A Street. Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.
PhoebeDo you think they have yesterday's Daily News?
PhoebeJust wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.
MonicaOh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression.
PhoebeWhere? (Turns to face him) Ooh, come to Momma.
MonicaHe's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.
(The guy walks past them)
Monica & Phoebe(in unison) Thanks.
(The guy walks on)
PhoebeWe should do something. Whistle.
MonicaWe are not going to whistle.
PhoebeYeah come on, do it.
PhoebeDo it do it do it!
Monica(Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo!
(The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck)
PhoebeI can't believe you did that!
Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Monica and Phoebe are visiting.
PhoebeIt's all my fault.
MonicaNo, it's mine. Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say 'Woo, I love that sound, I must have you now'?
PhoebeI just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talks to him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!
MonicaPhoebe, what are you doing?
PhoebeMaybe nobody's tried this.
MonicaI wish we at least knew his name.
PhoebeI know. I hate that they're calling him John Doe, It's so sad. It's Iike he's a deer, a female deer.
PhoebeOh, I was gonna stop.
MonicaLook at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart.
PhoebeYeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.
MonicaOk, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can dance!
PhoebeOh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, you know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.
MonicaI wish all guys could be like him.
Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma guy.
RossI don't get it. You don't even know this guy.
ChandlerYeah, are-are there no conscious men in the city for you two?
MonicaHe doesn't have anyone.
PhoebeYeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.
JoeyI can't believe you said woo-hoo. I don't even say woo-hoo.
RachelOh, she's coming up! She's coming up! (Turns on the TV)
Jay Leno(on TV [Wiki]) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one.
(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler)
ChandlerYou know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.
RossCorrect. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie...
RossCorrect. Her actual favorite movie is...
JoeyWeekend at Bernie's.}
RachelNo way, forget it.
JoeyCome on, she's your mom!
ChandlerExactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?
RachelChandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!
ChandlerYeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'
MonicaOh, I remember page 79. Yeah-aw!
JoeyOh yeah, the thing after the opera with the girl with the trick hip? Huh?
RossCome on, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.
ChandlerYou can say that because she's not your mom.
(Rachel opens the door to Paolo)
RachelOh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)
RossWhen did Rigatoni get back from Rome?
RossReally, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew.
PhoebeHey hey hey! She's on!
PaoloAh! Nora Bing!
Jay Leno(on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested in-in London? What is that all about?
PhoebeYour mom was arrested?
ChandlerShhh, busy beaming with pride.
Mrs. Bing(on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man...
ChandlerNow why would she say that's embarrassing?
Mrs. Bing(on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.
ChandlerTHAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!
Mrs. Bing(on TV) Needless to say, he got a huge tip.
RachelOh God, I Iove her!
ChandlerI think I'm having a stroke.
Jay Leno(on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?
Mrs. Bing(on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I love...
ChandlerThis is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.
Jay Leno(on TV) You know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you as-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...
Mrs. Bing(on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms.
(The gang turn to look at Chandler)
Chandler...And then he burst into flames.
The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the background. It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to him.
MonicaLet's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports.
[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica]
PhoebeWhat about Glen? He could be a Glen.
MonicaNah... not-not special enough.
PhoebeOoh! How about Agamemnon?
MonicaWaaay too special.
A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.
Mrs. BingI am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Chandler's menu)
ChandlerPlease God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.
Mrs. BingOh, you watched the show! What did you think?
ChandlerWell, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.
Ross(Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.
Mrs. BingOooh, come on, shut up, it's fun. Give me a hug. (They both sit down) I heard about the divorce. Lesbian, huh?
Mrs. BingWell you know what they say? Be careful what you wish for. Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.
ChandlerI know I am.
Mrs. BingWho's doing shots?
[Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door.]
TeacherYou by the door. In or out?
MonicaIn. (She joins in the dancing. She still flounders)}
Mrs. BingThere you go. Ross?
RossUh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy.
(Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)
RachelHi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kind of just, you know, lost track of time.
Ross...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)
[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a jeweller's eye.]
RossAnyone want me to appraise anything?
(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)
RossWell, I' m gonna go to tinker-town.
RachelMrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I have read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.
Mrs. BingOh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.
ChandlerMyyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.
[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]
Mrs. BingYeah, any messages for room 226?
(Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')
Mrs. BingYou ok, slugger?
RossYeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one)
Mrs. BingWhat is with you tonight?
RossNothing. Nothing nothing nothing.
Mrs. Bing(To phone) Ok, thank you. (To Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it.
RossNo. It's the one he's licking.
Mrs. BingShe's supposed to be with you.
Mrs. BingOh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and you know why?
RossThe girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
Mrs. BingNo. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. Come on, the guy's a secondary character, he's just, you know, a complication you eventually kill off.
Mrs. BingHe's not a hero... You know who our hero is.
RossThe guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
Mrs. BingNo, it's you!
Mrs. BingNo, really, come on. You're smart, you're sexy...
Mrs. BingYes you are, and in fact you don't think you are makes you even sexier. Ahh, kiddo, you are gonna be fine, believe me.
(She kisses him on the cheek)
(...Then full on the mouth)
JoeyUhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.
Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gown - it's Ross.
RossHey, is Chandler here?
RossOk, come here (Drags Joey into the hall and slams the door) Ok, uh, about last night, um, you know, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes his head) Ok, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?
JoeyRight. No big deal.
JoeyIn Bizarro World!! You broke the code!
JoeyYou don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are ok, maybe a hot-looking aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!
(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)
ChandlerWhat're you guys doing out here?
RossUh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
JoeyYeah, well, you don't have your racket.
RossNo, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one.
JoeyYeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
ChandlerOk, you guys spend waaaay too much time together (Goes back inside and shuts the door)
RossOk, I'm scum, I'm scum.
JoeyRoss, how could you let this happen?
RossI don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, you know? She's, she's sexy, she's...
JoeyYou don't think my mom's sexy?
RossWell... not in the same way...
JoeyI'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children? Huh?
RossOk, I think we're getting into a weird area here...
(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)
RachelWhat're you guys doing out here?
RossWell, not, not, not playing raquetball!
JoeyHe forgot to leave his grip size!
RossHe didn't get the goggles!
RachelWell, sounds like you two have issues.
(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)
(They kiss. Ross is watching them)
RossDo they wait for me to do this?
(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)
JoeySo are you gonna tell him?
RossI'm not gonna tell him. Why would I tell him?
JoeyHow about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.
Monica(Entering) What're you guys doing here?
JoeyUhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap.
Monica...What'd I ask?
Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a bunch of balloons.
MonicaWhat're you doing here?
PhoebeNothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. you know, after the uh... that I.. you know, so what're you doing here?
MonicaI'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you uh, come here a lot? Without me?
PhoebeNo. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?
MonicaHow would I know? I-I wasn't here.
PhoebeReally? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him wearing new pajamas.)
Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.
ChandlerOh my God.
RossYou're my friend. I-I had to tell you.
ChandlerI can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?
RossYeah I mean, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.
RossI-I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora-um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, you know, and- But nothing happened, nothing-
Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-
Chandler(To Joey) You knew about this?
JoeyUh... you know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
ChandlerI spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!
JoeyHey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what would've happened.
RossThanks, man, big help.
Chandler(To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?
RossI wasn't- I-I don't know, I-
ChandlerYou know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.
ChandlerI, I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)
JoeyMe neither, you know what-
ChandlerI'm still mad at you for not telling me.
JoeyWhat are you mad at me for?!
ChandlerYou gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)
Joey(Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code?
JoeyAh! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door)
Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up.
MonicaAh (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'.
RachelYeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick' can be liberated from 'its denim prison'?
Monica(Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.
Phoebe(Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach.
PhoebeYou going to the hospital tonight?
MonicaYou just asked me.
PhoebeOk, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can we do this now?
RachelOk. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!
Joey(To Ross, on the couch) And here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.
RossI cannot believe we're having this conversation.
JoeyCome on! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all.
Rachel(Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.
PhoebeThanks. Hi, um, Ok. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. (Monica gives her a look) Ok. (Sings)
You don't have to be awake to be my man / As long as you have brainwaves / I'll be there to hold your hand / Though we just met the other day / There's something I have got to say...
(She sees Monica sneaking out) Ok, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break!
(Runs out, knocking over the mike stand)
Rachel(Into mike) Ok, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo!
ChandlerWhat the hell was that?
RossOh, uh, Phoebe just started a...
ChandlerYeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, mother kisser? (Goes to the counter)
Joey(Laughing) Mother kisser... (Sees Ross's look) I'll shut up.
RossChandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Ok? There were two sets of lips.
ChandlerYes, well, I expect this from her. Ok? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.
RossOk, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something?
ChandlerBecause it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!
(People turn to look)
Ross(To the rest of Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Greek play.
ChandlerThat's very funny. We done now?
RossNo! Ok, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel?
ChandlerThat would be a no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.
RossOk, you can't, or (Points to Chandler) YOU can't? (Chandler grabs his finger) Ok, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah, aaah.
The Coma Guy's Room, Monica bursts in, closely followed by Phoebe. There is no sign of Coma Guy. His bed is empty.
PhoebeAlright, what'd you do with him?
(There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom)
MonicaOh! You're awake!
PhoebeLook at you! How do, how do you feel?
Coma GuyUh, a little woozy, but basically ok.
MonicaGosh, you-you look good!
Coma GuyI feel good! ...Who are you?
PhoebeI'm-I'm Phoebe Buffay.
MonicaI-I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you.
PhoebeWell, we both have.
Coma GuySo, the Etch A Sketch is from you guys?
PhoebeWell, actually it's just from me.
MonicaI got you the foot massager.
PhoebeYou know who shaved you? That was me.
MonicaI read to you.
PhoebeI sang. (To Monica) Hah!
Coma GuyWell,... thanks.
MonicaOh, my pleasure.
Coma GuySo. I guess I'll, see you around.
PhoebeWhat, that's it?
Monica"See you around?"
Coma GuyWell, what do you want me to say?
MonicaOh, I don't know. Maybe, um, "That was nice?" "It meant something to me?" "I'll call you?"
Coma GuyAlright, I'll call you.
PhoebeI don't think you mean that.
MonicaThis is so typical. You know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then-we just get nothing back! And then one day, you know, it's just, you wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go, Phoebe.
PhoebeYou know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.
Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.
Mrs. BingHey kiddo, car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Autographed. And give you a goodbye kiss. So, Mmah (Kisses him) here's the kiss, here's the goodbye, anything you want from Lisbon?
ChandlerNo-no, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.
Mrs. BingAlright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to leave)
ChandlerYou kissed my best Ross! ... Or something to that effect.
Mrs. Bing(Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.
Mrs. BingReally stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen again.
ChandlerReally really stupid.
Mrs. BingReally really stupid. Are we ok now?
ChandlerYeah. No. No...
Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through the door as Ross walks up.
RossAh, the forbidden love of a man and his door.
JoeyShh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything.
JoeyNo, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?"
JoeyWait wait, then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a bomb?"
Ross'Ok, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna grow up and realise I am your mom?"
JoeyThat makes more sense, yeah.
RossSo, what's going on now?
JoeyI dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! (Goes back to the door) I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the spy hole)
JoeyWell, hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run!
(Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica and Rachel's apartment, but it is locked so he has to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chandler and his mom come out)
Mrs. BingYou ok, kiddo?
Mrs. BingAlright. You be good. (Kisses him)
(She walks down the hall)
Ross(Very politely) Mrs. Bing.
Mrs. BingMr. Geller.
(Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door)
RossYou mean that?
ChandlerYeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her.
RossOh. How'd it go?
ChandlerAwful. Awful. Couldn't gone worse.
RossWell, how do you feel?
ChandlerPretty good! I told her.
RossWell, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, you know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Points to Chandler, then puts his finger down) But.. we don't have to go down that road.
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is handing out copies of her book to the gang.
RachelOk. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Ok? Oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.
ChandlerSee, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind. [Baywatch]}
PhoebeWhy? she could have heaving beasts.
RachelRight, right. But in this case, she doesn't.
MonicaWhat's a 'niffle'?
JoeyYou usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.
RachelAlright alright alright, so I'm not a great typist...
RossWait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
RachelAlright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!
PhoebeOh wait, wait, wait, no. I just got to the part about her 'public hair'.
PhoebeOh, Ode To A Pubic Hair?}
Written by Alexa Junge; Transcribed by guineapig; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp