{ick - used to express disgust} Central Perk. Everyone is there. MonicaTell him.
PhoebeTell him, tell him.
MonicaJust...please tell him.
RachelShut up!
ChandlerTell me what?
MonicaLook at you, you won't even look at him.
Chandler(sarcastically) Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won't look at me.
RachelAll right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were...
PhoebeDoing it on this table. (points at the table)
JoeyExcellent dream score.
RossWhy, why, why would you dream that?
ChandlerMore importantly, was I any good?
RachelWell, you were pretty damn any good.
ChandlerInteresting, cause in my dreams, I'm always surprisingly inadequate. (Monica pats him on his lap)
RachelWell, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.
RossI love it, when we share.
(Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.)
ChandlerYou ok there?
RossI can't believe you two had sex in her dream.
ChandlerI'm-I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and there was somebody else's subconscious.
Central Perk, continued from earlier, Chandler is sitting on the table. ChandlerHello Rachel.
RachelUh, Get off.
Phoebe(points at Joey's pen) Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?
JoeyI don't know. What're you wearing?
(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him)
RossPheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?
PhoebeJust for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.
ChandlerPirates again?
{915: Ross(shocked) Oh my God. Phoebe, you used to mug people?}
PhoebeNo, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummy. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop." And they are.
JoeyHey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.
Chandler(sarcastically) Thanks Joey, that's a good idea.
PhoebeWhat... I could, I could do it. What is it?
ChandlerWell, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs reduced. (Ross looks at him.) It's a whole big boob story.
PhoebeI could be a secretary.
ChandlerWell, you know Pheebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.
Phoebe(seriously)I could do that.
(Ross's beeper goes off)
RachelWhat are you playing with?
RossOh, it's my new beeper. 
JoeyWhat the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
MonicaIs it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, they're still extinct.'
RossNo, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.
ChandlerA cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.
MonicaAll right, I'll see you guys later. (raises)
RachelOff to see young Ethan?
MonicaThank you.
JoeyHow young is young Ethan? Young?
MonicaHe's... our age.
ChandlerWhen we were?
MonicaOk, he's a senior in college.
JoeyOh, rob that cradle.
MonicaWell, he's smart and-and mature and grown up.
RossMature and grown up? He's a big boy!
ChandlerAnd this man child has no problem with how old you are?
MonicaNo, of course not. It's not even an issue. 'Cause I told him I was 22.
MonicaOh, I can't pass for 22?
PhoebeWell, maybe 25-26.
MonicaI am 26.
PhoebeThere you go. Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing. ChandlerCan you hear that?
Phoebe(plays with a staple remover) Yeah?
ChandlerSee that'll stop when you pick up the phone.
PhoebeOh. Oh, I'm on. (picks up the phone)
Phoebe(With a deep voice) Mr. Bing's office. (Listens) No I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now.
ChandlerI'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Who.
PhoebeWill he know what this is in reference to? (Listens) And he has your number? (Listens) All right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye-bye.
PhoebeRoss says hi.
PhoebeThis is so fun. All right, what we do now?
ChandlerWell, now, I actually have to get to work.
Phoebe(playing with a Magic Eight Ball) Most likely. (raises and goes toward the door) Ok, I'm gonna be out there.
PhoebeAll right. Bye bye.
ChandlerBye bye.
(The intercom buzzes)
Chandler(answering it) Yes?
PhoebeWhatcha doing?
ChandlerOoh. (leans against the desk) Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows. MonicaOk. Windows are clean, candles are lit. Uh, belt's to tight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the fish? (goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner) No, 'cause I made lasagna. (to Rachel) Am I out of control?
RachelJust a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you've been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh.
RachelCould tonight be the Night?
MonicaI don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don't plan these things.
RachelOh. So you shaved your legs?
RachelA-ha! Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there. JoeyWould you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn't mean...
(Ross's beeper goes off)
RossOh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my God it's baby time. Baby time.
JoeyAll right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool.
(Ross dials a number on a cordless phone)
Ross(on phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. (pause) No, André is not here. (to Joey) Third time today. (on phone) Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I don't perform those kind of services.
JoeyServices? (Ross looks at him) Oh, services.
Ross(on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that's right. That's right, JUMBO with a U, sir. (pause) No, believe me, you don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment. (pause) All righty, bye-bye.
(Phoebe and Chandler enter)
JoeyHey, hey. How was the first day?
PhoebeOh, excellent. Everyone was so, so nice.
ChandlerSee, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me.
PhoebeNo, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you.
ChandlerWhy not?
PhoebeOh, because, you know... they don't like you.
PhoebeI thought you knew that.
ChandlerNa-ha. Who doesn't like me?
PhoebeEveryone. Except for uh... no, everyone.
ChandlerWhat are you talking about?
PhoebeDon't feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you're like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".
(Joey and Ross laughs)
ChandlerI can't believe it.
PhoebeYeah, yeah. They even do you.
ChandlerThey do me?
PhoebeYou know, like... uh ok... uh... 'Could that report BE any later?'
(Joey and Ross laughs)
ChandlerI don't sound like that.
RossOh, oh Chandler...
JoeyOh... Yeah, you do.
Ross'The hills were alive with the sound of music.' [lyrics]
(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs)
Joey(reaches for his scones) My scone.
Phoebe, Joey, and Ross'My scone.'
(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again)
ChandlerOk, I don't sound like that. That is so not true.
(Joey and Chandler laughs)
ChandlerThat is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up!
(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh) Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Young Ethan are sitting in the couch. MonicaYou did not.
EthanI am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.
MonicaHow was that possible?
EthanWell, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorized, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why do people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. I should go.
(They kiss)
MonicaUh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I'm going to, so...
EthanYeah, I, really like that.
(They kiss)
EthanUuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know.
MonicaOk, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'I'm secretly married to a goat?'
EthanWell it's somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I'm not uh..., well I, I mean I haven't ever uh...
MonicaAre you a virgin?
EthanWell, if that's what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am.
MonicaWow...I mean (laughs a little) you're just such a good kisser, I-I would never have known.
EthanOh well a-I have excelled in every level I've been to. I just..I just haven't been to that particular one yet. I uh, I've kinda been waiting for the right person.
EthanYeah. You do know I-I was talking about you, right?
(They kiss)
[Time lapse. They are now in Monica's bedroom, on the bed.]
MonicaYou keep saying that.
EthanYou know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practice it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.
(They kiss)
MonicaListen, Ethan, uh, you-you told me something that was really difficult for you. And well, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can too.
EthanOh God, don't tell me, I did it wrong.
MonicaNo no no. Nothing wrong about that.
MonicaUm, ok, here goes. I'm not 22. I'm, I'm 25... and thirteen months.
MonicaBut I figured, you know, that shouldn't change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are. I mean basically, I am nuts about you. You know, I knew it the first time we kissed and I had that tic tac under my tongue and you didn't even mention it.
EthanI just thought you were naturally mint.
(They kiss)
EthanUh, listen um, as long as we're telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I'm a little younger than I said.
MonicaYou're not a senior?
EthanOh, I'm a senior... in High School.
MonicaOk...ay. What we did was wrong. Oh God, I just had sex with someone that wasn't alive during the Bicentennial.
EthanI just had sex.
MonicaEthan, focus. How could you not tell me?
EthanWell, you never told me how old you were.
MonicaWell, that's different. My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?
EthanI wasn't thinking. I was too busy falling...
MonicaDon't say it. (closes Ethan's mouth with her hand)
Ethan...in love with you.
Ethan(nods) Sorry.
MonicaWell, fall out of it. You know, you shouldn't even be here; it's a school night. Oh God, oh God. I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins.
EthanWho? Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Monica is there. Ross(on phone) Ok, André should be there in like 45 minutes. (Listens) Uh, yes sir the kimonos are extra. All righty, bye bye. (to Phoebe) Just easier that way.
ChandlerOh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
RachelNo, forget it.
ChandlerOh, why not. Was I doing something particularly... saucy?
RachelAll right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. (Camera fades to Ross, who's listening very carefully) Joey was there too.
JoeyAll right. (Moves closer.)
RossWas there...uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there.
RossYou sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?
RachelNo, it was just the three of us.
JoeySo, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
Rachel(laughs) You know what?
RachelThere were times when it wasn't even me.
(Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each other then recoil in horror.)
PhoebeThat is so sweet, you guys. (hugs them)
(Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn't hear what the others say)
Ross, Rachel, and PhoebeHey, Mon.
RachelMon, Ethan called again. Mon?
All(shouting) Mon!
(Monica takes of her walkman)
RachelEthan called again.
RossAre you not seeing him anymore?
MonicaNo. You know, sometimes things just doesn't work out.
ChandlerAnd this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.
(Monica stares at Rachel)
RachelI, I didn't say any... I sw... I did not say anything, I swear. He stopped by.
JoeyUh listen, next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?
(Ross and Chandler laughs)
RossOh, yeah.
MonicaHa,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
Joey, Chander, and RossSorry.
RossIt's morphing time!
(They all cross their arms like the Power Rangers do)
PhoebeOoh, all right, I gotta go. (raises) Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. (sits down, and then raises again) Cool!
RachelWhere are you going?
PhoebeUm, oh, I got a birthday party, with some work people.
ChandlerWork people? Nobody told me.
PhoebeNo, I know. That's a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.
ChandlerYou know, I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, I mean, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person.
PhoebeWell, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.
ChandlerYou think I should?
PhoebeI really do, yeah.
PhoebeOh, but, um, can we not go together? I,I don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss.
(Monica walks back into the living room.)
RossKey, you ok?
RossYou know, this a-this can't be easy for him either.
MonicaI know.
RossI mean this may take some time for him to get over it, you know? But then at 4 uh, Muppet Babies is on. (Monica starts hitting him as both he and Joey laugh.) Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are taking a break. Chandler(throwing a cushioned football as he stands in his office) Walt go deep. Deep ! Deep!
Woman outsideOww!
ChandlerSorry Shelley. (closes the door) (to Phoebe) See with the fun? I think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory huh?
PhoebeYou were great. But they still made fun of you.
PhoebeYou know, now you're more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss," "Mr.", you know, "I'm one of you, Boss," "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing!"
ChandlerThen, I don't get it.
PhoebeWell, you know what Chandler? I think you, just gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss.
ChandlerThey do?
PhoebeUh huh. But they're not your friends anymore.
ChandlerBut I just want to...
PhoebeNo, but you can't.
ChandlerBut I just wa...
PhoebeUh uh. Central Perk. Everyone except Phoebe and Chandler is there. Ross's beeper goes off and everyone except him react. MonicaAren't you gonna...
RossOh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she's having a baby, otherwise I just, I just ignore it.
JoeyWhat about André?
RossOh, well this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.
MonicaHow's Nathan?
Aunt IrisHow is he ever? Now he thinks he's a man trapped in a woman's body.}
(Ethan enters)
MonicaThat was gonna be my opener.
Rachel(understands that Monica and Ethan want to be alone) Hey, did you guys check out those new hand-dryers in the bathroom?
RossI thought that was just a rumor.
RachelTrue story.
JoeyThey're here already?
(Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom)
EthanAll right, look. I gotta tell you something. I'm not 17. I only said that so you'd think I was cute and vulnerable. I'm actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, I'm your Congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we're great together. We can talk; we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, ok, I have no frame of reference, but I thought that was great.
MonicaIt was.
EthanThen, what's the problem?
MonicaEthan, it's um... it's icky.
EthanIcky? You're actually gonna throw this away because it's icky?
MonicaLook, this isn't easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or we lived in biblical times, I could really...
EthanNo, don't say it. (closes Monica's mouth with his hand)
Monica...love you.
(Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan aren't finished talking to each other yet.)
RossAre your hands still wet?
JoeyUh, moist, yeah.
RachelLet's dry them again.
(They go to the bathroom again)
A hall on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, and overhears some employee's conversation. One of them is doing Chandler. GerstonUh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? (They discover that Chandler is listening) Hey, Chandler.
SantosHello, Mr. Bing.
PetrieLoved your Stevie Wonder last night.
ChandlerThanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by nine o'clock.
GerstonNo problem.
(They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler)
ChandlerYou have to give them something, you know. Ok, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache?
ChandlerPetrie, right, right. Ok, well, some people are gonna be working this weekend. Monica and Rachel's, Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her. Rachel(talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh. (Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimics her silently) Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross!
(Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips almost immediately, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.)
RossI'm here.
RachelYou are. Well, um... We, we, we were just... Wow!
RossWhat? (his beeper goes off) Great, now I'm having a baby.
RossOoh, Ooh.
RossI'm having... I'm having a baby. (jumps back onto the table again) I'm having a... Where's the phone? The phone?
RachelI don't know where the phone is.
(Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor)
RossI'm hurt. The Hallway, Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get ready, to go to the hospital. RossMonica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in labor.
(Chandler struts out from his apartment)
Chandler(doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look what I've got going here.
RossYeah, save it for the cab, ok.
(Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands)
RossWhat're you doing? What're you doing? We're going to a hospital.
RachelWhat, so I can't look nice? There might be doctors there.
RossJoey, get out of the fridge.
JoeyAll right, all right. (he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand)
RossWhat is that? (referring to the sandwich)
JoeyFor the ride.
ChandlerOh yeah, like in a cab...
RossSave it.
ChandlerOk, hating this.
RossMonica, come on now. Let's go, baby coming. God.
(Monica enters from their apartment, crying)
MonicaI can't believe it, I'm gonna be an aunt. I'm gonna have like a nephew.
RossThat's nice. Get out. Let's go, come on.
MonicaOk, ok.
JoeyRight right, I'm going. I'm going.
(They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around, looking like his in a coma. The others also turns around to get him.)
ChandlerHere we go, here we go.
RachelRossy, Rossy.
JoeyCome on, come on.

Written by Alexa Junge; Transcribed by Mikael Hedberg; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp