The whole gang is helping Rachel mail out resumes while whistling the theme from The Bridge on the River Kwai. RossUh, Rachel, running low on resumes over here.
MonicaDo you really want a job with Popular Mechanics?
ChandlerWell, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for.
RachelHey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything here, OK? I cannot be a waitress anymore, I mean it. I'm sick of the lousy tips, I'm sick of being called 'Excuse me...'
(Phoebe is licking an envelope)
PhoebeOw-Ow paper cut, paper cut.
Joey(hands her a glass of juice) Here, here, here.
Phoebe(in pain) Grapefruit juice, grapefruit juice!
RachelOk you guys, we are almost done. We've only got 20 more to go.
RossRach, did you proofread these?
RachelUh... yeah, why?
RossUh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills.
Rachel(upset) Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
JoeyOh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.
(The gang starts whistling the song again and working backwards with them unpacking the envelopes and Ross crumpling one of the resumes.) Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are sitting at a table. Rachel is working. ChandlerYou know, I know they call this a Love Seat, but I'm not really feeling anything special towards you.
(Ross rolls up his newspaper and hits Chandler on the head.)
[Monica and Phoebe enter.]
MonicaHey, guys.
Chandler and RossHey.
RachelHey... hi, ladies... uh, can I get you anything? (to Monica, quietly) Did you bring the mail?
MonicaLots of responses.
Rachel(to Monica) Really? (out loud) Sure, we have scones left! (to Monica) OK, read them to me.
Phoebe(reading) Dear Ms. Green, thank you for your inquiry, however... oh... (crumples up letter)
Rachel(out loud) We have apple cinnamon...
Monica(reading) OK... Dear Ms. Green... yeah... yeah... yeah... No. (crumples up letter)
PhoebeWow!
RachelWhat?
Phoebe(reading) Your Visa bill is huge!
Rachel(grabs the bill) Give me that!
(Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.)
ChandlerYou know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again?
RossI don't know.
ChandlerIs this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing?
RossNo, it's not just that. It's just - I want someone who... who does something for me, you know? Who gets my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh... (begins to stare lovingly at Rachel)
Chandler...little playthings with yarn?
RossWhat?
ChandlerCould you want her more?
RossWho?
Chandler(sarcastically) Who. Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening.
RossI-. Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I just... (Rachel comes over, Ross lays head on table) Hiiii!
RachelHi! How are you?
RossWe're fine, we're fine. 
RachelOK. (walks away)
(Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.)
JoeyShut up!
ChandlerWe're not-we're not saying anything.
PhoebeWhat?
RossUhhhh... Joey cried last night.
JoeyThank you.
Chandler(to the girls) We were playing poker, alright...
JoeyThere was chocolate on the three. It looked like an eight, alright?
RossOh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read em and weep.'
ChandlerAnd then he did.
RachelWell, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us?
PhoebeYeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play?
RossNo, women are welcome to play.
PhoebeOh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind of... you know, like, like... some kind of, you know, like... alright, what is it?
ChandlerThere just don't happen to be any women in our games.
JoeyYeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.
GirlsOh, yeah, right.
MonicaOh, please, that is such a lame excuse!
RachelReally.
MonicaI mean, it's-it's a typical guy response.
RossExcuse me, do any of you know how to play?
GirlsNo.
RachelBut you could teach us.
GuysNo. Monica and Rachel's, the guys are teaching the girls how to play poker. Chandler(teaching) OK, so now we draw cards.
MonicaSo I wouldn't need any, right? 'Cause I have a straight.
RachelOh, good for you!
PhoebeCongratulations!
(Microwave timer goes off. Monica gets up.)
ChandlerOK Pheebs, how many do you want?
PhoebeOK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs.
RossNo. Uh, Pheebs? You can't- you can't do...
RachelOh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here! (gives it to Phoebe)
RossNo, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do that.
RachelOh, no-no-no-no-no-no, that's OK, that's OK, I don't need them. I'm going for fours.
RossOh, you're going, you're going for fours... (gives up) Uh Chandler, could you (points to a newspaper)
ChandlerYeah. (Hits Ross on the head with the folded newspaper)
RossThanks man.
(Monica comes back to the table with plates of food.)
MonicaAlright, here we go. We've got salmon rillettes and assorted crudités.
Phoebe and RachelOOooooo!
JoeyWhoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doing? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or pretz...(look of realization)
MonicaWell I hope you'll let it slide just this once, you see I was all out of Pretz.
Chandler(changing subject) OK, so at this point, the dealer...
MonicaAlright, you know, we got it, we got it. Let's play for real. High stakes... big bucks...
RossAlright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy...
PhoebeBut... I'm ready, so, just deal.
ChandlerOK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson. (holds up two cards) Joey... three... eight. Eight... three. (Joey is unamused) Alright, there you go.
(Time lapse.)
Monica(throws down her cards) Damm it, damm it, damm it!
ChandlerSee Monica, Joey had two 5 showings. So for you to raise..
MonicaYes?
ChandlerDownright gutsy.
Phoebe(to Joey) Oh I see, so then, uh, you were lying.
JoeyAbout what?
PhoebeAbout how good your cards were.
JoeyHeh... I was bluffing.
PhoebeA-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying?
RachelOK, sorry to break up this party, but I've gotta go fax the resumes before work... (gets up to leave)
GuysWhoa, whoa, whoa!
ChandlerRach, Rach, we gotta settle.
RachelSettle what?
ChandlerThe... Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, King George is giving us the land, so...
RossThe game, Rachel, the game. You owe us money for the game.
RachelOh. Right.
JoeyYou know what, you guys? It's their first time, why don't we just forget about the money, alright?
MonicaHell no, we'll pay!
PhoebeOK, Monica? I had another answer all ready.
MonicaAnd you know what? We want a rematch.
RossWell that's fine with me. Could use the money.
RachelOh, you really are enjoying this aren't you?
RossWell, yeah, aw, yeah. RachelSo basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends.
Ross(pause) Yeah.
ChandlerYes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.
RossLook, Rachel, this is poker. I play, to win, alright? In order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're gonna play poker with me, don't expect me to be a 'nice guy,' OK? 'Cause once those cards are dealt... (claps hands three times)
Joey(Pause) Yeah?
RossI'm not a nice guy. Ross' apartment. Chandler and Joey are there. Ross enters with a pizza. RossAlright boys, let's eat.
ChandlerOh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel' pizzeria?
RossYou still on that?
ChandlerOh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bart speech? (mimicking): "When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy!"
{I've labored long and hard for bread,
For honor, and for riches,
But on my corns too long you've tread,
You mother fucking hedgers.
—Black Bart, 1877}
RossYou are way off, pal.
JoeyNo, I don't think so, see Ross, because I think you love her.
RossUm.... no. See, I might've had feelings for her at one time - not any more. I just - I...
(Marcel makes a screeching noise in background.)
RossMarcel! Where're you going with that disc?
(Marcel puts a CD in the player.)
RossYou are not putting that on again! Marcel, OK - if you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble.
(The Lion Sleeps Tonight starts to play. The guys stand there for a minute with the pizza and beer in their hands and suddenly start dancing to the song.) Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Rachel(opening mail) Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
MonicaYeah, I know. He can get really competitive.
PhoebeHa. Ha-ha.
MonicaWhat?
PhoebeOh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black.
MonicaPlease! I am not as bad as Ross.
RachelOh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary incident?
MonicaThat was not an incident! I-I was gesturing, and-and the plate slipped out of my hand.
RachelOooooh. (reads letter) (surprised) Oh! I got an interview! I got an interview!
MonicaYou're kidding! Where?
Rachel(in disbelief) Sak's... Fifth... Avenue.
MonicaOh, Rachel!
PhoebeOh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home.
MonicaWell, what's the job?
RachelAssistant buyer. Oh! I would be shopping... for a living!
(Knock on door.)
MonicaOK, look. That is Aunt Iris. This woman has been playing poker since she was five. You gotta listen to every word she says. (opens door) Hi!
Aunt IrisIs Tony Randall dead?
RachelNo.
MonicaI don't think so.
RachelWhy?
Aunt IrisWell, he may be now, because I think I hit him with my car.
MonicaWhat?
RachelOh my God!
MonicaReally?
Aunt IrisNo! That's bluffing. Lesson number one. (walks into kitchen) Let me tell you something... everything you hear at a poker game is pure crap. (to Phoebe) Nice earrings.
PhoebeThank you... (thinks about it)
Aunt IrisGirls, sit down.
MonicaUh, Aunt Iris? This is Phoebe, and that's Rachel...
Aunt IrisYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I am parked at a meter. Let's do it. Ready? All right. (starts dealing out the cards) We're gonna start with a little five-card draw and then we'll go into the studs, and the hold-ems. (To Monica) And I talked to your cousin, Nathan, yesterday AH! (To Rachel). Don't ever touch your cards when somebody's dealing.
(Phoebe and Rachel slowly put their hands under the table and sit there watching Aunt Iris deal the rest of the cards.)
MonicaHow's Nathan?
Aunt IrisHow is he ever? Now he thinks he's a man trapped in a woman's body.
RachelDon't you mean he thinks he's a woman trapped in a man's body?
Aunt IrisIt should be so simple. Ross's apartment, everyone but Rachel is seated around his table. The Lion Sleep Tonight plays in the background. PhoebeRoss, could we please, please, please listen to anything else?
RossAlright.
(Ross shuts off the CD player. Marcel runs into the bedroom and slams the door.)
RossI'm gonna pay for that tonight.
(Knock on door. Ross opens it. Rachel enters.)
RachelHi!
RossHey.
RachelGuys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what!
ChandlerUm, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?
RachelNoooo... the interview! Unbelievable! She loved me! She absolutely loved me. We talked for like two and a half hours, we have the same taste in clothes, and- oh, I went to camp with her cousin... And, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well!
AllThat's great! That's wonderful!
RachelOh God, oh, and then she told the funniest story...
MonicaOK, great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh. Let's play poker.
JoeyAlright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, and if you don't wanna play, we completely understand.
ChandlerOh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like, uh, I don't know... Pictionary?
(The guys all duck under the table.)
MonicaHa, ha, very funny, very funny. But I think we'd like to give poker another try. Shall we, ladies?
Phoebe and RachelYes, we should. I think we should.
RossUh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle those?
RachelNo, no, that's OK. you know, I think I'm gonna give it a go.
RossAlright.
RachelAlright... (shuffles cards expertly, all the guys stare in amazement) Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier. RossSo, Pheebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10, and Rachel, you owe fifteen big ones.
JoeyAnd hey, thanks for teaching us Cross-Eyed Mary. You guys, we gotta play that at our regular game.
PhoebeAlright, here's my $7.50. (Hands them the money) But I think you should know that this money is cursed.
JoeyWhat?
PhoebeOh, I cursed it. So now bad things will happen to he who spends it.
ChandlerThat's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way I can split them up with a movie.
RossSo, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen...
RachelCould you be any smugger?
RossHuh..let's see..um..say Rach I am opening up a new art gallery and I could sure use portraits of Lincoln and Hamilton. (in reference to their portraits on the bills)
RachelMmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to win money to exert my power over women. (hands over her money)
MonicaYou know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.
RachelHmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon. Monica and Rachel's, the girls are discussing their loss to the boys at last night's poker game to Aunt Iris. Aunt IrisI can't believe you lost. How much did they take from you?
RachelI don't know, like 30 bucks.
PhoebeYeah.
Aunt IrisYou know what I am gonna do? I'm gonna give you that money back.
GirlsReally?
Aunt IrisNo I am bluffing! You guys haven't learned CRAP! (sits down) Hand me the cards!
(Phoebe is about to pick up the cards.)
PhoebeCan I?
Aunt IrisYes. Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there ready for another poker game. RossSo, you gals wanna hand over your money now? That way, we don't have to go through the formality of actually playing.
RachelOoooh, that's fine. We'll see who has the last laugh there, monkey boy.
MonicaOK, we done with the chit-chat? Are we ready to play some serious poker?
Phoebe(holding a card and waving it in front of her face) Hey you guys, look, the one-eyed Jack follows me wherever I go. (they look at her) Right, OK, serious poker.
JoeyHey Mon, you get any more of those-those salmon things?
MonicaDo you wanna eat or do you wanna play poker?
(Ross gets up from the table.)
MonicaExcuse me, where are you going?
RossUh... to the bathroom.
MonicaDo you wanna go to the bathroom, or do you wanna play poker?
RossI wanna go to the bathroom. (exits)
JoeyAlright, well, I'm gonna order a pizza. (gets up)
RachelOh no-no-no-no-no, I'm still waiting to hear from that job and the store closes at nine, so you can eat then.
JoeyThat's fine. I'll just have a Tic-Tac to hold me over.
MonicaAlright, Cincinnati, no blinds, everybody ante. (deals cards)
Phoebe(looks at her cards) Yes! (everyone looks at her) .... or no.
(Ross comes back from bathroom.)
RossAlright. (to Rachel) Your money's mine, Green.
RachelYour fly is open, Geller. (he checks it, and zips up)
(Time lapse.)
PhoebeYou guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?
ChandlerHey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'!
JoeyUh... Phoebe? Phoebe?
PhoebeYeah. Um... I'm out. (throws in cards)
RachelI'm in.
MonicaMe too.
JoeyMe too. Alright, what'd you got.
RossWell, you better hop outta the shower, cause... I got a flush. (lays down cards)
RachelWell, well, well, hop back in bucko, 'cause I got four sixes! (lays down cards) I got four sixes, I won! I actually won! Oh my! you know what? (collects chips) I think I'm gonna make a little Ross pile. (holds up a chip) Yeah oh look, I think that one was Ross's, and I think oh that one was Ross's. Yes! (Starts singing) Well, I have got your money, and you'll never see it...
(Ross stands up.)
RachelAnd your fly's still open...
(Ross looks down.)
RachelHa, I made you look....
(Time lapse.)
RachelI couldn't be inner. Monica?
PhoebeMonica, in or out?
Monica(slams down cards) I hate this game!
(Joey slides a plate away from Monica towards Chandler, who hides it under the table.)
PhoebeOK Joey, your bet.
JoeyAhhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. (the girls look at him, confused) Oh, I'm out.
PhoebeRoss?
RossOh, I am very in.
PhoebeChandler?
ChandlerCouldn't be more out. (throws in cards)
PhoebeMe too. Rachel.
RachelUh, I will see you... and I'll raise you. (throws chips in pot) What do you say... you wanna waste another buck?
RossNo, not this time. (he folds) So... what'd you have?
RachelI'm not telling. (collects chips)
RossCome on, show 'em to me. (reaches for her cards, Rachel covers them up)
RachelNo..!
RossShow them to me!
RachelGet your hands out of there! No!
RossLet me see! Show them!
Chandleryou know, I've had dates like this.
Rachel(deals new hand) Boy, you really can't stand to lose, can you? Your whole face is getting red... little veins popping out on your temple...
PhoebePlus that shirt doesn't really match those pants.
(Ross is visibly upset.)
RossFirst of all, I'm not losing...
RachelOh, you are losing. Definitely losing. (phone rings)
RossLet's not talk about losing. Just deal the...
Rachel(answering phone) Hel-lo, Rachel Green.
Ross(mimicking Rachel) Mee mee, mee-mee mee.
Rachel(on phone) Excuse me. (covers up phone; to Ross) About the job. (Rachel walks into kitchen to talk on the phone.) Barbara! Hi, how are you? (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) No, I understand. Yeah. Oh, oh, come on, no, I'm fine. Don't be silly. Yeah... oh, but you know, if-if anything else opens up, plea- Hello? Hello? (hangs up phone, very depressed)
(Rachel goes back and sits down. The rest don't know what to say.)
MonicaSorry, Rach.
PhoebeYou know, there's gonna be lots of other stuff.
RachelYeah...(sigh)....OK. Where were we? Oh, OK... five card draw, uh... jacks or better... nothing wild, everybody ante.
JoeyLook, Rach, we don't have to do this.
RachelYes, we do. (pause)
MonicaAlright, check.
JoeyCheck.
RossI'm in for fifty cents. (throws it in)
ChandlerCall.
PhoebeI'm in.
RachelI see your fifty cents... and I raise you... five dollars. (throws it in)
RossI thought, uh... it was a fifty cent limit.
RachelWell, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem with that?
(Everyone says no and folds, except for Ross, who thinks about it.)
Rachel(to Ross) Loser?
(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their chairs away from the table.)
RossNo, I fold. (lays cards down, and gets up)
RachelWhat do you mean, you fold? Hey, come on! What is this? I thought that 'once the cards were dealt, I'm not a nice guy.' I mean, what, were you just full of it?
(Ross thinks it over, finally sits down and picks up his cards.)
RossI'm in. (throws in chips)
RachelHow many you want?
RossOne. (Rachel gives him the card.)
RachelDealer takes two. (she deals herself two cards) What do you bet?
RossI bet two dollars. (throws it in)
RachelOK... see your two... and I raise you twenty. (throws it in)
(The other four look amazed at the large pot.)
RossI see your twenty, raise you twenty-five. (throws it in)
RachelSee your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica, get my purse.
(Monica gets up, looks in Rachel's purse.)
MonicaRachel, there's nothing in it.
RachelOK, then get me your purse.
(Monica gets Rachel her purse.)
MonicaOK, here you go. Good luck.
Rachel(to Monica) Thank you. (to Ross) I saw your twenty-five, and I raise you... seven.
Phoebe...teen! (throws in a ten-dollar bill)
(Ross looks in his wallet, pulls out two dollars.)
Ross(to Joey) Joey, I'm a little shy.
JoeyThat's OK, Ross, you can ask me. What?
(Ross looks at Joey, dumbfounded at his stupidity.)
Chandler(to Ross) What do you need, what do you need?
RossFifteen.
ChandlerAlright, here's ten. (gives it to him)
JoeyHere, I got five, I got five. (Ross takes the money)
RossThank you.
ChandlerGood luck.
Ross(to Rachel) OK, I am calling your seventeen. What you got?
(Long pause as they both look at each other.)
Rachel(lays down cards) Full house.
(Ross stares at her. Thinks about it. Puts cards on table, face down.)
RossYou got me.
(Monica and Phoebe get up and start celebrating in the kitchen, pouring wine and singing. Rachel, shocked, goes to join them.)
Joey(to Ross) Ahhh, that's alright. you know, that's a tough hand to beat.
Chandler(to Ross) I thought we had them!
RossOh, well, when you don't have the cards, you don't have the cards, you know. (looks at Rachel) But, uh... look how happy she is. (smiles)
(Chandler and Joey look at her, and then look back at him. They dive for Ross's hand to see what he had, and he tries to stop them from looking.) Monica and Rachel's, all six are playing Pictionary at Monica's apartment. Monica is drawing a picture, and the three guys are guessing. She draws what looks like an airplane. ChandlerAirplane! Airport! Airport '75! Airport '77! Airport '79!
(Timer goes off.)
RachelOh, time's up.
Monica(pointing at the drawing, upset) Bye... bye... BIRDIE.
JoeyOh!
PhoebeThat's a bird?
(Monica glares at Phoebe.)
PhoebeThat's a bird! {Based on this play? Based on this play! Got the keys? Got the keys.}
(Monica sits, Rachel gets up.)
RachelOK, OK, it's my turn. (reads the answer)
ChandlerGo.
(Rachel starts drawing what looks like a bean.)
RossUh.... bean! Bean!
(Rachel begins tapping the picture of the bean frantically.)
Joey(triumphantly) The Unbearable Likeness of Bean!
RachelYes!
MonicaThat, you get? That, you get?
(Monica picks up a glass to take a drink, everyone ducks as though she was about to throw it.)

Written by Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz; Transcribed by Dan Silverstein; Special thanks to Nancy Brown; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp