Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there. Phoebe(entering) Hi guys!
AllHey, Phoebe! Hi!
RossHey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
PhoebeUm, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'
AllOhh. Ouch.
RachelWhat? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?
MonicaUh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'.
RachelSince when?
JoeySince always. It's like dating language. You know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.
ChandlerOr 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.
PhoebeOr, or, you know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.
RachelAnd everybody knows this?
JoeyOh, yeah. Cushions the blow.
ChandlerYeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
RossThat's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
MonicaUh, Ross.
RossWhat? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- ...Oh my God, Chi Chi! Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part. ChandlerSo how does it feel knowing you're about to die?
JoeyWarden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.
ChandlerHey, that was really good!
JoeyYeah? Thanks! Let's keep going.
ChandlerOk. "So. What do you want from me, Damone? Huh?"
JoeyI just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke.
ChandlerSmoke away.
(Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He fumbles and drops the lighter. Then he lights a cigarette, takes a drag, and coughs.)
ChandlerI think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.
JoeyWhat?
ChandlerRelax your hand! Let your wrist go.
(Joey lets his wrist go limp.)
ChandlerNot so much!
JoeyWhoah!
ChandlerHey!
JoeyHey!
ChandlerAlright, now try taking a puff.
(Joey tries and visibly winces.)
ChandlerRight. Ok. No, give it to me.
JoeyNo no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.
ChandlerIt's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.
(Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)
ChandlerAll right, now, don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
JoeyYou miss it?
ChandlerNah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.)
JoeyChandler give me that. (starts chasing him into the kitchen)
ChandlerNo no, you got your options. You can smoke it like this (demonstrates).
JoeyChandler!
ChandlerOr you can hold it in your mouth and smoke it like this (demonstrates).
JoeyChandler, give me the cigarette. Give me it, give me it!
Chandler(gives Joey the cigarette) All right you try.
JoeyThank you. Ok, how's this? (takes another drag).
ChandlerOk, that's not bad. All right, now when you're finished it's really cool if you flick it. You kinda flick it. You flick it. (Joey does do) That's good. Alright you keep practicing and uh-I'll go put out the sofa. Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel is there. ChandlerI thought it had to do with size of a guy's feet.
MonicaNo, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
(The guys stretch out their fingers.) (They're talking about the length of a man's penis.)
JoeyThat's ridiculous!
RossCan I use.. either thumb?
Chandler(comparing the size of his foot with his stretched fingers) I'd rater to go with the foot theory.
Rachel(carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Latte.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!
AllYeah. Yeah, excellent. There you go.
Rachel(leaving to serve others) Good for me!
(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters. She sits down without saying hi.) JoeyYou ok, Phoebe?
PhoebeYeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.
MonicaWhat did they do to you?
PhoebeIt's nothing, it's just- Ok. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT
RossEasy.
Phoebeand there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
ChandlerOh, Satan's minions at work again...
PhoebeYes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.
JoeyWhat're you talking about? Keep it!
PhoebeIt's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.
RachelYeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
PhoebeOk. Ok, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, ok, and, and skipping- I'd hear, 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...
MonicaWe're with you. We got it.
(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.)
PhoebeOk. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.
RachelChandler, what're you doing?
Monica(pulling him up) Hey. What're you doing?
(Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.)
AllOh! Oh, God!
RossWhat is this?!
ChandlerI'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
PhoebeOh, I can't believe you! You've been so good for three years!
ChandlerAnd this- is my reward!
RossHold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. Nah, you know what? Forget about you! Think about what we went through the last time you quit.
ChandlerOk, so this time I won't quit!
AllOhhh! Put it out!
ChandlerAll right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.)
PhoebeOh, no! I- I can't drink this now!
MonicaAlright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.
RachelThis Alan again? How's it going?
MonicaIt's going pretty good, you know? It's nice, and, we're having fun.
JoeySo when do we get to meet the guy?
RossYeah.
MonicaLet's see, today's Monday... Never.
AllOh, come on!
MonicaNo. Not after what happened with Steve.
ChandlerWhat're you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.
MonicaLook, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.
RachelWell, then can we meet him?
MonicaNo. Schhorry.
(Joey is still thinking about the distance between his fingers).
RossJoey-Joey. Let it go. Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work. MonicaWhy should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.
PaulaListen. As someone who's seen more than her share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. Come on, now they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.
MonicaI know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked.
PaulaWell, you do realize the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.
MonicaI know. I know! Do you mind if I whimper a little bit?
PaulaWhimper.
Monica(does a fake short whimper). OK, I'm done. Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent. JoeyLet it go, Ross.
RossYeah, well you didn't know Chi Chi.
MonicaDo you all promise?
AllYeah! We promise! We'll be good!
Monica(shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?
(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign. It starts to rain and he taps on the window.)
JoeyYou can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!
(Chandler sulkily picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)
(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.)
RossHey, Pheebs.
Phoebe'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
RachelWhat bank is this?
(The intercom buzzes.)
MonicaHey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it?
Alan(on the intercom) Alan.
Joey(shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!
(Chandler comes in, dripping wet.)
Monica(to Ross) Do I look ok?
RossUm-um one more button.
Monica(starts to unbutton) Ok
RossClose, how about close?
Monica(buttons back up) All right. I didn't know.
RossYeah.
Monica(to all) Please, be good, ok? Remember how much you all like me.
(She opens the door and Alan enters.)
MonicaHi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
AlanHi.
AllHi, Alan.
AlanI've heard schho much about all you guyschh!
(Everyone laughs.)
[Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]
Monica(to Alan) Ok, I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Ok. Ok, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?
(Silence.)
MonicaCome on!
RossI'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- you know, I-I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do it. We loved him.
AllWe loved him! Yeah! He's great!
MonicaWait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?
AllYeah!
RachelThat pimento trick...
ChandlerI will never look at an olive the same way again.
RachelAnd did you notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index finger.)
The Guys(reluctantly) Yeah.
JoeyKnow what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.
PhoebeYes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
RossWhat shoe?
PhoebeFrom the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
{There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile / He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile / He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse / And they all lived together in a little crooked house [link]}
(Dubious pause.)
RossSo I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.
RachelWhat future boyfriends? No no, I th- I think this could be, you know, it.
MonicaReally!
ChandlerOh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)
RossYou know what I like most about him, though?
AllWhat?
RossThe way he makes me feel about myself.
AllYeah. Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in softball gear. MonicaHi... how was the game?
RossWell...
AllWE WON!! Thank you! Yes!
MonicaFantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?
JoeyAlan.
RossHe was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base...
RachelI mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.
ChandlerYep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewelers a thing or two about softball.
RossNice! (They high five.)
MonicaCan I ask you guys a question? Do you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..
RossWhat?
MonicaI don't know, a little too Alan?
RachelWell, no. That's impossible. You never be too Alan.
RossYeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.
ChandlerI personally could have a gallon of Alan. A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless person (Lizzie) she knows. PhoebeHey, Lizzie.
LizzieHey, Weird Girl.
PhoebeI brought you alphabet soup.
LizzieDid you pick out the vowels?
PhoebeYes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, you know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (She searches in her purse.)
LizzieSaltines?
PhoebeNo, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?
LizzieWhat? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.) Oh my God, oh my God, there's really money in here.
PhoebeI know.
LizzieWeird Girl, what're you doing?
PhoebeNo, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
LizzieNo, no, I ha-I have to give you something.
PhoebeNo, it's fine.
LizzieYou want my tin foil hat?
PhoebeNo. 'Cause you need that. No, it's ok, thanks.
LizziePlease, let me do something.
PhoebeOk, alright, I'll tell you what, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Ok?
LizzieOk.
PhoebeOk. Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray. He types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette. While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags. A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot dog vendor. LizzieKeep the change.
PhoebeThanks Lizzie.
LizzieYou sure you don't wanna pretzel?
PhoebeNo, I'm fine, thanks.
Lizzie(leaves) See ya.
(Phoebe opens the can and reacts.)
PhoebeHuh! Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her discovery. RossA thumb?!
(Phoebe nods.)
AllEww!
PhoebeI know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!
ChandlerWell, maybe it's a contest, you know? Like, collect all five?
PhoebeDoes, um, anyone wanna see?
AllNooo! Thanks.
(Chandler lights a cigarette.)
AllOh, hey, don't do that! Come on. Put it out!
RachelIt's worse than the thumb!
ChandlerHey, this is so unfair!
MonicaOh, why is it unfair?
ChandlerSo I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? (Pauses) I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?
(An awkward silence ensues.)
JoeyDoes the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
RachelWell, I-I could live without it.
JoeyWell, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
(Phoebe spits out her hair.)
RossOh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.
JoeyOh, (Imitating Ross) "you do, do you"?
(Monica laughs and snorts.)
RossYou know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
Rachel"Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work.
PhoebeYeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
RachelOhh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.
(They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.) Iridium, Monica and Paula are working. MonicaDid you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?
PaulaNo.
MonicaOk.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.
PaulaWait wait.. we were talking about the coyotes here? Huh! All right, a cow got through!
MonicaCan you believe it? ...I just, You know what? I just.. don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.
PaulaHoney.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!
MonicaI don't know.. it's just gonna be really hard.
PaulaNow, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.
MonicaNo, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about. Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Chandler about his smoking. JoeyDo you have any respect for your body?
RossDon't you realize what you're-you're doing to yourself?
ChandlerHey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
Rachel(holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.
ChandlerReally? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up?! Oh, she told you about that, huh? Well yeah, I have one now and then. Well yeah, now. Well, it's not that big... that's true... Gee, you know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. So well ok, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)
Rachel(to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he's good.
RossIf only he were a woman.
RachelYeah.
(They give each other a dubious look.) Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Monica and Joey is watching Lamb Chop. ChandlerOoh, Lamb Chop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
RossOk. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (Does so.)
Monica(entering) Hey. Where's Joey?
ChandlerJoey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
RachelI think he's across the hall.
MonicaThanks. (Goes to fetch him.)
Ross(finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch) There you go.
Chandler(deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
RossHey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?
PhoebeDoes anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
RossHey, I might!
PhoebeSorry... You know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.
AllSeven thousand dollars. You're kidding. Oh my God.
PhoebeAnd on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!
Joey(dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of the shower) What's going on?
MonicaNothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.
JoeyEven nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.. (sits down on the couch)
RachelUh, Joey..
JoeyOh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.)
Monica(turns off the TV) Ok.. 
AllOh! That was Lamb Chop!
MonicaPlease, guys, we have to talk.
PhoebeWait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.
MonicaAlright, we have to talk.
PhoebeThere it is!
MonicaOk. It's-it's about Alan.
RachelOh speaking of which, would you tell him that we're on for the Renaissance Fair next weekend?
EverybodyOh yeah!
MonicaGuys, before you get into that, there-there's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.
(They all gasp and clutch each other.)
RossIs there somebody else?
MonicaNo, no no no no.. it's just.. You know, things change. People change.
RachelWe didn't change..
JoeySo that's it? It's over? Just like that?
PhoebeYou know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair)
MonicaLook, I- I could go on pretending
JoeyOk!
MonicaNo!-but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!
RossYeah, who wants fair? I mean, I just want things back. You know, the way they were.
MonicaI'm sorry.
Chandler(sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
Rachel(tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family.
MonicaI'll meet someone else. There'll be other Alans.
AllOh, yeah! Right!
MonicaAre you guys gonna be ok?
RossHey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.
Monica(dubious) I understand. A Restaurant, Monica is breaking the news to Alan. AlanWow.
MonicaI'm, I'm really sorry.
AlanYeah, I mean I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.
MonicaRelieved?
AlanYeah, well, I mean, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends. Monica and Rachel's, everyone is mopping around and eating ice cream. RachelRemember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.
RossYeah. He could row like a Viking.
Monica(entering) Hi.
AllMmm.
RossSo how'd it go?
MonicaOh, you know..
PhoebeDid-did he mention us?
MonicaHe said he's really gonna miss you guys. (dubious look)
RossYou had a rough day, huh..
MonicaOh, you have no idea.
RossCome here. (She sits down and Ross stroke her forehead.)
ChandlerThat's it. I'm getting cigarettes.
AllNo no no!
Chandler(leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!
Phoebe(shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!
Chandler(returns) Yeah, alright.

Written by Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz; Transcribed by guineapig; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp