{Pilot: a television program that is made in order to test whether people like it and would watch it
pilot study/project/scheme etc - a small study, project etc which is carried out as a test to see if an idea, product etc will be successful} Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there. MonicaThere's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!
JoeyCome on, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!
ChandlerAll right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
PhoebeWait, does he eat chalk?
(They all stare, bemused.)
PhoebeJust 'cause I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl, oh!
MonicaOk, everybody relax. Relax. This is not even a date. It's-it's not. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
ChandlerSounds like a date to me.
[Time Lapse]
ChandlerAlright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.
AllOh, yeah. Had that dream.
ChandlerThen, I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.
JoeyInstead of...?
ChandlerThat's right.
JoeyNever had that dream.
PhoebeNo.
ChandlerAll of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
MonicaThey weren't looking at you before?!
ChandlerFinally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very very weird, because- she never calls me!
[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]
Ross(mortified) Hi.
JoeyThis guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
MonicaYou ok, sweetie?
RossI just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...
ChandlerCookie?
Monica(explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.
JoeyOhh.
Monica(to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.
RossThanks.
PhoebeOoh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)
RossNo, no, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, ok?
PhoebeFine! Be murky!
RossI'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
MonicaNo you don't.
RossNo I don't, to hell with her, she left me!
JoeyAnd you never knew she was a lesbian...
RossNo!! Ok?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?
ChandlerSometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?
RossI told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.
MonicaOh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman sobbing at three AM, "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number?
RossSorry.
JoeyAlright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
(Ross gestures his consent.)
JoeyStrip joint! Come on, you're single! Have some hormones!
RossSee but I don't want to be single, ok? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)
ChandlerAnd I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)
MonicaRachel?!
RachelOh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
WaitressCan I get you some coffee?
Monica(pointing at Rachel) Decaff. (to All) Ok, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
RachelSure!
RossHi.
RachelHi.
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)
MonicaSo you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
RachelOh God... well, it started about half an hour before the wedding. I was in this room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat. When all of a sudden I realize- (to the waitress that brought her coffee) Sweet'n Low, I realized, I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. You know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
MonicaWho wasn't invited to the wedding.
RachelOoh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... Monica's apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on. MonicaNow I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
Chandler(imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad? Decide!
Ross(in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.
Rachel(on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
(The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)
PhoebeIf I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.
ChandlerOoh, she should NOT be wearing those pants.
JoeyI say push her down the stairs.
Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and JoeyPush her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!
(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)
RachelCome on Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, you know? Or a- or a- or a hat! No, I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
RossYou can see where he'd have trouble.
RachelLook Daddy, it's my life. Well, maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
MonicaWell, I guess we've established she's staying here with Monica.
RachelWell, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!! Time Lapse, Rachel is breathing into a paper bag. MonicaJust breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things...
Phoebe(sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleigh bells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string. These are...
RachelI'm all better now.
Phoebe(grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
MonicaOk, look, this is probably for the best you know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, 'hat' thing.
Joey(comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live right across the hall. And he's away a lot.
MonicaJoey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!
JoeyWhat, like there's a rule or something?
(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
ChandlerI got it. Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.
Paul(over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.
MonicaOh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in!
JoeyWho's Paul?
RossPaul the Wine Guy, Paul?
MonicaMaybe.
JoeyWait a minute. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
RossHe finally asked you out?
MonicaYes!
ChandlerOoh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
MonicaRach, wait, I-I can cancel...
RachelOh God, please, no, go, I'll be fine!
Monica(to Ross) Ross, are you ok? I mean, do you want me to stay?
Ross(choked voice) That'd be good...
Monica(horrified) Really?
Ross(normal voice) No, come on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
PhoebeWhat's that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or he just complains a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)
MonicaHi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.
AllHey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
ChandlerI'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
MonicaOk, umm-umm, I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...
RossA wandering?
MonicaChange! Ok, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.
PhoebeOoh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
(Monica goes to change.)
JoeyHey, Paul!
PaulYeah?
JoeyHere's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again till it starts to get a little red.
Monica(yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!
RossSo Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?
RachelWell, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
RossRight, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, uh, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my-my new furniture.
Chandler(deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.
RachelWell actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been a long day.
RossOh sure, ok, sure.
JoeyHey Pheebs, you wanna help?
PhoebeOh, I wish I could, but I don't want to. The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change. Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon... crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh! Ross's apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture. Ross(squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.
(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.)
JoeyI'm thinking we got a bookcase here.
ChandlerIt's a beautiful thing.
Joey(picking up a leftover part) What's this?
ChandlerI would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.
JoeyWhich goes where?
ChandlerI have no idea.
(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)
JoeyDone with the bookcase!
ChandlerAll finished!
Ross(clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should've known.
JoeyHey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.
ChandlerYes, please don't spoil all this fun.
JoeyRoss, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
RossYou guys.
ChandlerOh, God.
JoeyYou got screwed.
ChandlerOh my God! A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating. MonicaOh my God!
PaulI know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should've caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?
MonicaMy brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
PaulWell, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-
Monica-leg?
Paul(laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.
MonicaYou actually broke her watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded old boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
PaulOoh, steer clear of you.
MonicaThat's right. Monica's apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing. RachelBarry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other night about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance to... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.) Ross's apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture. RossI'm divorced! I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!
JoeyShut up!
ChandlerYou must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)
RossThat only took me an hour.
ChandlerLook, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however, have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!
RossYou know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...
JoeyWhat're you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
RossI honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
ChandlerYou stay out of my freezer! A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating. PaulEver since she walked out on me, I, uh...
MonicaWhat?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles?
PaulNo, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.
MonicaOh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
PaulIsn't there? 
MonicaYeah... yeah, I-I think there is. What-what were you gonna say?
PaulWell, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.
Monica(spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God, I am so... I am so sorry...
PaulIt's ok...
MonicaI know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?
PaulTwo years.
MonicaWow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!
PaulPlease, you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?
Monica(pause) Yeah. Yeah, I do. Monica's apartment, Rachel is watching Joanie Loves Chachi. Priest on TVWe are gathered here to joy together Joanie Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.
RachelOh...see... but Joanie love Chachi! That's the difference! Ross's apartment, they're all sitting around and talking. Ross(scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy don't be a hero' mean anything to you?
{lyrics: Billy, don't be a hero, Don't be a fool with your life
Billy, don't be a hero, Come back and make me your wife
And as Billy started to go, she said, 'Keep your pretty head low'
Billy, don't be a hero, Come back to me}
JoeyGreat story! But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea- Angela- Andrea... Oh man, (looks to Chandler)
ChandlerAndrea's the screamer, Angela has cats.
JoeyRight. Thanks. It's Julie. I'm outta here. (Exits.)
RossYou know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.)
[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.] {... If you ever need holding / Call my name, I'll be there / If you ever need holding ... [Wiki]} Monica's apartment, Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler. RachelIsn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.
ChandlerThat is amazing.
JoeyCongratulations.
RachelYou know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.
ChandlerNo I think it's 'If I can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do.'
JoeyListen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry this morning.
Monica(entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny and Squiggy are here.
AllMorning.
MonicaGood morning.
Paul(entering from Monica's room) Morning.
JoeyMorning, Paul.
RachelHello, Paul.
ChandlerHi, Paul, is it?
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.)
PaulThank you! Thank you so much!
MonicaStop!
PaulNo, I'm telling you last night was like umm, was like all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.
MonicaWe'll talk later.
PaulYeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)
JoeyThat wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?
MonicaShut up, and put my table back.
AllOkayyy! (They do so.)
ChandlerAll right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... doesn't make much of a difference...
RachelSo, like, you guys all have jobs?
MonicaYeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.
JoeyYeah, I'm an actor.
RachelWow! Would I've seen you in anything?
JoeyOh I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
MonicaOh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the reruns production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park.
JoeyWas a job... all right?
ChandlerLook, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.
JoeyI will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.)
ChandlerYou're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."
JoeyYou should both know, that he's a dead man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.)
MonicaSo how're you doing today? You-you sleep ok? You talked to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
RachelI can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
MonicaI know, he, he's just so... You remember you and Tony DeMarco?
RachelOh, yeah.
MonicaWell, it's like that. With feelings.
RachelOh wow. Are you in trouble.
MonicaBig time!
RachelWant a wedding dress? Hardly used.
MonicaI think we are getting a little ahead of ourselves here. Ok. Ok. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
RachelOh, look, wish me luck!
MonicaWhat for?
RachelI'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things.
(Monica exits.) Iridium (The restaurant Monica works in), Monica is working as Frannie enters. FrannieHey, Monica!
MonicaHey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?
FrannieYou had sex, didn't you?
MonicaHow do you do that?
FrannieOh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex! So? Who?
MonicaYou know Paul?
FranniePaul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.
MonicaYou mean you know Paul like I know Paul?
FrannieAre you kidding? I take credit for Paul. You know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years. Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there. Joey(sitting on the arm of the couch) Of course it was a line!
MonicaWhy?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?
RossI assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.
MonicaI hate men! I hate men!
PhoebeOh no, don't hate, you don't want to put that out into the universe.
MonicaIs it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
PhoebeAll right, come here, give me your feet. (She starts massaging them.)
MonicaI just thought he was nice, you know?
Joey(bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!
(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.)
RachelGuess what?
RossYou got a job?
RachelAre you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.
ChandlerAnd yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
RachelYou would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!
ChandlerOh, how well you know me.
RachelThey're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!
MonicaHow'd you pay for them?
RachelUh, credit card.
MonicaAnd-and who pays for that?
RachelUm... my... father. Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table. Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors. RachelOh God, come on you guys, is this really necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.
MonicaCome on, you can't live off your parents your whole life.
RachelI know that. That's why I was getting married.
PhoebeCome on, give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
RachelThank you.
PhoebeYou're welcome. I remember when I first came into this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my stepdad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So, believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
(Pause)
RossThe word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...
MonicaAll right, you ready?
RachelNo. No, no, I'm not ready! How can I be ready? "Hey, Rach! You ready to jump out the airplane without a parachute?" Come on, I can't do this!
MonicaYou can, I know you can!
RachelI don't think so.
RossCome on, you made coffee! You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.)
RossCut. Cut...
AllCut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)
RachelYou know what? I think we can just leave it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...
MonicaRachel! That was a library card!
AllCut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..
Chandler(as Rachel is cutting up her cards) You know, if you listen very closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)
MonicaWelcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it! Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem. MonicaWell, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch?
RossNo. No, I gotta go home sometime.
MonicaAll right. You're gonna be ok?
RossYeah.
RachelHey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What?
MonicaThat's Paul's watch. You-you just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody.
Ross and RachelGoodnight.
(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room.)
RossMmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh, no-
RachelSorry-
RossNo no no, go-
RachelNo, you have it, really, I don't want it-
RossSplit it?
RachelOk.
RossOk. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.
RachelI knew.
RossYou did! Uh-oh, ok. I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
RachelI did.
RossOh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be ok if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
RachelYeah, maybe...
RossOk... ok, maybe I will...
RachelGoodnight.
RossGoodnight.
(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving.)
MonicaSee ya.... Wait wait, hey, what's with you?
RossI just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that means.) Central Perk, everyone is there. JoeyI can't believe what I'm hearing here.
Phoebe(sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing here...
MonicaWhat? I-I said you had a-
Phoebe(sings) What I said you had...
Monica(to Phoebe) Would you stop?
PhoebeOh, was I doing it again?
AllYes!
MonicaI said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt.
JoeyOh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya.
RossThere's an image.
Rachel(walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee?
ChandlerDid you make it, or are you just serving it?
RachelI'm just serving it.
AllYeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.
ChandlerKids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)
Customer(To Rachel) Ahh, miss? More coffee?
RachelUgh. (To another customer that's leaving.) Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go ahead. (He does so.) Thank you. (To the gang.) Sorry. Ok, Las Vegas.
ChandlerOk, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli

Written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane; Transcribed by guineapig and Eric Aasen; Annotated by ncp