Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in and starts raiding the fridge. Then Rachel comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her waist, drying herself with another towel. Chandler and Rachel startle each other and she drops the towel for a second and snatches the rug off the couch. ChandlerI'm sorry!
RachelThat is IT! You just barge in here, you don't knock...
ChandlerI'm sorry!
RachelYou have no respect for anybody's privacy!
ChandlerRachel, wait, wait.
RachelNo, you wait! This is ridiculous!
ChandlerCan I just say one thing?
RachelWhat? What?!
ChandlerThat's a relatively open weave and I can still see your... nipular areas.
RachelOh!!
(She storms off) Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her boyfriend Roger, talking to Rachel and Monica. PhoebeOh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks things are, like, other things. You know? So, like, when the phone rings and she takes a shower.
RogerThat's pretty much it.
PhoebeOops!
RogerBut you tell it really well, sweetie.
PhoebeThanks. Ok, now go away so we can talk about you.
RogerOk. I'll miss you. (Leaves)
PhoebeOhh. (to Monica and Rachel) Isn't he great?
RachelHe's so cute! And he seems to like you so much.
PhoebeI know, I know. So sweet... uh, and so complicated, you know. And for a shrink, he's not too shrinky, you know?
MonicaSo, you think you'll do it on his couch?
PhoebeOh, I don't know, I don't know. I think that's a little weird, you know? It's Vinyl.
RachelOkaaay. (To the guys, on the couch) Any of you guys want anything else?
ChandlerOh, yes, could I have one of those. (Points)
RachelNo, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else?
ChandlerOk.
RogerDid I, uh, did I miss something?
ChandlerNo, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.
RossYou what? What-what were you doing seeing her boobies?
ChandlerIt was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts.
RachelOk, ok, could we change the subject, please?
PhoebeYeah, you know, these are not her boobies, these are her breasts.
RachelOk, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.
MonicaYou know, I always liked bazoombas. How to give them a Latin spin.
RachelCan-can we drop this already, please?
ChandlerYou know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.
RachelNice? They were nice. I mean, that-that's it? I mean, mittens are nice.
ChandlerOkaaay, (Gestures) rock, hard place, me.
RogerYou're-you're so funny! He's really funny! I wouldn't wanna be there when when the laughter stops.
ChandlerWhoah whoah, back up there, Sparky. What'd you mean by that?
RogerOh, just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues. You know, that you use your humour as a way of keeping people at a distance.
ChandlerHuh.
RogerI mean hey! I just met you, I don't know you from Adam... Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty.
ChandlerUh-huh, how did you know that?
RogerIt's textbook.
(Joey enters with his dad)
JoeyHey you guys. You all know my dad, right? 
AllHey! Hey!
MonicaHey, how long are you in the city?
Mr. TribbianiJust for a coupla days. I got a job midtown. I figure I'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on the ferry. (Sees Roger) I don't know this one.
PhoebeOh, this is my friend Roger.
RogerHi.
Mr. TribbianiHey, hey. Good to meet you, Roger.
RogerYou too, sir.
Mr. Tribbiani(To Phoebe) What happened to the, uh, puppet guy?
JoeyDad, dad. (Shakes his head)
Mr. TribbianiOh-oh, excuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? (Ross whines and lays his head on Chandler's shoulder) Off too, huh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny!
(Chandler stays stone-faced) Chandler and Joey's, Mr. Tribbiani is on the phone. Mr. TribbianiI gotta go. I-I-I miss you too, I love you, but it's getting real late now.
Joey(Snatches the phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bazida, and... 'Scuse me? (To his dad) Did you know this isn't Ma?
(His dad nods. Cut to later. Joey is chopping mushrooms)
Mr. TribbianiHer name's Ronni. She's a pet mortician.
JoeySure. So how long you've been... (Goes back to chopping)
Mr. TribbianiRemember when you were a little kid, I used to take you to the navy yard and show you the big ships?
JoeySince then?!
Mr. TribbianiNo, it's only been six years. I just wanted to put a nice memory in your head so you'd know that I wasn't always such a terrible guy. What're you doing? JoeyChopping garlic.
Mr. TribbianiYou're not gonna crush it?
JoeyHey, you're having an affair, I'm chopping the garlic, it's a wacky world.
Mr. TribbianiJoe. You have been in love?
Joey...I don't know.
Mr. TribbianiThen you haven't. You're burning your tomatoes.
JoeyYou're one to talk.
(Puts the mushrooms in a saucepan)
Mr. TribbianiJoe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women.
JoeyOh man. Please tell me one of them is Ma.
Mr. TribbianiOf course, course one of them's Ma. What's the matter with you. Monica and Rachel's, Joey is lamenting to everyone about his dad's affair. JoeyIt's like if you woke up one day and found out your dad was leading this double life. He's like actually some spy, working for the C.I.A. (Considers) That'd be cool.... This blows.
Monica(to Ross) Do you think Dad ever cheated on Mom?
RossI dunno. I don't think so, 'cause that would involving having sex and I would like to think that our parents don't do that sort of thing. {216:
Mrs. Geller(they start kissing) Oh Jack stop.
Mr. GellerCome on, it's my birthday. (Monica covers up her ears with some sponges.)}
RachelAw I know, I mean, why can't parents just stay parents? You know? (She walks over near Chandler and his gaze stays very obviously on her chest) Why do they have to become people? Why do they have... (Notices Chandler) Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?
Chandler(Without looking up) What? (Looks up) What?
RachelDid you not get a good enough look the other day?
RossAlright, alright. We're all adults here, there's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your pee pee.
ChandlerYou know, I don't see that happening?
RachelCome on, he's right. Tit for tat.
ChandlerWell I'm not showing you my 'tat.'
(Door buzzer goes)
MonicaHello?
Phoebe(Intercom) It's Phoebe.
Roger(Intercom) And Rog.
MonicaCome on up.
Chandler(Sarcastic) Oh, good. Rog is here.
JoeyWhat's the matter with Rog?
RossYeah.
ChandlerOh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I hate that guy.
RossWhat, so he was a little analytical. That's what he does, you know? Come on, he's not that bad.
(Cut to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitting at the table. Ross is upset)
RossYou see, that's where you're wrong. Why would I marry her if I thought on any level that that she was a lesbian?
RogerI dunno. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail. (Chanlder pats Ross on the shoulder and leaves) Ha ha!
RossWhy? Why would I why? Why? Why? Why?
RogerI don't know. Maybe maybe low self-esteem, maybe maybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling, maybe you...
MonicaWait-wait, go back to that sibling thing.
RogerWell, I don't know. I mean, it's conceivable that you wanted to sabotage your marriage so that the sibling would feel less of a failure in the eyes of the parents.
RossThat's-that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her failures!
MonicaHuh-oh! So you think I'm a failure!
PhoebeIsn't he good?
RossYeah. No no no, that's, that's not what I was saying...
MonicaYou know I mean, all these years, I thought you were on my side. But maybe what you were doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd keep liking you better!
RossHey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!
(Cut to later. Rachel is in tears)
RachelYou're right! I mean you're right! It wasn't just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace, and and the Weebles' Cruise Ship. Oh, which had this little lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in. And-and Mom just gave 'em away.
RogerThat's tough. Tough stuff. Come on, Pheebs, we're gonna catch that movie, we gotta get going.
PhoebeOh, ok. Feel better, Rachel, Ok?
RogerGeez, we're gonna be late, sweetie...
PhoebeOh, ok. Listen, thanks for everything, Mon.
MonicaNo problem.
RogerListen guys, it was great seeing you again.
RossEm.
RogerMon, um, easy on those cookies, ok? Remember, they're just food, they're not love. {Easy on those smartphones, ok? Remember, they're just toys, they're not kidneys.}
(He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookies at it)
MonicaI hate that guy! (Throws another cookie)
RossEm. The hallway, Chandler and Joey are just leaving Monica and Rachel's. JoeyGood night, you guys.
(They notice that a woman is sitting by their door)
ChandlerOh look, it's the woman we ordered.
{JoeyI thought we ordered a twenty-year-old.}
JoeyHey. Can, uh, can we help you?
RonniOh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani.
JoeyI'm Joey Tribbiani.
RonniOh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you're so much cuter than your pictures! (Joey stares at her) I-I'm, I'm Ronni... Cheese Nip?
ChandlerUh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a nip, you know? Chandler and Joey's, Ronni is talking to Chandler. Joey's dad is not around. RonniNow, you see, most people, when their pets pass on, they want 'em sorta laid out like they're sleeping. But, occasionally you get your person who wants them in a pose. Like, chasing their tail, (Demonstrates) or, uh, jumping to catch a Frisbee.
ChandlerJoey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.
RonniThat's a good one!
(Joey's dad enters.)
Mr. TribbianiHey, Joe.
JoeyHey Dad, uh Ronni's here.
Mr. TribbianiHuh?
RonniHi.
Mr. TribbianiHey-hey! Oh, babe! Wh- what're what're you doing here?
RonniOh, uh, well, you left your good hair at my apartment, I figured you'd need it tomorrow for your meeting. (Hands him the hair)
Mr. TribbianiThank you. Uh...
ChandlerSo, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?
RonniLook, I uh, I-I shouldn't come. I-I'd better get going, I wanna this last train.
Mr. TribbianiNo-no, I-I don't want you taking that thing this minutes.
RonniOh, where am I gonna stay, here?
JoeyWho-ah-ho.
Mr. TribbianiWe'll go to a hotel.
Ronni(Shrugs) Go to a hotel.
Joey(Closes the door) No you won't.
RonniNo we won't.
JoeyIf you go to a hotel you'll be... doing stuff. I want you right here where I can keep an eye on you.
Mr. TribbianiYou're gonna keep an eye on us?
JoeyThat's right, mister, and I don't care how old you are, as long as you're under my roof you're gonna live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.
RonniWow. He's strict.
JoeyNow dad, you'll be in my room, Ronni uh, you can stay in Chandler's room.
ChandlerAnd Chandler will be?
JoeyOut here with me, bunking up on the hide-a-bed.
ChandlerOooh, bunking up. If you smell S'mores, don't be alarmed.
RonniThanks. You're, uh, you're a-a good kid.
ChandlerCome on, I'll-I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late."
JoeyOk. Now this is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you gotta make a change. Six years is long enough.
Mr. TribbianiWhat kind a change?
JoeyWell, either you break it off with Ronni
Mr. TribbianiI can't do that!
JoeyThen you gotta come clean with Ma! This is not right!
Mr. TribbianiYeah, but this is-
Joey(Interrupts) I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room! Chandler and Joey's, night. Chandler and Joey are sharing the sofabed in the living room. Joey is restless. ChandlerHey, Kicky. What're you doing?
JoeyJust trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep in my underwear.
ChandlerWell, you're gonna.
JoeyI've been thinking. You know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls...
ChandlerAre they end to end, or tall like pancakes?
JoeyYou know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women. 'Cause I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, you know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking...
ChandlerHey, you're not him. You're you. When they were all over you to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?
JoeyNo.
ChandlerNo. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say "No thanks, I'm married."
JoeyYou really think so?
ChandlerYeah. I really do.
JoeyThanks, Chandler. (Snuggles up to him)
ChandlerGet off! Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone knocks on the door and Monica gets it. RonniHi.
MonicaHi...May I help you?
RonniYeah, uh, Joey said I could use your shower, since, uh, Chandler's in ours?
MonicaOk...who are you?
RonniOh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The mistress?
MonicaOh, come on in.
RonniOh, thanks.
RachelHi, I'm Rachel.
RonniHi.
RachelBathroom's up there.
RonniGreat.
RachelHey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower?
RonniOh, like, uh, five minutes?
RachelPerfect. Fasten your seat belts, it's pee pee time. (She goes into Joey and Chandler's apartment, where Mr. Tribbiani is reading the paper) Hey, Mr. Trib.
Mr. TribbianiHey. Good morning, dear.
(Rachel goes up to the door of their bathroom)
RachelChandler Bing? It's time to see your thing.
(She opens the door and whips back the curtain. It's Joey. They both scream)
Joey(Runs out in a towel) What's the matter with you?!
RachelI thought it was Chandler!
Chandler(Comes out of his room) What? What?
RachelYou, were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing!
ChandlerSorry, my-my thing was in there with me. Central Perk, everyone is there as Phoebe enters. AllHey, Pheebs.
PhoebeHey.
MonicaHow's it going?
PhoebeGood. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys.
(Chandler laughs)
PhoebeSo what's going on?
MonicaNothing, um, it's just, um... It's Roger, you know.
RossI, (Clears throats) I don't know, there's just something about (Clears throats again)
ChandlerBasically we just feel that he's...
RachelWe hate that guy.
AllYeah. Hate him.
RossWe're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry.
PhoebeUh-huh. Ok. Ok, don't you think, maybe, though, it's just that he's so perceptive that it freaked you out?
All...No, we hate him.
RachelWe're sorry. Chandler and Joey's apartment, Joey is trying to turn the sofabed back into a sofa. Someone knocks on the door and it rears up at him. JoeyMa! What're you doing here?
Mrs. TribbianiI came to give you this (Gives him a bag of groceries) and this. (Whacks him round the ear)
JoeyOww! Big ring!
Mrs. TribbianiWhy did you have to fill your father's head with all that garbage about making things right? Things were fine the way they were! There's chicken in there, put it away. For God's sake, Joey, really. (She gives the sofabed a tiny push and it folds away)
JoeyHold on, you-you know?
Mrs. TribbianiOf course I know! What'd you think? Your father is no James Bond. You should've heard some of his cover stories. "I'm sleeping over at my accountant's," I mean, what is that? Please! JoeySo then how could you I mean, how could you?!
Mrs. TribbianiDo you remember how your father used to be? Always yelling, always yelling nothing made him happy, nothing made him happy, nothing, not that wood shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle, nothing. Now he's happy! I mean, it's nice, he has a hobby.
JoeyMa, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but... what the hell are you talking about?! I mean, what about you?
Mrs. TribbianiMe? I'm fine. Look, honey, in an ideal world, there'd be no her, and your father would look like Sting. And I'll tell you something else. Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along, he's been so ashamed of himself that he's been more attentive, he's been more loving... I mean, it's like every day's our anniversary.
JoeyI'm...happy...for you?
Mrs. TribbianiWell don't be, because now everything's screwed up. I just want it the way it was.
JoeyMa, I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you'd want.
Mrs. TribbianiI know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you did. So tell me. Did you see her?
JoeyYeah. You're ten times prettier than she is.
Mrs. TribbianiThat's sweet. Could I take her?
JoeyWith this ring? (Her engagement ring.) No contest. Central Perk. Roger enters and walks quietly up behind Phoebe. He puts his arm around her. Phoebe(frightened) Oh oh! Don't ever do that! Ever!
RogerWhy?
PhoebeI'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I have a thing. I have a thing, which means you can't ever do that.
RogerWhy? What's-what's wrong, sweetie?
PhoebeNothing, nothing.
RogerAaaah, what's wrong, come on. (Pats his leg. She lies down and rests her head in his lap)
PhoebeOh, ok. It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's just uh, it's my friends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they don't.
RogerOh. They don't.
PhoebeBut you know, they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see, you know? They don't see all the, all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. They just, you know, they think you're a little...
RogerWhat?
PhoebeIntense and creepy.
RogerOh.
PhoebeBut I don't. Me, Phoebe.
RogerWell, I'm not, I'm not at all surprised if they feel that way.
PhoebeYou're not? See, that's why you're so great!
RogerActually it's, it's quite, you know, typical behaviour when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. You know, this kind of co-dependent emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee house with your stupid big cups which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them, and you're all like 'Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!'. Monica and Rachel's, Joey is letting everyone in on the new developments. MonicaSo you talked to your dad, huh.
JoeyYeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my ma like she wanted, my ma's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know even though she does, and my little sister Tina can't see her husband any more 'cause he got a restraining order...which has nothing to do with anything except that I found out today.
RachelWow.
ChandlerThings sure have changed here on Walton's Mountain.
RossSo Joey, you ok?
JoeyYeah, I guess. It's just, you know, they're parents, after a certain point, you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you gotta let them make their own mistakes.
RachelJust think, in a couple of years we get to turn into them.
ChandlerIf I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom.
Phoebe(entering) Hey.
AllHey, Pheebs.
MonicaHow's it going?
PhoebeOh, ok, except I broke up with Roger.
AllAwww.
PhoebeYeah, right.
AllAaawwwwww!!
RachelWhat happened?
PhoebeI don't know, I mean, he's a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it's just... I hate that guy! Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is reading the paper and Joey enters. PhoebeHey, Joey. What's going on?
JoeyClear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed by Monica in a towel)
MonicaJoey!! What the hell were you doing?!
JoeySorry. Wrong boobies.
(He leaves. Cut to Monica entering Chandler and Joey's apartment. She sneaks up to the shower door)
MonicaHello, Joey.
(She whips back the curtain to reveal Joey's dad)
Mr. TribbianiHeh! ...Hello, dear. (She whips the curtain shut in horror)

Written by Alexa Junge; Transcribed by guineapig; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp