheldonGood thinking. I'll just be the muscle.
Kurt(He is big) Yeah?
I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
SheldonFrom the intercom.
KurtHow the hell did you get in the building?
LeonardUh... we're scientists.
SheldonTell him about our IQ.
[The lobby. Leonard and Sheldon are not wearing their pants.]
SheldonMy mom bought me those pants.
SheldonYou're gonna have to call her.
The staircase of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.
LeonardSheldon, I am so sorry I dragged you through this.
SheldonIt's okay. It wasn't my first pantsing and it won't be my last.
LeonardAnd you were right about my motives. I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have someday led to sex.
SheldonWell, you got me out of my pants.
LeonardAnyway, I've learned my lesson. She's out of my league, I'm done with her. Got my work, one day I'll win the Nobel Prize and then I'll die alone.
SheldonDon't think like that. You're not going to die alone.
LeonardThank you, sheldon. You're a good friend.
SheldonAnd you're certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize.
The living room of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.
Howard(Showing Penny a computer game) This is one of my favorite places to kick back after a quest. They have a great house ale.
PennyWow, a cool tiger.
HowardYeah, I've had him since level ten. His name is buttons. Anyway, if you had your own game character we could hang out, maybe go on a quest.
HowardSo you'll think about it?
PennyOh, I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about it.
Raj(To Howard) Smooth.
PennyOh, my god, what happened?
Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory.
PennyI'm so sorry. I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn't be such an ass.
LeonardNo, it was a valid hypothesis.
SheldonThat was a valid hypo...? What is happening to you?
PennyReally... thank you so much for going and trying. (Hugs them) You're just... Oh, you're so terrific. Really. Why don't you get some clothes on, I'll get my purse, and dinner is on me, okay?
SheldonYou're not done with her, are you?
LeonardOur babies will be smart and beautiful.
SheldonNot to mention imaginary.
LeonardIs Thai food okay with you, Penny?
SheldonWe can't have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.
SheldonThey're both curry-based cuisines.
SheldonIt would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we're going to have to spell out everything for this girl.
PennyAny ideas, Raj? (No response)
HowardUh, turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke.
PennyThat sounds like fun.
Howard(Singing) Baby, baby, don't get hooked up on me / Oh, baby, baby, don't get hooked up on me...
Sheldon(To Leonard) I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable Mack Daddy.