{stoned - greatly affected by a drug such as cannabis} Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey, Ross, and Monica their drinks. Rachel(to Joey) Coffee. (Hands it to him.)
JoeyThank you.
Rachel(to Ross) Cappuccino. (Hands it to him.)
RachelAnd a nice hot cider for Monica. (Hands it to her.)
MonicaAww, thank you. (Notices something.) Uh Rach?
MonicaWhy does my cinnamon stick have an eraser?
RachelOh! That's why. (Rachel checks behind her ear, and finds a cinamon stick.) Sorry!
(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and Monica puts her cup down in disgust.) Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data into his computer, he keeps typing even while taking a drink of coffee with one hand. One of his co-workers walks by. WomanChandler.
ChandlerMrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. May I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you.
Mrs. TedlockYes. Well, Mr. Kostelick would like you to stop by his office at the end of the day.
ChandlerOh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, (Tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. And frankly,those shenanigans have no place in an office environment. Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly. PhoebeHey you guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, let's all act like, you know...
(Chandler comes in.)
PhoebeOk, never mind. But it was gonna be really good.
RossWhat's going on?
AllWhat is it?
ChandlerSo, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and Big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.
AllThat is great!
ChandlerSo.... I quit.
ChandlerWhy? This was supposed to be a temp job!
MonicaYeah, Chandler... you've been there for five years.
ChandlerIf I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.
JoeyOh man, does that mean we gotta start buying our own toilet paper?
Ross(Pretending like he's an announcer) That was Joey Tribbiani with the big picture. Dan?
MonicaSo was it a lot more money?
ChandlerIt doesn't matter. I just don't wanna be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.
(Everyone looks at him, confused.)
RachelThe... the WENUS?
ChandlerWeekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. It's a processing term.
Rachel(sarcastic) Oh. That WENUS.
JoeySo what're you gonna do?
ChandlerI don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I wanna do. I just know I'm not gonna figure it out working there.
PhoebeOooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client... Steve? (pause) Anyway, uh, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef.
Monica(taps Phoebe on her shoulder) Um... hi there.
PhoebeHi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....
ChandlerYeah... I just don't have a lot of cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.
Phoebe(to Monica's tapping) Yeah, yeah!
MonicaWell, what kind of food is he looking for?
PhoebeWell, he wants to do some eclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create entire menu.
Monica(excited) Oh my God!
PhoebeYeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So, what do you think? 
ChandlerThanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.
PhoebeOK. (pause) Oh Monica! Guess what. Monica and Rachel's, Everybody is there, minus Chandler, watching a Caber toss game on TV. Announcer on TVA big run-up and...there he goes. A perfect caber throw-
RossYou watch something like this and you realize why evolution is just a theory.
[Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]
ChandlerCan you see my nipples through this shirt?
RachelNo. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.
PhoebeWhere are you going, Mr. Suity-Man?
ChandlerWell, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the "a-gogo."
RachelCareer counselor?
ChandlerHey, you guys all know what you wanna do.
RachelI don't!
ChandlerHey, you guys in the living room all know what you wanna do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
RossAh, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.
(Monica enters, excited.)
MonicaOh, I love my life, I love my life!
PhoebeOoh! Brian's Song!
RachelThe meeting with the guy went great?
MonicaSo great! He showed me where the restaurant's gonna be. It's this, it's this cute little place on 10th Street. It's not too big, it's not too small. It's just right.
ChandlerWas it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?
MonicaSo anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kinda like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which'll be great for me because then you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises.
RachelWhat are you gonna make?
Phoebe(as though Rachel wasn't paying attention.) Yummy noises.
Rachel(pause) And Monica, what are you gonna make?
MonicaYou know, I don't know. I don't know. It's just gonna be so great!
PhoebeOoh! I know what you could make! (runs over to join Monica and Rachel in the kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? (Monica doesn't know.) You know, that thing... with-with the stuff? OK, I don't know. (sits down)
RossHey you guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
JoeyEhh, how about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
RossOK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?
ChandlerWho are you going out with?
PhoebeOh, is this the bug lady?
Rachel(trying to sound like a bug) Bzzzz.... I love you, Ross.
RossHer name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum.
RachelSo what are you guys gonna do?
RossOh, I just thought we'd go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.
ChandlerAnd he's not speaking metaphorically.
Joey(aside to Ross) So.... back to your place...you thinking, maybe... (gestures with hands, back and forth) huh-huh?
RossWell, I don't know.... (gestures) huh-huh.... I mean, I'm hoping (gestures) huh-huh.
JoeyI'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's gonna take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal. Ross's apartment, Marcel is hanging from Celia's hair, and she is screaming, trying to get him off. RossCelia, don't worry! Don't scream! See, it's not gonna hurt you! Soothing tones, Celia. Soothing tones! Ok, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Here-here, Marcel, Marcel, na-na-na (Tries to distract Marcel with a banana)
CeliaI can't stand this! He's got his claws on my...
RossYeah, Alright... (lifts Marcel away) Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having everyone try it. Monica(to Joey) OK, try this salmon mousse.
Joey(tasting) Mmmm. Good.
MonicaYeah? Is it better than the other salmon mousse?
JoeyIt's creamier.
MonicaYeah, well, is that better?
JoeyI don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, you know?
(Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks beat.)
RachelMy God! What happened to you?
ChandlerEight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."
PhoebeThat's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that!
ChandlerCan you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing something...something.
Rachel(comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!
Monica(brings a plate of tiny appetizers over) Here you go, maybe this'll cheer you up.
ChandlerOoh, you know, um, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you.
MonicaIt's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amuse-bouche.
Chandler(tastes it) Well.... it is amu-zing...
(Phone rings. Monica answers it.)
Monica(on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Wendy! (Listens) Yeah, eight o'clock. (Listens) Wh-what do we say? Ten dollars an hour?... (Listens) OK, great. (Listens) All right, I'll see you then. Bye. (hangs up)
PhoebeTen dollars an hour for what?
MonicaOh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'd help me out.
Rachel(hurt) Waitressing?
MonicaWell... 'course I thought of you! But... but...
RachelBut, but?
MonicaBut, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know? And-and, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress.
RachelOh, I see. Yes, I'd sorta 've been maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics.
ChandlerYou know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. Took home a bronze. (dead silence) Amuse-bouche? (holds out tray)
Ross' apartment, "Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon" is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately. {Girl, you'll be a woman... soon
I love you so much, can't count all the ways
I've died for you girl and all they can say is
"He's not your kind"... [lyrics] [mp3]}
CeliaTalk to me.
RossOK.... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning...
CeliaNo no no. Talk... dirty.
Ross(embarrassed) Wha... what, here?
CeliaSay something..... hot.
Ross(panicked) Er.... um.....
RossUm... uh.... vulva. Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happened last night. Joey(in disbelief) Vulva?
RossAlright, I panicked, alright? She-she took me by surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling.
Mrs. TribbianiThat's sweet. Could I take her?
JoeyWith this ring? No contest.}
Joey(sarcastic) Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times??
RossShut up! It was nice. I just... I just don't think I'm the dirty-talking kinda guy, you know?
JoeyWhat's the big deal? You just say what you wanna do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Try something on me.
Ross(deadpan) Please be kidding.
JoeyWhy not? Come on! Just, just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.
RossOK. (closes eyes) I'm uh, I'm in my apartment...
Joey....yeah... what else?
RossThat's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. (gets up, walks across room)
Joey(walks to catch up to him) Alright, look, I'll start, OK?
RossJoey, please.
JoeyCome on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! (in a low voice) Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now.
Ross(impressed) Wow.
JoeyAlright, now you say something.
RossI... ahem... I really don't think so.
JoeyCome on! You like this woman, right?
JoeyYou want to see her again, right?
JoeyWell if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you gonna talk dirty to her? Now tell me you wanna caress my butt!
RossOK, turn around. (Joey looks taken aback) I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this.
Joey(turning around) Alright, alright. I'm not looking. Go ahead.
RossOk. Ahem... I want.... OK, I-I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips.
JoeyThere you go! Keep going. Keep going!
RossI, er...
(At this point, Chandler walks into the living room from his bedroom. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.)
RossI uh, I wanna take my tongue... and...
(Chandler is completely astounded.)
JoeySay it... say it!
Ross...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with...
(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.)
Ross(rushing to explain) Funny story!
JoeyYou're not gonna believe this!
ChandlerNo no no, shh! It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.
JoeyThe trembling thing was nice.
RossShut up.
JoeyHey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.
JoeyAnd again, and again, and again... (phone rings, he answers) Hello? (tosses phone to Chandler) And again.
Chandler(on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money, you know? It's just I need something that's more than a job. I need something I really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this's-this's a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you Monday! (slams the phone down) Yeah. Chandler's new window office, he is showing Phoebe around. ChandlerWell?
Phoebe(excited) Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube.
ChandlerLook at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)
PhoebeOh! You have a window!
ChandlerYes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of...
PhoebeOh look! That guy's peeing!
Chandler(walks away from window) OK, that's enough of the view. Alright, check this out, look at this. Ok, sit down here, sit down.
Phoebe(sitting) OK.
ChandlerOk, this is great, this is great! (he presses a button on his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a moment?
(An unamused woman walks into the office.)
ChandlerThank you Helen, that'll be all.
(She leaves, obviously perturbed.)
ChandlerLast time I do that, I promise.
PhoebeNow you know, she doesn't seem very warm.
ChandlerI know. She has like no personality.
Helen(on the intercom) Ahemmm. (Chandler realizes he had the intercom on the phone on since she left.) Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the conversation. Monica(shouting on phone) No Wendy, don't do this to me. Wendy, we had a deal! (Listens) Yeah, you promised! Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! (hangs up) Ohh!
RachelHmm, who was that?
MonicaWendy bailed. I-I have no waitress.
RachelOh... that's too bad. Bye bye. (she walks away towards the door)
MonicaTen dollars an hour.
MonicaTwelve dollars an hour.
RachelMon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around.
MonicaYou know, Rachel, when-when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you. I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you... (Rachel isn't buying it, desperate) twenty dollars an hour.
RachelDone. Monica and Rachel's, later. Rachel is waitressing, Monica is cooking. Phoebe walks in with Steve (Jon Lovitz). RachelWell hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I take your coat?
MonicaHi Steve!
SteveHello, Monica. (to Rachel) Hello, greeter girl.
Monica(to Steve) This is Rachel.
Steve(unconcerned) Yeah, OK.
Phoebe(overemphasizing) Mmmmmm! Everything smells so delicious! You know, I can't remember a time I smelt such a delicious combination of (Monica signals her to stop) of, OK, smells.
SteveIt's a lovely apartment.
MonicaOh, thank you. Would-would you like a tour?
SteveI-I was just being polite, but, alright.
(They leave on the tour and Rachel goes to follow them but Phoebe stops her and drags her into the kitchen.)
RachelWhat? What's up?
Phoebe(whispers) In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.
PhoebeSmoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja? {smoked marijuana, smoked marijuana, smoked marijuana.}
RachelOK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK. Do you think he's gonna be cool?
Steve(from the living room) Is it dry in here? (licks his lips)
RachelLet me, let me get you some wine!
MonicaYeah, I think we're ready for our first course. (Steve sits, Monica brings over a tray) OK, um, these are rock shrimp ravioli, in a cilantro pondou sauce... (Steve starts to eat them one by one, quickly)... with just a touch of mints... and... (he finishes)... ginger.
SteveWell, smack my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic!
MonicaOh gosh, I'm so glad you liked them!
SteveLike 'em? I could eat a hundred of 'em!
MonicaOh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But, in about eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.
SteveTartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word's lost all meaning. (he gets up and goes into the kitchen)
RachelExcuse me? Can-can I help you with anything?
SteveYou know, I don't know what I'm looking for.
(Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her Steve is stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint, and Monica thinks she's giving her the 'OK' signal. Then Rachel does it again, inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though she doesn't believe it.)
Steve(from kitchen) Ah, cool! Taco shells! (Rachel motions, "You see!") You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope, you know.
Monica(joining him and taking the taco shells) You know that? You don't wanna spoil your appetite.
Steve(looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar O's! (grabs the cereal box)
MonicaYou know, if you just wait another... six and a half minutes...
SteveOh, Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!
MonicaNo, we don't. (reaches for box)
SteveOh, OK. (he drops the box on the floor) Oh, sorry. (When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummy bears from the cabinet.)
MonicaWhy don't you just have a seat here? (he sits at the table, then tries to secretly eat the Gummy bears. Monica spots him.) OK... ok, give me the Gummy bears.
Steve(childishly) No.
MonicaGive them to me.
SteveAlright, we'll share.
MonicaNo, give me the...
SteveWell then you can't have any. (she grabs for the package, and it breaks open. Gummy bears fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the table.) Oh! Oh! Bears overboard! I think he's drowning. Don't just stand there, call 911. (He throws some Sugar O's into the punch bowl) Hey fellas! Grab on a Sugar O... save yourself! (Mimicking the bears) "Help! I'm drowning! Help!"
Monica(furious) That's it! Dinner is over!
MonicaWhy? I wonder if I came into your office and I started... I can't think of any example, ok? It's just that I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this, and you can't even wait four and a half minutes for a stupid onion tartlet?
(The oven goes off.)
Steve(excited) Hey!
Central Perk, all are there except Chandler. MonicaSo I told him 'I'm sorry, that's just how I feel'. And he told me I harshed his buzz. (makes a confused face) Then I said, 'Don't eat that, that's a kitchen magnet'. And he didn't listen, so we left him in the emergency room.
RossOh Mon, I'm sorry.
JoeyWhat a tool!
PhoebeYou did the right thing.
RachelYeah, you don't wanna work for a guy like that.
MonicaI know... I just, I don't know, well I just thought this was, you know... it.
RossLook, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef.
PhoebeYeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn't faking.
RachelOh by the way, am I gonna get paid for the full 3 hours? (Monica looks at her with an unhappy face.) Just a question, talk about it later. (Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joey follows him.)
Joey(to Ross) So, er... how did it go with Celia?
RossOh, I was unbelievable.
JoeyAll right, Ross!
RossI was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plotlines, themes, a motif... at-at one point there were villagers.
JoeyWhoa! And the... (gestures with hands) huh-huh?
RossWell, ahem... you know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so uh...
JoeyYou cuddled.
RossYeah, which was nice.
PhoebeYou guys wanna try and catch a late movie or something?
RachelMaybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler?
JoeyOh, where the hell is he?
(Chandler's office, he's on the phone, agitated.)
Chandler(on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking into the WENUS and I'm not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa....
Phoebe's massage parlour, she has Steve on the table, and is giving him an extra-painful massage. PhoebeHow's this? (presses down hard)
PhoebeSorry. How about over here? (presses down hard again)
PhoebeSee, that just means it's working. Does this hurt? (presses down elsewhere)
PhoebeHow about this? (she starts using her elbows on his back, he yells in pain)
PhoebeThere you go! (She continues to work him over with her elbows and he continues to yell in pain.)
SteveOh I am gonna throw up.

Written by Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss; Transcribed by Ruth Curran; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp