A Restaurant. Monica and Mrs. Geller are finished having lunch. MonicaMother, all I am saying is just once can we go to lunch and not talk about what I'm wearing, or how I'm doing my hair, or where my career is going? (Mrs. Geller is about to say something but Monica abruptly interrupts)....or who I'm dating?
Waiter(walks up) Well are we ready for the check yet? (Monica and Mrs. Geller start disputing who is to pay for lunch.)
Mrs. GellerYes.
MonicaGod yes. I'll take it.
Mrs. GellerNo darling, don't be silly.
MonicaI said I'll take it. (Gives the waiter her credit card). Here, take it. Go. Run! (He takes off)
Mrs. GellerIt's very sweet. And what they pay you....
Monica(interrupts) Career! You don't have to worry about me. Ok? I'm doing fine.
(The waiter comes back with Monica's credit card)
WaiterI am afraid this's been denied.
MonicaWell, that's impossible.
Mrs. Geller(to Monica) That's all right dear. (to the waiter) Here you go. (happily gives the waiter her credit card) Monica and Rachel's, everyone is looking at papers. JoeyHow could someone get a hold of your credit card number?
MonicaI have no idea. But look how much they spent!
RachelMonica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.
MonicaStill, it's just such reckless spending.
RossI think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.
ChandlerWow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
MonicaThat's me.
ChandlerYou see when I say geek, I mean....oh the hell with it. You bought a $70 mop; you're a geek.
PhoebeOh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! (Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa)
RossMarcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- (Marcel runs toward Rachel's room) come here, Marcel-
RachelOh no no, not in my room! I'll get him.
MonicaRoss, you got to do something about the humping.
RossWhat? It's, it's just a phase.
ChandlerWell, that's what we said about Joey...
RossYou think you guys would be just a little more understanding. You know?
PhoebeI know, but we're not.
RossWould you all relax? It's not that big a deal.
Rachel(Out of shot) Marcel, stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!
RachelLet's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious. Monica and Rachel's, late at night Monica is still examining her bill as Rachel emerges from her room. RachelOh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.
MonicaThis woman's living my life.
MonicaShe's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets to plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes at stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.
MonicaI'm sorry, they just, they just look so good! And the saleswoman was looking at me like, "Oh, these are way too expensive for you."
ChandlerShe had a point. (Shows her the receipt.)}
RachelYou're not an artist.
MonicaYeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.
RachelOh, Monica, come on, you do cool things.
MonicaOh really? Ok, let's compare, shall we?
Rachel(Yawning) Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...
MonicaDo I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School?
Rachel(Yawning) Nooo...
MonicaNo. This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother. Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names. ChandlerHow about Joey... Pepponi?
JoeyNo, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
ChandlerJoey... Switzerland?
(The waitress brings their coffee.)
JoeyPlus, you know, I think it should be Joe. You know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I don't know, this big. (Waitress looks at him funny) Which I'm not.
JoeyStalin...Stalin...do I know that name? That sounds familiar.
ChandlerWell, it does not ring a bell with me. But uh, you're more plugged into that whole show business thing.
Joey(Writes it down) Joe Stalin. You know, that's pretty good.
ChandlerYou might wanna try Joseph.
(Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down. Chandler is shocked. )
JoeyJoseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!
ChandlerOh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof. Monica and Rachel's, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter. RachelHey.
MonicaHi. (On the phone) Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were. Oh, I've had a recent head injury and certain numbers and dates... (shouts for no reason) Barbeque! (Listens) Oh did I? See, there you go.
PhoebeWhat are you doing?
Monica(Hushes her) All right, great. Thanks a lot. (Hangs up) I'm going to tap class.
RachelWhat, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card?
MonicaI wanna see what she looks like.
RachelWell then just go to the post office! I'm sure they got her picture up!
MonicaThis women has got my life, I should get to see who she is.
RachelOk, Monica, you know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing.
PhoebeThis is madness. It's madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don't do it!! ...Thank you. A Tap Class, the girls are standing at the door. MonicaWhat do you think?
PhoebeLots of things.
(They go in and sit down.)
RachelWhich one do you think she is?
(The teacher comes up to them.)
TeacherMay I help you?
MonicaOh, no thanks, we're just here to observe.
TeacherYou don't observe a dance class. You dance, a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.
RachelWhat does she mean?
PhoebeI think she means (Imitates) 'You dance, a dance class'. Oh, come on, come on. (They put on some spare shoes)
MonicaOk, do you see anybody you think could be me?
Teacher(To the class) People! Last time there were some empty yogurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again!
RachelShe could be you.
(Music starts)
TeacherLet's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight...
(Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders)
MonicaOk, I'm not getting this!
Phoebe(Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I'm totally getting it!
MonicaDid you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated?
(Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class)
RachelWhat? You just click when they click.
TeacherAll right people, now everyone grab a partner.
(The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it)
PhoebeOk. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel.
MonicaGreat. It's gym class all over again.
Phoebe and RachelAww.
TeacherWell that's all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me.
MonicaWhy don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare.
(She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in)
WomanIt's ok, it's ok, I'm here, I'm here. I'm so sorry I'm late, ok, here I am. Who's the new tense girl?
TeacherShe's your partner.
WomanHi. I'm Monica.
MonicaOh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana.
Woman(Fake Monica) Monana?
MonicaYeah. It's Dutch.
Fake MonicaYou're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. (Asks her something in Dutch)
MonicaUm, Pennsylvania Dutch.
TeacherAnd we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight... Central Perk, Ross is entering. Ross(Mortified) Hi.
Chandler and JoeyHey.
JoeyWhere've you been?
RossI just got back from the vet.
ChandlerShe's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?
RossShe says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.
Joey(To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya.
RossShe says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting aggressive and violent.
ChandlerSo what does this mean?
RossAnd I have to give him up. Central Perk, scene continued from earlier. They guys are sitting there like the Three Monkeys. Chandler: Speak no evil; Ross: Hear no evil; Joey: See no evil. JoeyI can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!
ChandlerI don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?
RossI know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg.
JoeyIsn't there any way you can keep him?
RossNo, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey loving, he's just gonna get vicious. You know, I've-I've just gotta get him into a zoo.
JoeyHow do you get a monkey into a zoo?
ChandlerI know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.
RossWell, we're applying to a lot of them. And naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, you know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, you know, he's out-of-state. Uh, my-my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so-so that's a possibility.
ChandlerYeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo.
(Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.)
PhoebeHey. We found her, we found the girl.
JoeyDid you call the cops?
RachelNope. We took her to lunch.
ChandlerAh. Your own brand of vigilante justice.
RossWhat?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She-she stole. She's a stealer.
MonicaYou know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this, with this amazing spirit.
RossYeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.
Chandler...take off their hats!
PhoebePopes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke. Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel and Fake Monica are there. RachelNo way. No way did you do this.
Fake MonicaMonana was very brave.
MonicaIt was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!
Fake MonicaSo when they caught on to the fact that we're, you know, short and have breasts...
Monica...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!
RachelGo Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. (Exits)
Fake MonicaOh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show.
MonicaExcuse me?
Fake MonicaThere's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. What do you say?
MonicaNo no no no no no. Remember who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class.
Fake MonicaWell, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background.
Fake MonicaWell, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?
MonicaRight. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.
Fake MonicaI-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society?
Fake MonicaI thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.' And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
MonicaWow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire. Monica and Rachel's, time lapse. Everyone but Joey and Monica are there. Ross(Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn't get into Scranton. (To the others) That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him.
PhoebeI'd say that chair's taking the brunt of it. (Marcel is humping the chair.)
RossMarcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him?
RachelOh, somebody will.
Joey(entering) You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?
ChandlerYou're kidding.
JoeyApparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You think you would've known that!
ChandlerYou know, you'd think I would've. Hey how about Joey Heatherton?
JoeyCome on. Seriously. I told you I don't wanna go back to Joey. Phoebe. What do you think a good stage name for me would be?
Phoebe...Flame Boy. Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper. RossWhere exactly is your zoo?
Dr. BaldharaWell, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?
Dr. BaldharaUh does he, uh, fight with other animals?
RossNo-no, he's, he's very docile.
Dr. BaldharaEven if he were... cornered?
RossWell I, I don't know. Why?
Dr. BaldharaUh, how is he at handling small objects?
RossHe can hold a banana, if that's what you mean...
Dr. BaldharaWhat about a hammer, or a small blade?
RossWhy- why- why would he need a blade?
Dr. BaldharaWell, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel.
(Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel)
Chandler and JoeyHe- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.
JoeyWe, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was- was ringing...
Chandler...He's in.
RossHe's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? Oh, in San Diego. San Diego!
Dr. BaldharaYou're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gate. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk. MonicaYo- hooo!
RachelWhere the hell have you been?
MonicaMonica and I just crashed an embassy party. I think I kissed an archbishop. But it of course, could've been a chef.
RachelAre you drunk?!
MonicaNoooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I'm lying. I am so drunk.
RachelOh God, oh. Great, Monica, you know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried...
(Monica is drinking from the tap)
RachelMonica? Monica!
MonicaWater rules!
RachelYes, yes, it does. Ok, look, the restaurant called again today, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work?
MonicaNope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.
RachelOk Monica, what're you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you!
MonicaNo, it is me! You know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! You know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana!
(The phone rings and Rachel answers)
RachelHello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people.
MonicaHelloooo? Yes. Oh my God. Thanks.
MonicaThey've arrested Monica. New York City Department of Correction, Monica is visiting Fake Monica. MonicaHi.
Fake MonicaHey.
MonicaHow are you?
Fake MonicaI'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my color. How-how did you know I was here?
MonicaBecause... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.
Fake MonicaThat I was not expecting.
MonicaI want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in.
Fake MonicaOh. Thanks.
MonicaNo, thank you! 'Cause you have given me so much! I mean, if-if it wasn't for you, I would never 've gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Winter Garden Theatre!
Fake MonicaWell, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'.
MonicaI just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?
Fake MonicaMonica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?
MonicaWell, not... worried, you know, just... wondering.
Fake MonicaThere's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are.
MonicaNot necessarily...
Fake MonicaYes necessarily! I mean, I don't know what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing.
MonicaUm, I'm not actually Amish.
Fake MonicaReally? Then why are you like that? Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door. TeacherYou by the door. In or out?
MonicaIn. (She joins in the dancing. She still flounders)
TeacherYou in the back, you're getting it all wrong!
MonicaBut at least I'm doing it! The Airport, everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel. PA (public address (system))This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.
PhoebeOk. Goodbye, little monkey guy. All right, I wrote you this poem. Ok, but don't eat it till you get on the plane.
RossAww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.
ChandlerOk, bye, chap. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn.
JoeyI don't know what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.
RossJust, just say what you feel, Joey.
JoeyMarcel, I'm hungry.
RossThat was good.
Rachel(Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, you know, something to, um, do on the plane.
RossUh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him.
AllOh, sure. Of course. Absolutely. (They just stand there, then realize what he means and go to the other end of the room)
RossMarcel, come here, come here, come here. (He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him) Well buddy, this is it. There's just a couple of things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be- (Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg) Ok, Marcel, Marcel, would you leave my leg alone? Would you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Wou-, Marcel, Wou- ok, just take him away. Just take him. [You're a Big Boy Now]
(Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.) A Theater, there is a casting session going on for a play. Actor(Very melodramatically, and very badly) Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek...
Casting Director No. 1That's fine, thank you.
Casting Director No. 2Next. (Joey walks onstage)
JoeyHi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.
Casting Director No. 2Name?
JoeyHolden McGroin.

Written by Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider; Transcribed by guineapig; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp