Central Perk, everyone's there.
MonicaWhat you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
JoeyYeah, right!... Serious?
RachelEverything you need to know is in that first kiss.
ChandlerYeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, you know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
RossYeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's just that that's... that's not why we bought the ticket.
ChandlerYou see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, you know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
RachelYeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey(pause) Are we still talking about sex?
Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and a co-worker (Marsha) are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave people.
RossNo, it's good, it is good, I, uh, it's just that- uhm- doesn't she seem a little angry?
MarshaWell, she has issues.
MarshaTry living with Mr. Hey I am evolving. He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!
RossMarsha, see, these-these are cave people. Ok? They have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.' See?
MarshaSpeaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?
(Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered behind them and is standing outstide the exhibit.)
RossMy- (trying to ignore her) No. No.
MarshaYes, it is. Carol! Hi!
RossOk, yes, yes, it is. (waves) How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age.
MarshaCan I stay?
RossThat would be no.
(Marsha exits and Ross waves Carol into the exhibit as Ross fiddles around with more of the props.)
RossHi. (Hugs Carol while holding one of the Cavemen's mannequins arms)
CarolHi. Is this a bad time?
RossNo-no, it's-it's... the Stone Age. (Pause) You look great. I, uh... I hate that.
CarolSorry. Thanks! You look good too.
RossAh, well, you know, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh...
RossWell... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family?
CarolMarty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-
RossWhy- why are you here, Carol?
RossPregnant?! (stands like one of the mannequins)
Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three's Company.
Chrissy on Three's Company(holding a bra) Oh! Looks like she didn't leave in such a hurry after all.
ChandlerOh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.
Phoebe Then I've already seen this one! (Turns off the TV.)
Monica(taking a drink from Joey) Are you through with that?
JoeyYeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.
MonicaWhose little ball of paper is this?!
ChandlerOh, that would be mine. See, uh, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica is glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead.
(Monica starts to fluff a pillow.)
PhoebeShe already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already fluffed- (Monica glares at her.) -but, it's fine!
MonicaLook , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have.
ChandlerYes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow.
JoeyWould you relax? You do this every time they come. The place looks great. (sees a lasagna) You gotta beautiful lasagna here that looks good enough to...(about to touch it but Monica slaps his hands) avoid touching.
PhoebeMonica- Hi! Um, Monica, um, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly. You know? And not-not in a good way.
JoeyYeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come.
MonicaThat's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. You see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.
Chandler(looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!
ChandlerUgly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!
(Rachel enters from her room.)
RachelHas anybody seen my engagement ring?
PhoebeYeah, it's beautiful.
RachelOh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God... (Starts to look under the couch cushions.)
PhoebeNo, look, don't-don't touch that!
RachelOh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder...
MonicaEasy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we!
Chandler and JoeyOh! Yeah!
MonicaOk look, it's gonna be ok. You're gonna give it back to him and it will all be over. And we'll eat a lot of ice cream.
RachelOk ok, it's-it's a little pear-shaped diamond....
Monica(interrupts) I'll tell you what? Any diamond ring we find, we'll run it by you.
JoeyAlright, when'd ya have it on last?
PhoebeDoy! Probably right before she lost it!
ChandlerYou don't get a lot of 'doy' these days.
RachelI know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with...
Rachel(looks at the lasagna and realizes something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad...
RachelOh, I am sorry.
MonicaI gave you one job! (Starts to examine the lasagna through the bottom of the glass pan.)
RachelOh, but look how straight those noodles are!
ChandlerNow, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagna.
Monica(puts down the lasagna) I just... can't do it.
ChandlerBoys? We're going in.
(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagna as there's a knock on the door which Monica answers.)
Ross(standing outside the door) Hi.
MonicaThat is not a happy hi.
Phoebe(while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I found it!
MonicaW-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-...
RossYeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now. (He enters.)
ChandlerKinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?
RachelWell now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing?
RossWell, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's totally up to me.
PhoebeShe is so great! I miss her.
MonicaWhat's she mean by 'involved'?
ChandlerI mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.
JoeyAnd the most enjoyable. (only he laughs) Phoebe, say something!
RossAnyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow.
RossYeah, remember back when life was simpler and she was just a lesbian.
ChandlerGod, those were the days!
RachelSo what're you gonna do?
RossI have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father.
(Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and everyone turns and stares at him.)
JoeyWell, this is still ruined, right?
Scene, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are pouring wine for their parents.
Mrs. GellerOh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. (Tastes a snack) Mmm! What's that curry taste?
RossI- I think they're great! I, I really do. I, mm.
Mr. Geller(To Ross) You remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't she?
Mrs. GellerThey all had a thing for him.
MonicaI'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me?
Mrs. GellerOh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant-
MonicaNo Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant.
Mrs. GellerWell, they don't have to know that... (She starts to fluff the same pillow Monica fluffed multiple times earlier.)
MonicaRoss, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?
RossYes. (They go to the kitchen.)
Mrs. GellerOh, we're having spaghetti! That's... easy.
MonicaActually, we were going to have lasagna.
Mr. GellerOh I love lasagna.
MonicaWell we're not having it.
Mrs. GellerThen why did you bring it up? You know how he latches on.
MonicaI know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish on my part, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I-I think it might take some of the heat off me.
[Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.]
Mrs. GellerWhat that Rachel did to her life... We ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well.
Mr. GellerI'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money!
Mrs. GellerWell, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar...
MonicaWhat's that supposed to mean?
Mrs. GellerNothing! It's an expression.
MonicaNo it's not.
Mr. GellerDon't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles...
Mr. GellerLook, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer. They're happy with what they have. They're basically content like...cows.
Mr. GellerShe knows how much I like cows.
Mr. GellerAnd I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem. I'm telling you sweetheart you're gonna be fine.
MonicaThank you... daddy.
Mrs. Geller(turns on a DustBuster) Oh, so this does work! (Monica and Ross are in disbelief)
Monica(trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?
Ross(pulls his hand away) Ok! Ok. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
(Stunned silence ensues.)
Mrs. Geller(To Monica) And you knew about this?!
Central Perk, everyone's there.
JoeyFolks are really that bad, huh?
RossWell, you know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done.
MonicaBoy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could- (To Ross) -I'd want yours.
RossMust pee. (Goes to pee.)
PhoebeYou know, it's even worse when you're twins.
RachelYou're a twin?
PhoebeOh yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered-driven-career type.
ChandlerWhat's she do?
PhoebeShe's a waitress.
PhoebeYeah people say we look alike but I don't see it.
RachelAll right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. (They all start to leave.)
MonicaChandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this.
ChandlerWell, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred.
RachelHit the lights, please.
(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up. Ross enters from the bathroom.)
RossHow long was I in there?
RachelI'm just cleaning up.
RossOh, You uh, you need any help?
RachelUh.. ok, sure! Thanks! (She hands him the broom and sits down.)
RossAnyway.. uh.. (Starts to sweep.) So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow?
RachelOh.. a little..
RachelSo, got any advice? You know, as someone who's recently been- dumped?
RossWell, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, you know, so you, should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, you know, uh, I can, hey!, I'll go down there, and-and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...
RachelOh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. Uh, when did it get so complicated?
RachelRemember when we were in high school together?
RachelI mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet someone, fall in love- and that'd be it? (Ross gazes at her.) ..Ross?
RachelOh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. (She leans back onto his hand.)
RossHmm... Me neither (He pulls up a stool so that he doesn't have to move his hand.)
Carol's OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.
Ross(entering) Hi. Sorry I'm late, I got stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur... thing... anyway.
(Susan enters holding a drink.)
CarolRoss, you remember Susan.
RossHow could I forget?
Ross(they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol) Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...?
RossDr. Oberman. Ok. And is he-
Rossshe, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation?
CarolYes, and she's very supportive.
RossGreat, ok, that's great. (Susan gives her drink to Carol.) No, I'm- Oh.
Ross(picks up a surgical instrument and mimes a duck with it) Quack, quack...
CarolRoss? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in horror.)
Barry's office, Barry is working on a patient, Robbie, as Rachel enters.
BarryCome on in.
Rachel(hesitates) Are you sure?
BarryNo-no, it's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours.
BarrySo, how you doing?
RachelI'm- uh- I'm ok... You look great!
Bernice(over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging.
Barry(answering the intercom) Be right there. (To Robbie and Rachel) Be back in a sec.
(As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.)
RachelI dumped him.
Carol's OB/GYN. Ross sees a model of a baby in a womb on a table and touches it, leaving the baby to fall out of the womb. Ross catches the baby and gently places it back in the womb.
RossSo, um- so how's this, uh, how's this all gonna work?
SusanWell the baby grows in a special place inside the mommy's....
RossThank you. I mean... how is this gonna work? You know, with us? You know, when, like, important decisions have to be made?
CarolGive me a 'for instance'.
RossWell, uh, uh, I don't know, ok, ok, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name?
CarolIf it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.
RossAs in Mouse?
CarolAs in my grandmother.
RossStill, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia?
SusanWe agreed on Minnie.
RossIt's funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table?
Barry's office, Rachel is doing her makeup in the mirror on Barry's lamp as Barry enters.
BarrySorry about that. So. What've you been up to?
RachelOh, not much. I-I got a job.
BarryOh, that's great.
RachelWhy are- why are you so tan?
BarryOh, I, uh- I went to Aruba.
RachelOh no. You went on our honeymoon alone?
BarryNo. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt.
BarryNo! (To Rachel) I went with Mindy.
RachelMindy?! My maid of honor, Mindy?!
BarryYeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now.
RachelOh! Well, um.. (Grabs his forehand) You got plants!
BarryCareful! Careful! They haven't quite taken yet.
RachelAnd you got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye!
BarryNot for her. Listen, I-I really wanted to thank you.
BarrySee, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist.
BarryYou know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit.
RachelAnyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her purse.) I guess uh, I guess this belongs to you. Or... hey maybe someday Mindy.
BarryYeah, like she'd settle for that.
Rachel(sarcastically laughs) Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah that's true. Umm, but I think it's a-I think it's a nice ring. And thank you for giving it to me.
BarryWell, thank you for giving it back.
(Barry and Rachel look at each other.)
Carol's OB/GYN, they're still arguing about what to name the baby.
SusanOh, please! What's wrong with Helen?
RossHelen Geller? I don't think so.
CarolHello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.
CarolNo, I mean it's not Geller.
RossWhat, it's gonna be Helen Willick?
CarolNo, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch.
RossWell, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title?
SusanBecause it's my baby too.
RossOh, it's funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm.
SusanYeah, and we all know what a challenge that is!
CarolAll right, you two, stop it!
RossNo no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too.
CarolRoss. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that borders on child abuse.
RossOf course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch.
SusanOh, no, no-no-no-no-no, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those names, he knows they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way!
RossMy way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- you know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do
Dr. Oberman(entering) Knock knock. How are we today? Any nausea?
AllYeah. Yeah. A little. Just a little.
Dr. ObermanWell, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but... thanks for sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back..
RossYou- uh- you know what, I'm-I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be involved in this particular family.
(He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram catches his ear. He returns and stares at it.)
RossOh my God.
SusanLook at that.
Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone is watching the tape of the sonogram. Rachel is on the phone.
RossWell? Isn't that amazing?
JoeyWhat are we supposed to be seeing here?
ChandlerI don't know, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
PhoebeYou know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato.
RossThen don't do that, alright?
Ross(walks over to where Monica is standing) Monica. What'd you think?
Monica(welling up) Mm-hmm.
RossWh- are you welling up?
RossYou are, you're welling up.
RossYou're gonna be an aunt.
Monica(pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut up!
Rachel(on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, it's ok. Really. It's ok. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, you know, if-if everything works out, and-and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they'll have his old hairline and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Ok, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.
Written by Marta Kauffman & David Crane; Transcribed by guineapig; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp