Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working on crossword puzzle, starts humming theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler joins in, followed by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross starts humming theme from I Dream Of Jeannie.
ChandlerNo-no-no-no, we're done.
Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone in the kitchen.
MonicaAunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if you'd told me vegetarian lasagna, I would've made vegetarian lasagna. (pauses, listens to person on phone) Well, the-the meat's only every third layer, maybe you could scrape.
(Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living room)
JoeyRoss, did you really read all these baby books?
RossYup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like that! (snaps fingers)
PhoebeOh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta. (Joey grimaces)
ChandlerAnd, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table)
Phoebe(softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still on phone)
MonicaAunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone, looks shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?
(Camera pans back to group in living room)
JoeyHey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy! How come you don't live with Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)
(Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks annoyed)
RachelHoney, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos (touching Paolo's nose with forefinger with each syllable)
PaoloAh, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a (touches nose again) nose, mmm (they rub noses, then kisses her)
Joey, Chandler, and Ross(sitting in living room, imitating Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah
(Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in the kitchen)
MonicaSo, did I hear Poconos?
RachelYes, my sister's giving us her place for the weekend.
PhoebeWoo-hoo, first weekend away together!
MonicaYeah, that's a big step.
(Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected)
Chandler(to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!
RossWasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by now?
(Camera pans back to Rachel)
RachelI mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm just totally, totally...
(Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)
RossNauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration!
Paulo(looks out the window and gestures the others to come over)
RachelWhat? (Her, Monica, and Phoebe come over.) Oh look. Ugly Naked Guy is making shadow puppets.
PhoebeOh but look, it's Abraham Lincoln. All right!
Ross(to the guys who are eager to look) Go! Go!
The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls' apartment, carrying lasagna.
JoeyI love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their little baby toes, and their hands...
ChandlerOk, you're gonna have to stop that, forever!
(Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, table falls over)
JoeyNeed a new table.
Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the door and Carol answers it to Ross.
CarolHey-hey-key, come on in!
(Ross enters, carrying lasagna)
RossHey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I uh I brought all the books, and Monica sends her love, along with this lasagna.
CarolOh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eat meat.
Ross(pauses) I'm pretty sure that it is...(looks at Carol's figure) Ha ha oooh. Ohhh. 19 weeks the breasts are starting to swell.....according to the literature.
CarolI got the results of the amino today.
Ross(making flinging gestures with hands) Oh, tell me, tell me, is everything, uhh....?
CarolTotally and completely healthy!
RossOh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses Carol. Then picks up a picture frame)
RossHey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?
CarolUh, that's our friend Tanya.
Ross(surprised, chuckling nervously) Of course it's your friend Tanya. (looks up frightened)
CarolDon't you wanna know about the sex?
Ross(chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) Um, I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throw in Tanya (miming washing hair, that's the best I could think of), yaw...
CarolThe sex of the baby, Ross.
RossOh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh!
CarolDo you wanna know?
RossNo, no, no, no, no, I don't wanna know, absolutely not. No, I think, you know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say, oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't...
SusanOh, hello Ross!
SusanSo, so, did you hear?
RossYes, we did, everything's A-OK!
SusanOh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle, Ross steps away) It really is...do we know...?
CarolYes, we certainly do, it's going to be...
Ross(flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho, hello, see, a guy who doesn't want to know, standing right here!
SusanOh, well, is it what we thought it would be?
CarolMm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling. Ross stands back, reaches out and lightly taps Susan's shoulder)
RossHey, what, what...ok, what-what'd we think it was gonna be?
Carol and SusanIt's a...
Ross(interrupts) No, no, no I don't wanna know, don't wanna know. Ok, you know, I should probably, I should probably just go.
CarolWell, thanks for the books.
RossNo problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa (kisses Carol's stomach, then punches Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.)
SusanAll right, who should we call first, your folks, or Deb and Rona? (intercom buzzer rings)
Ross(on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't wanna know. (Carol and Susan laugh)
Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler use their knees as a table to support the lasagna.
ChandlerOk, so it's just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?
JoeyThat's the rule.
ChandlerWhat rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me a table!
JoeyHow'd you get there?
ChandlerWell, I believe this piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio.
JoeyYou knew about that?
ChandlerWell, let's just say the impressions you made in the butt left little to the imagination.
JoeyOk, ok, how about if we split it?
ChandlerWhat do you mean, like, buy it together?
ChandlerYou think we're ready for something like that?
ChandlerWell, just it's a pretty big commitment, I mean, what if one of us wants to move out?
JoeyWhy, are you moving out?
ChandlerI'm not moving out.
JoeyYou'd tell me if you were moving out right?
ChandlerYes, yes, it's just that with my last roommate Kip...
JoeyAw, I know all about Kip!
ChandlerWe bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly.
JoeySo let me ask you something: was Kip a better roommate than me?
ChandlerAw, don't do that.
Phoebe's Massage Parlor, Phoebe's assistant is telling her about the changes to her schedule.
Phoebe's AssistantWe've got a couple of changes in your schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.
PhoebeOk, thanks. (assistant leaves, then walks back in)
Phoebe's AssistantOh, here comes your 3:00. I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo enters)
PaoloBuongiorno, belle Phoebe!
PhoebeOh, Paolo, hi, what're you doing here?
PaoloUh, Racquela tell me you massage?
PhoebeYeah, well, Racquela's right, yeah!
(Paolo speaks Italian)
PhoebeOh, ok, I don't know what you just said, so let's just start it.
PaoloUh, I am, uh, being naked?
PhoebeUm, that's really your decision, I mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're being naked!
Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.
Rachel(to Ross) I can't believe you don't wanna know. I mean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows....
MonicaAnd Monica knows...
RossWha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know!
MonicaCarol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I asked, she told me.
JoeySo what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey's ear. Ross gets up and waves arms frantically in protest)
RossWait-oh-hey-huh, oh great now he knows, and I don't know!
MonicaI'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt!
JoeyOr an uncle...
Joey and ChandlerHey Phoebe!
MonicaPhoebe, what's the matter?
PhoebeNothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts.
ChandlerOh well you could use some of my sorts. I rarely use them.
CustomerHey, can we get some cappuccino over here?
RachelOh, right, that's me!
JoeyHey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on.
ChandlerFine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the door)
MonicaPhoebe, what is it?
PhoebeAll right, you know Paolo?
RossI'm familiar with his work, yes...
PhoebeWell, he made a move on me.
(Joey and Chandler come back)
JoeyWhoa, store will be open tomorrow!
ChandlerMore coffee over here, please!
MonicaWell, what happened?
PhoebeWell, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage table, moving his hands up Phoebe's legs.)
[Cut back to Central Perk.]
Joey and ChandlerOoooohh!
MonicaAre you sure?
(The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.)
[Cut back to Central Perk.]
PhoebeOh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with Phoebe doing a voiceover.) And all of a sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (Flashback continues: Paolo rolls over, Phoebe looks down, then quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her head)
PhoebeOh, boy scouts could have camped under there.
Ross So ah-what did you do?
PhoebeWell, I dealt with it like a professional.
(Flashback resumes with Phoebe picking up the sheet and rolling him off the table and on to the floor.)
(Rachel runs over)
(All talking indistinctly, high-fiving)
(Rachel walks away)
ChandlerSo what are you gonna do?
RossYou have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's your moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist issue! Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to chime in)
ChandlerOh, yeah, you have to tell her.
JoeyFeminist issue. That's where I went!
PhoebeShe is gonna hate me.
Ross(sympathetic yet...) Yeah, well...
The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and looking for their new table.
JoeyWill you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about that one? (points to a table)
ChandlerThat's patio furniture.
JoeySo what, like people are gonna come in and think, "Uh-oh, I'm outside again?" Come on!
Chandler(gesturing towards another table) What about the birds?
JoeyI don't know, birds just don't say, "Hello, sit here, eat something."
ChandlerYou pick one.
JoeyAll right, how about the ladybugs?
ChandlerOh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining!
JoeyFine, you wanna get the birds, get the birds!
ChandlerNot like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would've liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty look)
ChandlerYou're turning into a woman.
JoeyNo I'm not. Why would you say that? That's just mean.
ChandlerNow I've upset you? What did I say?
JoeyIt's not what you said. It's the way you said it....Oh My God, I'm a woman!!!}
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel's folding and packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe enters.
RachelHi Pheebs! What's going on?
PhoebeAre you moving out?
RachelNo. I'm getting ready for the weekend.
PhoebeWow.....are your weekends longer than two days?
RachelNo, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks up small blue suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This one's Paolo's.
PhoebeUm, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?
RachelWell, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on his way over.
PhoebeOh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um,
RachelOh, Pheebs, Pheebs...
PhoebeOk, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each other for that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie)
Rachel(taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite of cookie, overwhelmed) Oh my God, why have I never tasted these before?!
PhoebeOh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies.
RachelAll right, well, you're right, these are the best oatmeal raisin cookies that I've ever had.
PhoebeWhich proves that I never lie.
RachelI guess you don't.
PhoebePaolo made a pass at me.
(Rachel looks stunned)
Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Chandler, Joey, and Monica admiring their new table.
ChandlerSo, what do you think?
RossI think It's the most beautiful table I've ever seen.
(The camera pans back to reveal Joey and Chandler's new foosball table.)
MonicaSo how does this work, you're gonna balance the plates on these little guys' heads?
JoeyWho cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on.
MonicaHeads up Ross (Monica scores on Chandler and Joey) Score! (points at Chandler) You suck!
(Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is recovering from the shock.
PhoebeAre you ok?
RachelI need some milk.
PhoebeOk, I've got milk (takes Thermos from her bag and starts to pour a cup) Here you go... (Rachel drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel finishes thermos) Better?
RachelNo...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about the other day with you guys and you know I was all "Oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so..." (pulls a lot of the roll of paper towel out) Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed!
PhoebeI'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on!
(Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)
RachelPheebs, if I had never met him this never would have happened!
Rachel and PhoebeI'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry!
PhoebeNo, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?
RachelI don't know...right, he's the pig!
PhoebeSuch a pig!
RachelOh, God, he's such a pig
PhoebeOh he's like a...
RachelHe's like a big disgusting...
PhoebeYes, good! Ok...
Rachel(voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig man...how did I not see this?
Phoebe(raises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) Because... he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and when he looks at you...
RachelOk, Ok, Pheebs...
PhoebeShould I not have told you?
RachelNo, no, trust me, it's, it's, it's much better that I know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was better...
(Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs her)
Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling everyone how it went across the hall as the foosball game continues.
PhoebeI think she took it pretty well. You know Paolo's over there right now, so...
MonicaWe should get over there and see if she's ok. (switching places with Ross) Just one...second! Score! (Monica scores, high-fives with Ross)
MonicaYes! (to Phoebe) Come on Pheebs. (Monica and Phoebe leave)
Ross(wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked your butts.
JoeyNo-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic standing-there team.
RossCome on, two on one.
ChandlerWhat are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy; it's time for you to swoop in!
JoeyYes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you, She's gotta know that you're everything he's not! You're like, like the anti-Paolo!
ChandlerMy Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher her in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction)
Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is throwing Paolo's clothes over the side.
PaoloNo, that's cold, that's cold, that's...
Cut to inside the apartment.
Ross(Entering) How's it going?
MonicaAlright, don't stare. 'Cause she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony, now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, (shows Rachel gesturing with hands in front of her chest), Ok, that is either, "How could you?" or, "Enormous breasts!" Here he comes!
(Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter)
PaoloUh, I am, uh, to say goodbye.
PhoebeOh, ok bye-bye.
MonicaPaolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, (hands him a lasagna) but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.
RossPaolo, I-I just wanna tell you and I think I speak for everyone when I say... (shuts door in his face and walks away)
PhoebeOh, just look at her... (girls move toward Rachel on the balcony)
RossOh you guys, I-I really think just one of us should go out there so she's not overwhelmed...
MonicaOh, you're right.
Ross(pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it should be me.
Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed through the window.
RossYou all right?
RachelOoh, I've been better. I can't believe this. I wasn't supposed to care about this guy. You know, it just supposed to be this big fun Italian thing. You know, some day I could look back on it and say 'Hey, that was a big fun Italian thing!' It wasn't supposed to feel like this when it was over. (exhales)
RossCome here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve so much better than him...you know, I mean, you, you, you should be with a guy who knows what he has when he has you.
RachelI am so sick of guys. I don't wanna look at another guy, I don't wanna think about another guy, I don't even wanna be near another guy. (Ross crosses arms)
RachelOh Ross, you're so great!
RossOhhhh (Hugs her and sighs)
Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross are entering.
MonicaOoh...hey honey, are you all right?
Rachelmedium...hmm...any cookies left?
RossSee, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process.
RachelNo. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I'm just gonna figure what I want.
RossUh, no, no, see, see, because not...not all guys out there are gonna be a, uh Paolo.
RachelNo, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is not gonna grow up to be one.
RossI-I'm, I'm having a boy?
RachelUh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not having a boy.
RossWha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! (babbling) Huh, am I having a boy?
GirlsYes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over and hugs Ross)
RossI'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy!
(Joey and Chandler run in)
Joey and ChandlerWhat, what, what is it?
RossI'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy!
Joey and ChandlerHeeey! We already knew that! (they hug)
RossI'm having a son. Um...
(Ross looks scared)
Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy killing Chandler and Joey at foosball.
MonicaWe go... Yes! And that would be a shutdown!
MonicaLet's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports.}
Joey and ChandlerShutout!! (They both start heading for their rooms.)
MonicaWhere are you guys going? Come on, one more game!
JoeyUh, it's 2:30 in the morning!
ChandlerYeah, get out!
MonicaYou guys are always hanging out in my apartment! Come on, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pick her up) All right, ok, I gotta go. I'm going, (they throw her out) and I'm gone.
Chandler(to Joey) One more game?
Written by Jeffrey Astrof, Mike Sikowitz, Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider; Transcribed by Jim & Tracy Lambers, with Minor Adjustments by Dan Silverstein; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp